Sunday, December 25, 2011

Christmas. Really?

Yes, it really was Christmas. I've survived Thanksgiving and Christmas and now only have to get through New Year's day to be able to officially say, "I've survived the Holiday Season."

It didn't feel very Christmas-y, or very Thanksgiving-y either, for that matter. But it wasn't horrible and I did it. We all did it, I suppose if you're reading this. I don't know if it wasn't a supremely happy time because of the loss of my mother or if this year was just extremely different. It seems every one's Christmas and holiday was odd. I'm ok with that, I guess.

I know I haven't been around much lately. I haven't been around at all actually. But I now have designer drugs coursing through my veins and I am feeling much better - never mind that I can't currently move my head: my neck and shoulder are messed up and extremely painful right now.

I am hoping for a very good new year. I miss my mother terribly but I think I'm going to be ok. I've been on a bit of a crazy spending spree (all on credit, of course) and must now try to get back into the "debt free" lifestyle I was hoping to cultivate last time I paid all my cards off. Tax season starts in just a few days and I have tons (really - just piles and piles) of work to do before tax season even begins. I feel as though I can handle the work. I'd better - I have to.

I'm hoping to get the numbers up this year for tax season. I'd like to actually make some money. If we don't, no more tax business and no more job for me. I am making plans on traveling this coming year, so I really hope it all works out, one way or another.

I hope everyone finds peace this holiday season. We could all use some.

Love to you!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Plan for today

Well. I've already blown it. My plan for today was to get drunk. I poured myself a huge stein of margarita on the rocks and I've got heart burn already.

Yeah. Lovely.


OOOH! I just saw The Muppets last night. It was the most enjoyable movie I have seen in quite a long time. It was good, really.

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Well. I've done it.

I've gotten everyone pissed off at me. Again.
Well. I don't have much to say . . . other than - well, why am I always the asshole? And honestly, I can be quite the asshole. But today, I don't really think I was being a jerk.

I've been quite depressed and haven't been doing much, but as it's Sunday, I picked up my dad and we went for brunch at a Santa Fe style Mexican restaurant. And as my sister has been roosting at my father's, she came too. And then she wanted to hang out with me today. I just wanted to lay in bed as I had done the previous day. But I decided I could not face Walmart alone, I agreed. (I had to go to Walmart to purchase her medicine.)
We shopped, we watched some tv, we went back to Walmart and we then cooked.
I asked Mc to come down with the new puppy and that's when I did it.

Later, Sister was all, I think you pissed off Mc. Whoops! Because I didn't mean to. It really had not a lot to do with me. But my delivery of information and probably, my timing played a part too. And now it's going to be a snow-ball effect. He's gonna be mad at me and at G, who in turn will be made at me. Oh, and Sister's already irritated with me. So there ya go. Only M is not mad at me. And probably B. But B isn't talking to me right now.
__________________

I went to the doctor again on Friday. He upped my meds. I finally asked the pharmacy at Wally-world how much the med will be a month. Yeah. Almost $200. Something like $177 per month, I believe is what she said. Better be some good shit for that much.
__________________

OH! I have to say that I am in LOVE with ABC's "Once Upon a Time." In L-O-V-E. So good.

It is combining fantasy with life in today's world which is the curse. So living in today's world is the punishment! HA! They got that right!



I also like - Well, everything. Let's hope it continues to surprise and enthrall me
as it has been doing.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Improvement

I checked my blood sugar level this morning and it was 80. I think that's good.
And today, while missing my mother terribly, it was more of an ache, dull, than an all-consuming spasm of pain wracking my body, especially my chest.
That's an improvement, right?

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

New Worries

So I am thinking that I am getting diabetes. This is not some idle worry or threat. My mother had diabetes, my father has it, both of my grandmothers had it. My grandfathers died before they could get it. They had bad tickers.

The seroquel is said to raise your blood glucose level. Read: sugar. So I've decided to again try to go off of sugar.

Seriously, this is a pain in my ass. And I'm addicted to it like a drug. Last night. Eeek! I don't even want to write it for fear of making it worse and more real.
Deep breath. Last night, after dinner, I checked my level. It was 241. That seems awfully damn high to me. Dad said not to worry, we'd check it this morning before breakfast. It was 115. I thought that was pretty damn high also. He said not to worry -- over 120 is bad.

So once I got to the office, I googled it. Fasting glucose (sugar) levels should be below 100. Over 100 but below 125 is probably pre-diabetes. And here's the thing (well one of the things, anyway), I've been having to pee a lot lately. So much so that I was thinking maybe I was broken down there or maybe I had a urinary tract infection. Nope, that's just a sign of diabetes. That and the thirst I have all of the time lately.
And slow healing. This one doesn't really count because I've always healed very slow (when comparing to others).

Anyway. I'm not usually one of those persons who trolls webMD and then thinks they have whatever they've read. But I do think this is real. And I seriously need to get my shittake in order. I mean really.

One of my professors said once, "You can warn someone the train is coming, but sometimes people don't believe you until they get run down." Is that me? Am I going to get mowed down and then - ? Who will I have to blame? Myself? I already do that all the time anyway.

Gotta start working out too. Let's see if we can slow this train down a bit. Or get the hell off the track. Seriously.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Too much

So, I guess that internet dating site sees when you are at the site, for whatever reason. And the more you are on the site, the higher it puts you as a search result.
?
Is this true?
Because all of a sudden my inbox is blowing up! Too many! Too many!
All with the ever-present Eww! and Yuck!

