Thursday, February 24, 2005

Particularly low.

It’s odd. I don’t know why. Yes, I do. I weighed today. I told myself I wasn’t going to weigh for 2 weeks and I did. And I was really up. And I guess it’s good that I didn’t weigh in front of my nutritionist and see how high I was and now I can get down to the nitty gritty and really work on my meal plan, except for I’m not. I feel like binging. I feel like eating until I just plain pass out. And I am at work and I just was walking to the vending machine to purchase something.. which I never do, because I have no need because there is always chocolates or something out.. but I want to eat so much that I wasn’t going to go get some out of the communal bowl, because I was going to be taking way more than my share (what’s new?). But I turned around and decided that maybe I should go to the recovery site, but instead I am going to pour my little heart out here. On this page.

I feel awful. I feel fat. I feel sad. I feel like eating. I am not hungry. I had my shake and now I feel like chewing and chomping and biting.

I went to the mall on lunch break thinking I could buy something cute to boost my self-esteem. Reasons why you should never try to purchase a heightening of your self esteem: 1) Rarely, if ever do you find something you really love for a price that seems reasonable, which means that you inevitably buy something you don’t like that much for too much money, or conversely, something you will probably never wear because it’s cheap. This leads to guilt. Guilt over how much money you spent and how that money could have gone to a better purpose and how are you going to make this garment fit into an overly full closet, where it will hang with tags until you donate it many moons later. 2) If you do resist the purchase, you feel worse. That won’t look good on me (read: my body is misshapen). That isn’t cute enough/too cute (I can’t wear fashionable clothes).

Better now. Went for a walk. Revived my senses. And feel better.

It’s odd.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

V Day, Chocolate and Binge Eating

Freakin' Valentine's Day! What a lousy, made-up holiday! And we (read me) buy into it. I think it is more than just me. How much candy do we buy how bad do we feel if we don't have a valentine how ridiculous is it how long will this sentence go on?
Actually, I feel that I am fairly intelligent because I've found a solution. It was a really low point a couple of years ago, and my parents didn't get me anything and no one else did, either. The lowest was when (I was feeling sorry for myself) and my roommate came in with a big bunch of flowers. Now she doesn't have anyone either, but her dad got her some really nice flowers. So I then said "This is it! I am going to have a valentine next year!" (Actually, I believe I really probably uttered words very similar, if not those exact words.) And ever since that year, my roommate and I exchange gifts. It's taken the worry out of it. But it's still ridiculous.
I have been off chocolate for like 3 weeks, and now-fucking bingeing at work. Fuckers! With their chocolate and love and heart-shaped cookies that are just fat rolled in sugar!
So . . experiment. I am still struggling with getting past that 3 digit nightmare and I've decided not to weigh my self for 3 weeks. By then, I should definetly be under and I won't even know it. I've asked RM to hide my scale and will tell the nutritionist tomorrow of my plan. We'll see how it goes.

By the by, I made my first post on my new web-board that I like. (good for me)
And I survived turning in my test and await the results with baited breath!

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Oh, F@#$!!!

Ok, so it's Sunday, and I'm sitting at work. and we haven't had a client for about 35 mins so I endeavored to do some more of my homework--actuallly, it's a take home test. And I can't do it. I'm freaking out because I've worked really hard on this and now I just want to go home. And go to sleep. And never do math again. And give up.
Same thing with my recovery. And I got drunk last night (really felt I needed to--was so exhausted and just DONE with the math). And I weighed this morning.. and fuck. I'm screwed.
I want to give up-that is a LIE. I don't want to give up. I just want someone to do it for me.
I'm so tired.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

FEELING (uncomfortable)


I need to just feel. I’ve been trying to think through all of my problems: all of my weight control/eating issues & dilemmas. And I have been wondering why I stuff myself with food so I don’t have to feel the feelings, because the feelings (or feeling the feelings) make(s) me uncomfortable.
Obviously. Always known this. Haven’t I?

I need to just feel.

This morning I started freaking out (perhaps it started yesterday) because I should not have weighed myself, and yet after weighing myself yesterday (another no-no), I knew that today I would probably be less than 300 pounds. (That’s right chickadees, I’m massive.) (OK ENOUGH WITH THAT KIND OF TALK!) Well, I wasn’t. And I guess I should have felt relived, but I didn’t. I think I started panicking. But I don’t know. Because I don’t know what I feel, ever.
----side note: Nutritionist asked: “What’s it going to feel like to weigh under 300?” I didn’t have an answer. I was thinking, “Normal,” but I knew I shouldn’t say that. I thought it would feel exactly the same—sort of numb, I guess. So instead I replied, “I don’t know.” Also the truth. I don’t ever Know how I feel.

All day today, I’ve been feeling hungry. Or I think it’s hunger. Do I really know? Perhaps I do not.
-----flashback: Scene: An mid-1970’s California burger chain Carl’s Jr. A young flawed-heroine (very young) eating burger and fries with nice young friend and young friend’s mother. And eating everything. And young friend saying she’s full. And young heroine remarks that she isn’t. And parent is mildly astonished. And young heroine replies that she never gets full, she just starts to get a stomachache. And parent and young friend share momentary glance and parent tells young heroine that the stomach ache IS full.

I’ve been writing down differing feelings of my body (read: stomach) and my responses to them and if/what I eat on sticky notes while at work. An attempt to feel my feelings and recognize . . . patterns, perhaps. I’m not sure. I’m sure there was logic behind it originally.

I think I’m panicking at the idea of losing the weight. That’s why I’ve stopped. But I haven’t really been gaining because I won’t give up.

That’s it: I won’t give up.
I cannot.

I will get over this hump and it will be a memory.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Today, so far.

Tuesday morning.
Yesterday was the last Monday evening in which I will get to go home and relax for a few precious moments before school. Starting next week (Monday), I will be leaving work, going straight to Pilates, and then go straight to school. I am hoping that the traffic gods are kind and I might have a chance to stop at Pita Jungle for dinner before Pilates. Probably, in the scheme of things, not the best idea—to eat before working out, but I will be famished and possibly unable to make it as I won’t have time after Pilates/before school to stop to pick something up. And I won’t get out of class until 9:15 pm. OH! Plus I might get to see James. Very important point.
Class last night was pretty good: after some scary moments when I opened my book, and couldn’t figure out at all what I was supposed to be doing—thinking, “oh, fuck, I’m fucked.” I had just informed G that I was one day from being fucked. And it was untrue, I was already fucked! But, alas, I had skipped ahead and was trying to do the homework after last night, i.e. we hadn’t learned to do that yet.
So I was relieved and mildly happy. And I declare that I will do my homework from now on. No exclamation point.

I am still searching for information/help about ED (CO and BE). Ha! Just kidding that is Eating Disorder(s), Compulsive Overeating, and Binge Eating (Disorder). I’ve found a site called something fishy dot org. Strange site, but I am feeling better today. And will continue to check in there and maybe join a support group and/or board.

Yesterday, I was very upset and was looking at Rader Programs. Have you ever seen a commercial for Rader? I remember them from years ago..and every once in a while I will catch the same commercial and just cry like a baby. Or rather weep. Yes, I am that sick. I can’t see how I could stop my life, my job to go. If that time were to come, I think I’ve past it.

But something fishy dot org is nice. And I’ll do more reconnaissance and report back any findings. But I am definitely feeling more hopeful today. I’ve read a few articles and printed off a little saying. Maybe. Maybe.