Friday, June 30, 2006

Wow! I'm repetitive

Just perusing my old posts and how many times have I said the same thing over and over. How many times in life have I done the same thing?
Isn't that the definition of crazy: repeating the same action over and over again and expecting different results?
I do it in life. Over and over again. I'm going to .
I'm going to work out. I'm going clean my closet, my room, my car. I'm going to keep my room clean, the kitchen clean, the living room tidy, my mind tidy. And on and on.
Most people probably do this. Difference is they aren't idle repititions for me. I truly mean them. Again and again. And the shame and guilt - Whoa! Nelly! I should be Jewish or Catholic or whichever group rends their clothing and cuts their hair and beats themselves with ouchy whip-things.
I have been to the gym starting on Tuesday and every day following.
I haven't cleaned my room. I haven't even vacuumed the living room. But perhaps we can only do one thing at a time until it sticks - and then we can start on the next new project.
And no fair saying that as a whole, I'm a project. It's true, just no fair saying.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Shame and atonement

Things that I wish I could take back or do over. True regrets. These things, for me, are generally not those things I didn't do or mistakes I made in my life. They are the impact I have on others' lives. That is: It is my behavior that generally brings true shame - but behavior that effects someone else's life. A harsh word, a negative jibe that has hurt someone else, effected their behavior or self esteem. I continue to live my life fine but those others are left to live with the ruins and live in the ashes.
Don't get me wrong - I don't think that I have that much power. And any one can take a criticism or a slam and just ignore it (given enough talent, willpower or bad hearing). What's the saying? No one can make you feel bad about yourself.. you do that on your own. ?
What I'm writing about here is my truly awful behavior. Apparently, just last weekend I told my rm, "You're so stupid!" or something of the kind. I didn't even know I said it. I don't remember saying it. But it sounds very much like me. Horrible. Just terrible. I am ashamed.

My bff had a boyfriend who was nothing but kind and sweet to me. And for awhile, I attempted to be friends with him. But my jealousy and my childishness won over. And I was abominable to him. shows the meaning to be: Unequivocally detestable; loathsome. That was me. I don't even remember exactly the things I did to him. What I do remember is what bff told me I did/said to him. It made me cry.

How does one go about changing what one doesn't even know one does? It's like it is unconscious. I must try to be more conscious. I must think before I speak. Right. Well, I will certainly try. I don't wanna be cruel. And I don't want to be ashamed of myself.
We shouldn't have to live with regrets. We should live with robustness and with appetite. We should be grateful and happy. And treat everyone with the respect they deserve. I should remember that those that love me love me for a reason. And never, ever make them question that or feel hurt because I did an unthinking thing.

Feelin' good in the neighborhood

Actually, I'm not in my neighborhood. I'm at the office. "HA!" you say, "You're a liar because you don't even have a job!" Well poo to you! Me mum called while I was working out (hehe 3 days in a row) and asked if I would come to the office for her. She fell 2 days ago and is too sore. (or depressed.) In reality, she's probably both.
I guess she is going to go for the franchise. That's ok. I had been worried about a couple of things - here's just a taste:
1) She doesn't always follow through. Is inconsistent and downright fibs when you call her on something that she's fallen short on.
2) I felt like my life was being decided for me. I'm going back to school. I'm doing what she wants. I bought a house because that's what she wanted.
3) Sierra Vista? Look it up. Shit hole in the middle of Nowhere, AZ.
4) Worse - I'll probably be stuck in Douglas. Mexican border, I don't speak Spanish and it is a totally low income, run down town. Actually, I haven't been there in a while, so perhaps I need to give it another try.
5) Even during off season, I'll have to have the place open 1 day a week. Humph - if there are 3, I'll have to be working in the southern part of the state for 3 days a week.
So here're my new (positive mantra) thoughts.
3 days a week working? That's 4 days off. That's not a bad life.
Spanish. I've always wanted to learn another language. And I've tried Spanish-took it in school. This time I'll have plenty of practice and a good motivator for sticking with it.
Sierra Vista isn't actually a shithole. It is quite nice and is growing. It just has NOOO nightlife. But during the season, I'll be too tired to go out and during off season, I can go into the city or travel up to Tucson with B for great friends and lovely nightlife.
Again, if I really hate it, I can sell the franchises- and it really isn't a bad life. Working 3 1/2 months a year (like a demon) but then only 1 or two days a week for the remainder. Piece of cake. If I can pay my bills, I've got a fab life in the making.
I haven't thought of a positive spin on number 1 yet. I just hope she follows through. She does really well during the season, so perhaps if I'm doing everything else - I'll have no worries.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Satisfied --- (for the moment)

I began my meal plan again. And I worked out. 2 days in a row. I'm exhausted. I need a life.

I got to eat all of the potatoes I wanted. They were good. Not as good as yesterday, when I got to eat all the potatoes I wanted (also) but still good.
For those of you worried about my nutrition - don't be. I also had broccolli and chicken boob and it was all good.
Roommate is at her boyfriends. Yes, she still has a boyfriend. Isn't that nice? Well, actually, it is. Good for her. I hope he is - good for her, that is.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Gawd - dammit it's 2006

Ok. So here I am. And it is 2006. And I've spent the better part of the last hour looking for this damn blog because it's been soo long that i couldn't remember my stupid logon or my password, and I figured that they (the lovely blogspot people) had just deleted it after so much misuse. So I created another site. blah blah. and then it hit me.. how to do it and then it showed me my stupid logon.
I like the name of my other blog. i was really looking for something to show that I could find the courage and fortitude within myself to make these great changes that i really want to make in myself.
I like to show in this blog just how uncomfortable I am in my own skin. And it's true. I'm extremely uncomfortable.
I also learned - I believe that perhaps I was one of the first to use the ending -Ness. like, uncomfortable - ness. I'm hungry-ness. etc. (MY personal favorite: I have to Pee-ness. HA!) But every other mo fo out there now uses Uncomfortableness like it's a real word. It isn't.
Please ! to those of you out there. BUY a DICTIONARY. Or go to Very simple.