Maybe I should just remove my profile because, let's be honest, I'm in no shape to start a relationship.
______________

On a different topic, and I know it is too soon, I am feeling much better. Yes, yes. I *know* that it is too soon for the new medicine to work. And I am just having an "ok" day which I have anyway, from time to time.
But I am worried that I am having high blood sugar and that I am developing diabetes. I have been getting dizzy - for no reason, and then getting nauseated - for no reason. Oooh, and let's not forget - oops, already forgot. (OOPS! ALREADY FORGOT!!!)

Well. I have no idea what I was going to write there. Moving on.

Anyway, I'm going to start checking my sugar and see where I stand. Really, not looking forward to that. I did look online and a couple of different sites read that if you exercise, eat right and shed a couple of extra pounds, you can effectively stave off diabetes.
So here's hoping!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Doctor. And Sad.

I went to the doctor today to get a refill and tell him I'm taking more of the med than he prescribed.
And he added on Cymbalta. And this stuff, yeah, it's supposed to be like a miracle drug. So let's see if it produces some miracles.
And I was really sad thinking about things. And the sun was not out --which always makes me sad. And then trying to explain to the doctor that I don't want to get as bad as last time. That I'd rather be dead than get that depressed and get that lost again. But I don't want to say that - because I don't want him to get all worried that I'm going to do myself harm. Because I don't want to do myself harm. And as I don't really believe in an afterlife - unless there is reincarnation - I don't want to be nothing under the ground. So, yeah, I don't want to be dead. At least not yet.
___________________

But!
I did text every one. And I did say - Hey, let's have a dress up party. And I put constraints on it. To Not Spend Money. Because, let's face it, we're all poor.
So my idea was this: Go pull something, some concoction out of your closet. Something we, hopefully, haven't seen before. A weird combination of clothing and turn that into a costume. So you could be slutty or dirty or fancy or a hipster doofus. I guess you could wear pajamas or that fancy, fancy dress that you bought but don't have an occasion to wear. That was my idea.
Plus, make it a pot luck. And everyone bring one bottle and we'll mix them all together and make a witch's brew.
We voted and Saturday night seems to be the night.

Something to look forward to. I hope it goes well.

I'm hoping that I am not too fat to wear this pretty, fancy, stupid dress that I bought - for no purpose other than it was on clearance and was sooo pretty, I couldn't not buy it. Let's see shall we?

Wish me luck.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Confession

Mc made me sign up for an internet dating site. It's free, so that's something.

But the more I think about it, the more oogie it seems. It's like we've found an entirely new way to meet people who are unsuitable for ourselves. And I like to take things slowly and these guys are: BAM! Here's my phone number! Bam! Text me! Bam! Let's have coffee.

Yeah, no.

Mc is of the opinion that I need to let go of fear. I think I just need to let go and just forget dating. It seems so yucky and so - plastic. Like: here is my face at a certain angle in 2D and here are the selected things I'm going to tell you about myself to put myself in a particular package and wrap it up nicely with a bow.

It's so fake and uncomfortable. I'll report back from the trenches.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Did I just post a reminder?

Because I just had some orangecicles. They were good. I can Stop All Sugar now.
I can. But I am going to the ballet with Tm and I'm sure I'm gonna have some drinks. Let's get this party started!
Hee. That's how I roll.

Reminder

I am striving yet again to treat myself better. To treat myself with Love/love.

No more sugar.
Exercise, with care.
Take care of outside, take care of in.
Treat self as precious.

This what I wrote - not even a month ago.

I think I needed a reminder. How about you?

Oh! and a pretty picture to help us remember that we deserve handsomeness in our lives.



Thanks imdb - oh, and Ray Stevenson. Pretty.
:)

Torturous Dreams

So I've been having dreams about my mother lately. Vivid dreams. But I can't quite remember them when I wake.

Last night it seemed if I was having a psychotic break in my dreams because I was talking to her and doing things with her and then I remarked or knew somehow that she was a ghost. And still she laughed. And I don't really remember but I just miss her terribly.
Then I was invoking Trustworthy T. And later he called, all in the dream of course. And I was amazed that he called and he was calling a wrong number- or pretending to- and at once, I recognized his voice. I wondered at how he had my number and then realized that Mom had kept my line for business. I don't know why: she just did. And he spoke about his life, that he had a plumbing company-very small-that he was hoping would make it. And how his life was so good now. And it was because he had no pain. He had finally exorcised his demons and was free from pain. Something like, I should try it and it was the easiest thing in the world: to be pain free.
And in my dream, I could hear myself saying something really bitchy, but then stopping and tempering my voice and telling him, good for you. I'm glad.
And as I left my parents' house where I grew up and where they no longer live, I saw him trying his old tricks, trying to follow me. And that's where the dream gets all retarded and I'm leading him - not really - on a high speed chase.

Some back story.
Trustworthy T was not trustworthy. He was tortured. He had a tortured soul. And my soul rushed to soothe his. This, of course, cannot be done and many years did his soul, his being, torment mine.
Also: he was a dick. A right asshole.
He was the closest thing I have had to a boyfriend and yet, he wasn't my boyfriend.
He was abusive. And a drunk. Oh, and don't forget, mentally ill. He had crazy ideas and in high school and after, I ate them up.
In the beginning, he called all the girls, "Doll." Heartrendingly adorable. He wore sunglasses, Ray-bans, all the time, even at night. He was small and smoldering. Dark hair, dark eyes.
And I wanted desperately, needed desperately, to be in his life. We became inseparable.
Through the years, once I finally, finally ended it. I've demonized him. I'm not sure it is fair but he is not the hero in my story. And he was one abusive fuck.
And I was addicted.

