Thursday, November 18, 2004


Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You may be tougher on yourself than others realize, for they only see what you want them to see. You are like a stage magician, fascinating everyone with your hands waving about in the air. You can tell great stories, but people don't realize this is how you hide the sleight-of-mind you are performing out of their view. Don't just criticize yourself; take considered action to fix what's wrong.

Wow, B was right. I’m telling you. And it was worth the wait. I had to wait for like five minutes for this to load. Bizarre.
No shit.
No shit I criticize myself. And with good reason, too.
But good advise, that. “Don’t just criticize yourself; take considered action to fix what’s wrong.” By the way that a quote from Just saying in case the plagiarism police come a knockin’ at my door.
Take considered action. Take action: no. Take considered action. Consider what you’re doing. Well… that’s news to me, an odd advise to a Gemini, at least this one. Because usually, we Geminis, get so lost debating and considering and calculating and planning logistics in our heads, that we rarely, if ever, take action. So when we do them, it’s usually spur of the moment, out of boredom.
It’s true.

Today is Thursday and it seems as if on Thursdays I am never ready to be here, at least in spirit. Which is ironic, because even if I’ve been late the rest of the week, it’s the one day I will arrive on time, early even. Or maybe it’s the opposite that is ironic. Because on Thursdays in particular, I am . . . flighty.. fly-away. . . elsewhere. Usually, I chalk it up to being out drinking heavily on Wednesday nights. But no so last night, and so, I am unsure if it is a pattern with any basis. But I digress.

What I digress from is unknown.. just general digression, I’m sure.

What is new with you, J? Ya know, I’m not sure. I had some job interviews with the Alliance for Companion Animals, and would like the pay increase. But at this point, I’m not sure that it is the best fit for me, either. I need something. I am still searching. I read a really neat little ditty about how AOL (read the devil-in-training—not quite evil enough for the full capitalized title) shut down the last maverick start up dot com. Humph. It was cool. Like cool used to be. Like cool is in my head. Like cool I am not. Like cool I want to be, and have always wanted to be. I still strive for it. I want freedom with responsibility. I want money, but not too much I have to feel guilty about. I want individuality, but with groovy conformist health insurance. I want to be important, but not so vital I can’t skip a day or go on vacation. I want to be smart, but funny. I want to waste time, but accomplish great things. I want to have fun and be easy-going, but have a sense of purpose and better the world.
I am special. I know it. I breathe it. And on this Thursday, I cannot forget it. Other times, I stifle it and can endure work. Not Thursdays. Usually, I am re-energized by my frivolity the night before. Maybe it is my lack of it that has today standing out-but I’m not sure of that as, I haven’t been productive all week.
Humph. Now what?

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

FREAK! ing Proud

Ok. Proud.

Which is extremely uncomfortable for me. Because, I mean, like what? And a little exuberant. At least I was. That was last night. Or last evening. Whatever.

Here’s the scenario: freaks are out. I mean really. Out. And about. So I’m doing my swim/workout thing. I like it. Not the least reason for it because you can’t exactly hold a conversation. You just do your thing and can be left alone, and aren’t a freak for not talking to people that you don’t want to talk to in the first place.
Background: I don’t go to the gym to make friends. I don’t go to be social. I don’t even go, really, because I like it—although from time to time, I do. Which, as above, is probably why I like the swimming. I’m fat and very buoyant. It’s good. I float. I feel light. It’s good for my always-aching back. It makes me feel long and slender (go figure). And the best part—the very best part is sitting in the hot tub (which under normal circumstances is akin to sitting in a pitrie dish)[side: apparently that is not how you spell it—there is no word in the that even comes close-so sorry for you out there]. Sitting in the hot tub. Lovely. Absolutely lovely.
Oh, scenario.
Ok, so swimming… and usually about this time of day I am the only female and the men are busy being gross and I’m hoping they leave me alone…which, for the most part, they are in the steam room and sauna. And I’m lost in my head. And floating and la de da. And I notice icky guy staring at me. Humph. Ok, start swimming like I mean it and give him less to look at (which involves me swimming farther below the water surface and swimming in a kinda sitting up position when swimming on my back-read backwards, because I’m sitting and so no longer on my back).
And then squeaky shoes guy is walking around the pool. And around the pool. And again. Annoying, but whatever. Then he stops and says, “What’s your name?” and I surprised reply, “Why?”
He says his name is Eddie. And I give my name (later, I wonder why I do.. need to practice giving fake name.. think it’ll make me feel better). And he says blah blah blah, in a thick accent. I reply, “What?”
“Will you do me a favor and walk into the steam room for a minute? Just a second?”
“NO. No.” Shake head. “No.”
Actually, I’m not entirely sure what he said. As I mentioned before, his accent was quite thick. But he did say step or walk somewhere for a minute. Enough. And I said no. No.
Powerful word, no. And I am so proud. Because I didn’t think it and not say it. Or say it and then think horrible thoughts and run out in a tremor. I just said it and then thought, “Freak!” and kept going about my business. Until, of course, I realized it. And then I kinda gloated in my head. Stuff like, “As if!” and “Loser!”
I take this as a sign of being stronger. Of being more competent and able to take care of myself. Honestly. Frightening isn’t it? You’d be terrified if I told you how that scene (repeated often enough) normally plays out.
Him: do me a favor
Me: I don’t think so
Him: Aw, c’mon.
Me: what is it that you want me to do?
Him: go over here for just a moment. Won’t take long
Me: how long?
Him: just a second
Me: well . . .
Him: it’s ok . . c’mon
Me: well . . .
Him: it’s easy. C’mon.
Me: well, ok.
Him: (suggests something unseemly in darkened corner)
Me: (giggling uncomfortably) I don’t think so… (weasling to get out)
Him: c’mon (weasel)
Me: (freaking out, but appear, at least reasonably, calm) I don’t think so.. I’m going to leave now.
Him: are you sure?
Me: yes
Him: c’mon stay
Me: I’ll see you later
Him: (smiling smugly) yeah…

This time:
Him: do me a favor?
Me: No.
Him: no?
Me: No.
Him: Thank you.

Wow. Easy. Powerful. Good.

NO. :) I love it. Need to practice it a lot.

I got a little antsy and thought that I should leave, but true to form, “fuck it,” and kept swimming. And freak staring guy and freak squeaky shoe Eddie guy left and I was alone and able to relax and feel strong and a little proud. It put me in a really good mood for the rest of the evening.