Monday, July 03, 2006

Ok. You've caught me.

I was just spending time doing my favorite thing. Looking at the best web site ever! It is all about boys and the lovely web hostess has added a site for lovely ladies too. The web mistress has banded together all sorts of lovely, wonderful, fan-fucking-tastic pics of men - barefoot, wet, wearing glasses - you call your favorite fetish. But it is more than than. Because these pictures are just lovely - like digital works of art. They are pictures that she likes. I don't necessarily think it gets her off - and it doesn't necessarily get me off - or get me doing things in front of my computer one-handed, for that matter. But I sure do get a lovely tingle from looking at them.
People can be so pretty. On the outside. Just lovely, lovely to the eyes. Why is that?
I remember when I saw Mister and Missus Smith. The story was fine - action, romance, comedy, whatever. But what struck me was that I had just spent two hours staring at possibly the most beautiful people in the world. My eyes - well, not exactly hurt - but were . . . overwhelmed. I couldn't process it all. Please understand what I'm saying here. I've never been one of those jolie fans. I always thought she was fairly.. ungainly - ugly even. Her separate pieces just didn't seem to gel. Well, she has grown into her looks. And how. My goodness.
And Pitt. pshaw. Cannot ever tell me he isn't yummy. (Sidebar: I never got it that he dyed his hair to match his partner. Completely dumb.. and I like him best with the really blonde hair of Gweneth, but think Jennifer's is a great look for him too.) I don't like his dark hair now.. but ka-ching, he can always show me the money. (BUT - again sidebar: awful the way he treated or didn't treat or how it worked out with his wife. NOT A FAN OF THE CHEATERS!) Seeing them together.. well, it's like looking staight at the sun. So fantastically beautiful and yet, painful too. And, well, exhausting. Don't we all pale by comparison? I have never seen a picture of the spawn they produced - wait I just looked her up. She looks like a baby. But wait until she grows up! I bet she's going to rock! I guess they are going to produce a super breed of humans that is soooo pretty the rest of us will just not be able to keep up. My guess is that the new race will all look like barbie. The doll. Remember that she was a fashion model, after all.

So. I've started

this great transformation.
And today I started my period. Well, good. Period.
And I have cramps and I need to go work out, which I will do, but for now, I'm just moving extremely slowly.
And I'm happy or sad or just plain emotional, but I took a pamprin and hopefully, it'll do it's job as I need to do mine.
This transformation (that for right now I'm feeling really positive about and soon I'll have to return to these blog postings to give me courage because it won't always be positive or easy or whatever magic it is now) is going well and not necessarily energizing me, but energizing my soul. "Energizing my soul" ?? what?? No. NO. That seems completely wrong and not just in the "I have an aromatherapy candle for just this circumstance" way. What I'm trying to say, I suppose, is that I feel happy or proud or renewed that I have begun again. And although I sit in pain and have been exhausted - I've apparently been suffering from PMS - I should be feeling better in just a bit. And while currently I sit here with cramps, they aren't going to stop me from going to work out and pushing myself there, either. I'm proud of myself for continuing to try. There that's it. I stalled, just like a car, and I wouldn't start. But sometimes you give the battery just enough time and it will kinda recharge itself, just enough to slowly turn over and turn over again and just a little faster and your car has started. That's me right now. I charged my own battery, just a little, just enough to start and I'll keep running for as long as I can.
I had a dream last night (I've been dreaming quite a lot lately.) And who should grace my lovely dream but lovely, cutie-pie - getting better as he gets older RR. I'll just call him Ryan. Because he is lovely and it was MY dream. Also there was my ex-stalker, T. Odd, because I knew Ryan and he knew me and we were beginning to be friends. and T showed up. Boo! And I knew that Ryan couldn't possible like me but T was there making waves. And then they both were nice and attentive. Of course, you can't trust T and I was trying to get rid of him - without really angering him but just, ya know, GET OUT! And then it seemed that Ryan might really like me. And I woke up thinking that I have this baggage. And I'll have to bring T with me where ever I go. (metaphorically- if there is a gawd) Just bring him into the light. Because he's a part of me and the sooner I introduce all of my hangups and quirks and baggage, the sooner I deal with them then the sooner someone really special, like Ryan might actually like me.
Was a nice feeling. That I could be liked.