I've effectively hidden from him for years - but then with home ownership and the ever-connected web, I'm sure he knows exactly where I am. And it is entirely possible that he's watched me. But, at this point, I doubt that he would even care to do as much. He used to stake out and be a right effective stalker but I am sure I am not his prey. Not anymore.
He's threatened more than once to kill my parents, to kill me. And I told him I would never have the strength to leave him again but I did, finally, and this time it stuck.

My chest feels heavy and tightly coiled. And the sadness is heavy, heavy.

And the reality probably is
He is probably happy and well. Good for him.
And I am not. Sad for me.

Let him be happy -- far away from me.
But don't I deserve some happiness? What should I do to find it? To release this pain inside my chest?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Mid-week, Mid-October

I've been having trouble posting recently because while I'm not terribly sad, I'm not terribly happy either.

I have been doing some good work, so that's a bonus.

I did, this past weekend, attempt to clean my shower. Yep, you read that right. This entire weekend. Also: attempt. You see, I have a really, really big shower/tub enclosure. It is a sunken, tiled-in expanse of approximately six feet long and four feet wide. The tile reaches all the way to the ceiling which, as I was scrubbing this weekend, I estimated at being 12 feet tall. It is supposed to be a tub, it's rectangular and (as I've said) tiled and missing some grout and doesn't hold water very well. Even if it did hold the water well, the surface area is so vast, the water cools down almost immediately.
Now, I used to clean it fairly regularly, if not often, but when I had that last bad bout of depression--it got really bad, mostly because I did not notice until it was downright disgusting. I've tried to clean it a bit since then but have found that it just might be too late for my shower. I might have to burn it down and gather the insurance money and go on vacation where, supposedly, some unseen hands clean their showers for them.
I bought the foaming kind of cleaner that goes on one color and then once clean should magically change color so that you know you don't have any work to do at all. Well. I sprayed it on (and unlike the commercial in which it appears that it is sprayed on and at an undetermined future point the foam will go blue - wait, white - it started blue) and it immediately went from one color to the finalized "clean" color. I wiped away. And then I kinda scrubbed away. And while the tile did look better it brought up the notion that it was cleaner but not clean. Plus with my shower being so big, I broke the task into different sections. Also - it might have said on the container and I didn't read it, but the tile canNOT be wet. It has to be completely dry. So I had to further break up the cleaning process.

Ok. You are totally bored now, I can tell. The final point being: the shower is cleaner, not clean.
But I also cleaned at my toilet, which is pretty near sparkly, I'll tell you.

Perhaps all of this is my perfectionism, which is supposedly to blame for my procrastinationism. (procrastinationness? heeee.)

I also attempted to put away laundry - but mostly just put away bedding. I attempted to clean the guest toilet - which is grody. Ack. Gag. Boys are nasty. Girls ain't no picnic neither.
_______________

We did come down early again this week and it seems to be working better. At least my week isn't so strained in the very beginning. We have finished the Percy Jackson audio books and have moved on to swashbuckling privateers - aka murderous pirates. It's fairly gross but at least it's different.

My friend B just shot me an email. She's having "a fucking asshole of a day." Let's all send her some good juju, shall we?

OOOH! Also: the #Occupy movement has not stopped. It has increased. See if it's come to your city/town. Support them. It's for all of us.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

A Sunday mid-October

The weather here is starting to lighten up. Not by much, granted, but at least when you're in an air-conditioned room or house, you're actually cool. Unlike during the height of the summer and you walk into a room from the outside and for a moment it's like heaven and then you realize, it's hot in there too.

OOOH. I maybe mis-spoke. It's gonna be a hundred today. Ewww. But it is cooling down nicely overnight. I think. Maybe I'm just turning the a/c down lower. That is a distinct possibility.

Eh, it's always hot until Halloween. I always say that and it's always true. You go out and you buy a very light, nearly-naked costume because it has been so freaking hot and then Halloween night comes (which let's face it, is November) and it is Cold. Not cold like the mid-west but Phoenix cold.
________________

I was riding a high of my accomplishments all through Friday and I crashed and burned yesterday. Ahhhh, Depression. I cannot forget you.

Had a nice dinner with my cousin last night. The brain doctor. (Fancy, right?) Anyway, it was pleasant, as it always is. Then we went and saw a small play. Wow. Powerful stuff. Then came home and hung out for awhile with Mc. Let me tell you, at this time in my life, I really appreciate having him around. And so I told him.

What a difference feeling good makes. *There's* an understatement. But seriously, I was cleaning the shower and the toilet, I was moisturizing, I was wearing mascara (gasp!). Oh, I was taking vitamins. Last night, I was so tired / uncaring I didn't even take my crazy pill(s).

G came over and rescued me yesterday. I had locked myself out with the dogs. Heh. I just picked up the phone to call him. I got as far as the area code and remembered that he is busy today. He is always busy. - It was super nice of him to come and rescue me (said without sarcasm). What followed felt like torture, though. It just felt awkward and it felt like he wanted to leave but didn't know how to tell me he had to leave and that I would accuse him of not really having to leave and he was trying to avoid a fight. Eh, probably my fault because Mc got a puppy without asking me and I asked if G thought that was ok and G kinda went off on me about it. G thinks it's ok. Obviously. -Problem is: we are just Not Connecting. At all. On any level. He is so busy and I am not useful to him. It's a problem. A major problem. He's being a shitty friend. Maybe so am I. I just can't figure out what to do differently.

Ok. I'm gonna get myself and my crapola together and get Dad some breakie. Then I have to plan the evening meal. Boo.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Victory, sort of.

I've been feeling very sad. And that is such an understatement that I don't even have words to describe how lacking they are to tell you how sad I've been.

It's like all the joy in the world has been murdered.

And this week at work . . . well, it's a deadline week. So much needed to be done - including my parents' tax return.

I started the day on a roll and quickly got many things accomplished and felt pretty darn pleased with myself. I knew pain would come - and I let it. I sat alone in my office and cried and did my parents' tax return. After the first few waves of grief, I calmed down for a good portion of the day and was able to work the data in front of me. I skipped over the rental and the business and just went through the rest of the information. When it was time, I had to swing back to the business and enter the information there. It started new, fresh pain. And I cried.

I cried for a good portion of the evening but finished the return. Maybe it was cleansing, maybe not - but it was necessary. I did what was needed and finished the tax return. Good for me.

P.S.
Also: I had pleasant dreams last night. A welcome relief.
Also: they starred a handsome man whose picture I've posted before. Heeeee. I was a dork in my dreams, just as I'd be in real life. So much for fantasy.

Saturday, October 08, 2011

Good news.

A little off topic, but still.

Three women were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize yesterday. All three work for equality and social justice. That's amazing! Good for them. Good for us.

Ellen Johnson Sirleaf
Leymah Gbowee
Tawakkul Karman

Again Sad

I haven't posted in a few days because I've been really very sad.
Nothing to say that's witty or funny or even anything beyond wallowing in my sadness.

And there's a whole bunch of anger. Anger scares me. I believe it can cause cancer if it continues unchecked. (I am not! saying! that everyone with cancer caused it by being angry! I just believe it can poison a system and that poison can contribute to cancer.) I do. I believe it.
Also, this anger I'm feeling - doesn't seem to have a beginning or an ending. It just is. It's kind of like oxygen. It's surrounding me and entering into my lungs and then flowing into my veins fueling every part of me - and also poisoning like dirty air, polluted and foul.

Mostly I am just splintered. A shard stabbing there, a piece breaking off here.
Many years ago, I was doing a little dance, in my house, in my bare feet. I stepped on an earring full on and the pain was so intense, I twisted my ankle hard and broke it. Actually, it shattered. This is apparently what happened because it happened so fast, I was on the floor in intense pain. I kept walking on it and it kept getting worse: more pain, more swelling. Only years later, after I had broken it again and x-rays were taken did the tech say, "You've broken your ankle before," did I know that that moment, I shattered something vaguely important and it would haunt me endlessly. I had never taken care of it, precisely. That's a story for another time. But I have these shards floating around in my ankle that never healed.
Now, every once in awhile, one of the shards from that faithful, funny dance hit a nerve, and I crumble and fall into a heap from the pain of it all.
This is what my depression/grieving feels like. Except it's not months and years between events. It's hours and days. I'm just going about my business and Bam! huddled mass writhing in pain on the floor.

This is me. Angerball and hideous misery circulating through me trying their best to fuse and become one.

I'm damn tired of it. And there's anger there too. Anger at myself for feeling this way. And anger begets anger.

Now what?

I've been taking more of the seroquel. Hoping it will help. Sleep is not coming easy. Only pain. That comes easy enough.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

So I was thinking

That's always a bad sign: me thinking.

Yeah, I was thinking that I need to lose some weight. (Ha! Seriously.) And that if I begin right now, I have approximately seven months before the end of tax season. And maybe, just maybe, if I work my ass off (heee literally) I can lose a hundred pounds. (A 100 lbs.)

!!!

Yeah, that was yesterday and the day before. I was sincerely thinking that.

I went off sugar and stayed off for a week. Until last night and I had some cookies. Chocolate chip cookies. And today I couldn't shake the wanting of Cheetos. Bastard, that Chester Cheetah.

I went for a walk with Mc and the girls and the new girl. And this morning I went for a short but heaving chest/short of breath walk up a (slight) hill.
_______________

I'm *expletive* sad. Just sad. Depressed. I just saw my doctor and told him I was doing better on the medicine. And maybe I am. But I'm going to go and take the entire pill and see if it helps at all. Just too sad to function at this point.

_______________


Oooh! My cousin may be getting a new house. She's in escrow (I guess) and is just waiting for the pieces to fall into place.
And! I just bought her a Zombie Garden Gnome! I am so pleased. She really loves zombies and apocalyptical stuff, so I'm thinking that I've just purchased the perfect housewarming present. I hope I have, anyway.

I got it from Etsy and if you type in "garden zombie gnome" into google or etsy, you can purchase one too.

I had to use my credit card but hey, you only live once, right?

________________

How do I stop from feeling this way?

Huh. That wasn't really helpful. I just typed "bereavement" into google and it came up with information - well, lots of information, but the top site talked about severe symptoms only lasting two months. Really, two? Yeah. That's an issue. Now I'm worried about that, too.

Monday, October 03, 2011

I am sad today

I got up and went to the doctor. Pretty standard, really.
I called my father and met him up at the car repair place. More money going to the car - but it's old, it needs some TLC. Plus: it got us through our cross-country odyssey, so it deserves a break today. Ha!
We went to a soup and salad bar for lunch/breakfast. It was a nice change of pace.
Went back to his place and I finished up the laundry, folded and put away, etc. I also washed this footstool/cube thing that my mother had purchased that had goodness-knows-what all over it. I'm hoping putting the cube under the one side of the bed will make it less tilt-y and easier for me to get out of it.
I just am sad. Crying, really. A little, anyway. As much as I'll let myself, which isn't much.
Mc bought a dog. She's a tiny little thing. A Boston Terrier that actually squeaks when she barks. That'll get annoying really quick! But we went for a walk - all of us, Mc and his new girl and me and my two girls. Let's hope a little exercise will get me out of my depression.

Saturday, October 01, 2011

I forgot to say "Rabbit"

Long ago in a nebula far, far away in a land called Virginia, Virginia Beach to be precise, I was a young school girl. And at this particular school there was a grey-haired teacher named Mrs. Webster.

She was alright.

But she had a secret.

Her secret involved her teaching style. She would encourage us to get all of our work done, because if we did, we could listen to story time. If you didn't finish your work, you would have to stay at the back of the classroom where the lights were on and work on work. If you had completed your work, you were treated to having the lights dimmed and getting comfortable on the floor with mats and pillows to listen to her tell stories.

Still, her true secret was her story-telling ability. She told fantastical stories about a young girl in the pioneer times ala Laura Ingalls Wilder who was chased and eventually captured by non-PC and savage "Indians." It was actually one story told over many pieces, many days, many weeks that continued and wove such a great tapestry that all these years later, I can remember it. Well, parts of it, anyway. There was danger, suspense, and action galore! It really wrapped up our young minds into another world.

One thing Mrs. Webster told us I still remember and I still practice to this day. It was that if you say "rabbit" the very first thing on the first day of the month, you would get a present. You wouldn't know when it was going to be but sometime during that month, you would get a surprise.

It's quite a difficult thing to do, to utter "rabbit" first thing in the morning when you wake up, the first thought in your mind. As adults, at least for me, things start zinging through my mind, not the least of which is "10 more minutes" and "damn, I'm late."

Try it yourself. I have found it is always true. I always receive a present some time during the month that I remember to declare "rabbit" first thing. I must confess, however, that I only ever remember to proclaim, "Rabbit!" on the first day of my birth month and December. Months guaranteed to offer up presents. But still, every month I try to remember and some months I do. And I get a present without fail.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Now

That is a picture promo from the movie Bridesmaids. It took me a long time to find it and then place it here.
I was writing the "What the H?" post and I wanted this picture in that post. And it took forever to find a good one and then to figure out how to get it to load and meanwhile Mc came in and started talking to me and - I Forgot Completely What I Was Going For. I couldn't remember. What did the picture of Bridesmaids have to do with anything?
?
Blink. Blink.
A week later, I remembered! ? Senile so early? Yes, yes I have that. Senility.
Anyway. When Annie is trying to make nice with Helen, they go and play some tennis. Annie remarks that Lillian doesn't like competition and, therefore, doesn't like tennis/sports. Helen responds with something like, well she must have changed. And then it went back and forth. People can change. People stay the same. People can change who they are. People can change a little bit on the outside, but mostly stay the same deep down.
So that was my question: do people change? Do they have the capacity to fundamentally change who they are?
Do we stay the same deep down? Probably. Is this a problem? Maybe. I will always crave sugar and high fat foods. Cheesecake, good cheesecake will always haunt my dreams (probably. unfortunately.). Can I lose weight and keep it off and live a healthy lifestyle?
And it's also more than that. Can I change the things that are a part of what makes me who I am but I dislike?

What if the answer is "no"? If it is, why bother trying?
The diet industry, for example, tells us we can change - but every year the same people are spending A LOT to try the newest diet aid, fad or exercise gadget. And when I write a lot, I mean a lot: 40 Billion Dollars American every year. So the diet industry is saying we can but knows that we really aren't. We're desperate and we're staying desperate.
And desperate we are. Dictionary.com reads that the meaning of desperate is reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency. Ever seen someone with SlimFast in their grocery cart? Ever known someone staying up late at night ordering the newest ab-building, waist-handled exercise video? Reckless with their money and full of urgent despair. Whoops! Sorry, that was me I was describing.

My question is really is: Can I change? Can I make my life into something I want, something that ultimately advances happiness or am I doomed to wallowing and to thinking, "what if?"

I don't think it's fair to live my life that way. Life isn't fair. Is that the end of the story?

I don't think so. Change is hard. Change, for me, can be petrifying. -Again with the definition- to be so afraid you can't move or think. That's what can happen for me. I get so scared that I stop moving forward - and maybe start moving backward- messing up months of progress in a single weekend or low point.
Also, I get easily distracted. Look! Something shiny!
Whoops!

So here I go again. It is day three of No Sugar. I went to Trader Joe's, picked up the non-sugar bread plus another kind I am hoping my father will enjoy.

I'm putting my money, my life actually, on the idea that I *can* change. That I can be more the person I want and fundamentally change deep down.
I want to be the person who looks happy from the outside and who actually is on the inside.
I want to be smart and funny and read great novels.
I want to go to the theater and the ballet and be fabulous.
I want to sit in a chair with arms and be comfortable. Maybe even put my purse next to me.
I want to know that I am truly loved. I want to feel that feeling.
I want to like what I see in the mirror.
I want to feel healthy and strong. -Mentally and physically.
I want to be confident and kind.
I want to travel and have lots of (good) friends.
I want Love.
On this day I will work towards those wants. On this day, I will struggle to be more the person I want. I want to be a good person but I also want to be a good person who is happy.
I wish us happiness and love. And I'm gonna start fighting for it. This is me - and I'm taking a stand. It begins now. (Shit, I'm scared!)




*BTW: If you haven't seen Bridesmaids, go see it. Go now.*

Thursday, September 29, 2011

September 2011

I made it through a day of no sugar!

It's really quite difficult.

For example - there are no breads offered at Wal-mart that do Not have sugar in them. As a matter of fact, it has gotten so bad that sugar is now the third ingredient in most (probably more than 90%) of the brands/kinds of bread. And these were the "whole" grain or wheat kinds. The kinds that are supposed to be healthy! A couple of the types had sugar or high fructose corn syrup as the second ingredient! Ummm.. what??

I ended up purchasing the bread that had sugar listed farthest down on the list - and then I did Not have a sandwich as planned, just a salad. I did have a helluva lot of cheese. So much Fat! Oh, well. One thing at a time, I suppose.

I seriously almost caved late last night as the chocolate chip cookies were staring at me. But my laziness prevailed and I did not eat them. I think. I had a dream that I did - but I'm pretty sure it was a dream as the cookies were not moved or disturbed from their place.
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I have a terrible feeling today. Ever heard of a sinking feeling? Well, that's what I've got.

Also: I still have to report that anytime someone says my mother's name, I break inside. Mostly it's my dad mentioning this or that about her, what she did or what she didn't like. It kills me and I ache.

Another thing that sets me off - beyond consolation is grandmother stuff. The thought of my kids never meeting her just rips me up, tears me into little shreds and I splinter and catch on fire as the lava flows into my lungs.

Yeah, this is so much fun, right?

So enough of that!

What can I post that would be better? I should mention the above is completely absurd as I don't have kids and at this point, I may never have them. Yeah. That wasn't cheery. We'll move on.
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I should probably point out that a really cool thing is happening. Not around here - but hopefully it will make its way all the way across this country. Next stop the world!

Occupy Wall Street

It's wicked cool and I wish I were there to support them. Actually - to support us. It's for me too. I'm certainly not in the 1%. That being the wealthiest of the wealthy. The top 1% own more than 40% of the worlds wealth.

Now, that being said, I am one of those people who do want to have the wealth redistributed. I believe that we should all be able to live and not have to go hungry or live in the elements. I am Not a Robin Hood type that wants to steal from the rich and give to the poor.

I think people who are wealthy should be able to enjoy it. They should be able to have a nice house (crazy big, with gold plated crapper) and a nice car or two, if they want it. I do NOT believe that they should have more than they or their children or their children's children could possibly spend in a lifetime.

It's ok (IMHO) for people to be successful and to make a buck. I'm just saying that we all should be able to make a living wage. Accumulation of wealth is nice - but there are other people who may need your help. Helping them will not diminish you. Something to think about.

I wasn't trying to preach, I was just trying to give my opinion. Make a buck, take care of you and yours, and then give back. It's a cycle that would serve everyone well.
_______________

It's the end of September and I haven't anything to show for it. I did have a really nice time going cross country and I hope to get to repeat that sometime soon.
Work is so busy and I can't seem to concentrate. I'd better get my act in gear.

So far today, I haven't had any sugar and have done some work. Not a lot, but some. Ok. Got to get on the ball. I have a client coming in in about a half an hour.

So much to do!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Pretty

This is just because he's pretty and pretty damn likeable.



I should give credit to the TV addict dot com for this picture. It's on there though.

I wish you Love

This morning while getting ready and the myriad of things was tumbling through my mind, I started thinking about Nathan Fillion. Who, let's face it, is wonderful. And I was thinking about a tweet he sent out yesterday in support of his past castmate from Firefly, Dr. Simon Tam, or in the real world - Sean Maher!

Sean Maher just came out of the closet in a spectacular interview. In it he expressed regret that he never told his Firefly castmates because he felt, even now, that they were like family. There were a flurry of tweets, this way and that, all supporting him. I did not know any of this because I did not "follow" anyone besides Mr. Fillion. I read the tweet from Fillion to Maher and it read essentially that it is sad for anyone to be suffering because of who they are and we loved you then and we love you now.

Wow. Nice, right? I replied to both of them that they were class acts. Not the best response to be sure, but there you go.

So this morning I was thinking about Fillion and Maher and how Maher was happy and a dad and in a long-term relationship. And I thought, I wish them Love. My next thought was, "That's all I ever wish for people: Love."

And it's true. I wish it, with all my heart, in all its fragments. I wish them, everyone of them, everyone of you, Love.

And I wish it for myself.

And so, if I wish it for myself, why do I not strive for it? What does it mean for me to have Love in my life? What would it take for me to have Love in my life? Why am I not giving myself love? (Big L and small l.)

And so here we go again folks.

I am striving yet again to treat myself better. To treat myself with Love/love.

No more sugar.
Exercise, with care.
Take care of outside, take care of in.
Treat self as precious -- as if a mother holding her first babe.

This is day one.
And already I forget. But I try, try.

Let's be forgiving, shall we?

Let's endeavor for Love, aim for it, manuever towards it, focus on nothing but it.

Love.

I wish it for all of us.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Do I get credit?

It's Sunday afternoon and right on schedule, I'm late again. I just stuck the roast in the slow cooker, so that's got to be an oxymoron, right?

Sundays are usually very busy because I get up a little later than normal and then go to my dad's to get him breakfast or to go out to breakfast (lately) and then go to the grocery and then prepare dinner for my aunt, dad and sister, if she decides to come. (I think that's the definition of a run-on sentence.) Anyway, it always takes forever because I don't know what I'm going to fix and so I wander around the grocery store for ingredients that should probably consist of staples and, therefore, I should have on hand but never do.

I try to get some laundry done because I don't/can't do laundry during the week because I'm on a special 9-9 plan with the power company to try to control costs. -Which should not really be a big deal because my current roommate (Mc) doesn't exactly keep normal hours, so he could, in theory, do his laundry during the week after 9 pm when I'm not even home. He does not. And so most weeks when I come home there is tons of laundry piled up guy-fashion in the machine so that I am unable to start mine. But he's normally cleared out by Sunday and so I begin.

Back to the Sunday conundrum. I, apparently, am trying to be a domestic goddess. And, truthfully, I don't understand why it's so difficult. It doesn't sound difficult. I used to make dinner all the time when I was "on program." (When I was eating a nutritionist-designed meal plan and creating healthy, yummy dinners for me and my roommate at the time, M.) And so it didn't used to be difficult, but let me tell you, it *really* is.

So I spend my day running here and there and shopping and cleaning and doing laundry and preparing food and packing and unpacking and cleaning over at my aunt's and cleaning over at my dad's.

This, by the way, is not for which I was asking the question about credit. That is a completely unrelated issue. After a short discussion with my father, we have decided to put the family business - the franchise really- up for sale. This FREAKS ME OUT. I don't know that this is my choice. But, I believe that if we put it up for sale and some one buys it - we get something out of it. I believe that if we do Not put it for sale and we decide to close, we get nothing. Nothing. I think the franchise just reverts back to the parent company. -- SO. I was going to call a trusted person and ask his opinion and ask if this line of thinking was correct. Because he's in the business. Oh, and by the way, I used to be totally, completely, fucking-insane in love with this man. So. I dialed the number - and felt completely ill. Just sick. But I pushed send anyway. The number says it is out of service. Not like - "it's broken and we'll fix it" out of service but "they don't have this phone anymore" out of service. But I don't know. I don't know if it's been temporarily turned off as that's the feeling the recording gave me or he quit his job and quit this phone six months ago.

That's what I think I should get credit for. I freakin' called someone I probably want to call but shouldn't call but really need to call. Like a grown up. And it wasn't *my* fault he didn't answer. I put the effort in. I want the credit. That's all I'm saying. Also. I called the number from two different phones, just to be sure.
___________

Ok, I know you're waiting for it. The report on how my geekyNess went down. A and I did meet up with a very charming and polite man. (Although I must confess that his name reminds me of a serial killer's name - Or- Valdemort's real name. Oh! And he's British, so you know, there is that.)

He is married and his wife enjoys Fantasy/Sci-Fi and gaming as much as he does, apparently. Although, she was unable to come as she was in Italy. Oh, darn.

A and I drove to his house. I was particularly harried and concerned because I was running late and I hate, hate, hate being late. But we got there safe and sound and traveled to the Tucsons and went to the historic Fox Theatre and watched Serenity. And it was super-fun.

I especially enjoyed the Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. You could hear members of the audience singing the songs. It made me happy. The ending of Dr. Horrible always upsets me a little because I Always (ALWAYS) want a happy ending. I don't care how contrived the story has to be to get there, I just want puppies and rainbows ALL OF THE TIME. Yes. I *am* the target American audience. It's true.

A and I had a couple of drinks at the hotel lounge and then went back to the room and settled in and watched part of The Bourne Supremacy before nodding off.

A and I got up a little early, got ourselves set and had breakfast. We were completely ready, checked out and waiting for MWrit when he arrived. He's a super interesting guy who has among his hobbies taiko and amber gaming. Parts of this sound interesting to me. Parts sound hideously boring. I'll leave it to you to form your own opinion.

After leaving MWrit's home, A and I came the final trek home. We discussed things. I want to travel- pretty badly. And of all my friends, he seems the most likely well suited for such endeavors. However, he never has - so this could be complete conjecture. Problem is - isn't this the same problem we all have? - Finances. So, if he's really serious about going - he just needs to put money aside. That's all any of us has to do, really. Really. If you want A bad enough, you forgo B. Unless of course, B is eating, rent, gas money. Which, sometimes, it really, really is. I get that. I really do.

This afternoon, I sent A the link to the state department's website for first time passport applicants. I hope this works.

Oh! Going back a bit. Joss Whedon had a little intro clip about the fans of Serenity and what kind of good the fans are doing in the world - and what it means to be a feminist. Gawd Bless Joss Whedon. I'm just saying. Love that man. Crushed, crushed that he is married. Well, not really, but damn! she got a good guy!

So I'll put a little picture of the ceiling of the Fox Theatre here so that you can see A) what a terrible photographer I am and B) how lovely the ceiling was (although you won't be able to enjoy the light fixture but it was something).

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Saturday Morning - Anyone Feel Like a ROAD Trip?

So. Trying to create this life I want. Trying to spend time with friends and family and make new friends. And do something freaking interesting.

Yeah, here's the thing: You won't find it interesting. Gawd, please let it be interesting. I am (drum roll) going to the Tucson Big Damn Shindig. Yep. You have no idea what that means, do you? Not sure that I do myself. BUT. I am going.

See Joss Whedon had a short-run tv series, Firefly. Fans liked it so much that years later he finally got to make a movie based on the tv series, Serenity. Now, I wasn't on board for the tv show. I remember A telling me about it and how wasn't that cool? And I was all. . . Yeah? But A and I went and saw the movie in the theater and I really did like it. So later I bought the series and watched it.

And then some random guy told me on a bus/shuttle thing about "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" and it sounded HiLarIOus. It is kinda great. Really, it is.

And this year I had the idea to buy A and G tickets to Phoenix ComicCon for their birthdays. (They are just days apart.) And there - among all the stuff - sat the Browncoats.

The Browncoats are fans of the series/movie. And once a year they have Can't Stop The Serenity (CSTS). That means once a year they put the movie in a real theater to see it on the big screen - AND all the proceeds go to charity. And Joss Whedon's favorite charity is Equality Now! Freaking Fabulous, yes? YES! A feminist charity for women (and all females). I could get on board with Joss Whedon!

So, A and I decided to go down and I signed us up to carpool hoping to meet people and bing-bang-boom. We are going to CSTS Tucson!

I am hoping that we end up meeting some people. And maybe make some friends. So far though, we have a maybe on the carpool as no one has signed up to go with us. I reached out to one of the other drivers to see if he wanted to go together and got a big, fat "maybe" from the deal.

Oh, well. I'm sure we will have a good time, I am not sure that we will meet anyone and expand our ever-shrinking horizons. I hope we do. I hope we meet people and make the kind of friends that I so desperately crave.

Here's hoping. Wish me luck!

Friday, September 23, 2011

What the H? It's 10 am already?

Ok.

So.

I have not been writing but I've been thinking about it a lot. I've been writing posts in my head and reading other people's posts and thinking, "Hey! They said what I'd like to say, but waaay more eloquently than I ever could." And let's be honest, my last couple of posts sucked. Yeah, I said it and you read it. They Sucked.

I've been thinking about what I'd like to say and what kind of theme this blog should have and who I am and who I'd like to be. It seems like a stupid, muddled up thing. I am who I am, right? Yes, but no. I always want to be more. I am never comfortable with where I am now. I am never, ever forgiving of who I am. And we can always change, right?

Can we always change? Because I'm doing a shitty job of changing. I'm still fat, still unhappy, still 40 (Although I'm *totally* not. I will cut you.), still fighting mental illness, still not in a relationship, - wow, this is NOT cheering me up. Point is: I haven't been doing a great job of changing.

I've even stopped my whole "I'm fucking 40 and I don't want to look 80" regime. I haven't been washing my face at night. I haven't been flossing. I haven't been moisturizing or sunscreening or giving a shit. I'm lucky to fucking brush my teeth and wash my hair.

I've been eating ice cream. And M&M's. And pizza. Oh, by the fucking way: Girl, remember how you don't eat Asian food because you fucking throw up? Yeah, stop fucking eating pizza. You throw up, you fucking moron! (Said with love.)

Work is getting out of control. Everything is slipping. The "trying to be a good daughter" shtick is getting real old. And now, being on the meds - I'm not caring so much. They're numbing me out - just a bit - just enough. Just enough to not want to die, but to let everything fall apart, too.

And I'm busy. I'm trying to spend time with friends and family and make more friends and create this life that I want.

How do I make the life I want? How do I stop whining about it?

Do something fucking interesting!

I am so over me right now. Forgive me if I take a break - this is getting ridiculous.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

So Busy at Work. Don't know what I'm doing.

That's comforting, isn't it? I have so many things to do and I am trying to accomplish at least one of them - and I can't seem to figure out how to do the stupid stuff! That's not true. I can figure out how to do it, it's just taking what I feel is an unreasonably long amount of time to do it.

Also: I have too many things to do and I am flitting from one thing to another when the first thing is not complete, but taking too long. I'm a little scattered, to say the least.

I need to make a list of the things that need to be done so that I can at least get a handle on it. At least then I'll know what I'm avoiding. Or attempting to do, whichever motivation is stronger that particular day.

Ok. I am making a list right now. I don't want to do any of these things. On a positive note, I checked the last list I made and there only seems to be two things left on that list, one of which is always, *always* on the list. They, of course, went onto the new list.
__________________

Enough talk about boring lists.

I went to the doctor on Monday. It was another particularly bad day. I took half a pill in the afternoon and slept until approximately 6. I got up and called my dad and decided not to go over. I took another 1/2 pill and went to bed.

Tuesday morning with the terrible, long drive - I think I've decided something. I just don't wanna. I think I truly need to start coming down here on Monday afternoons. That Tuesday morning drive is murder. And if I don't work something out, it will be, literally. What if I fall asleep driving? Too terrible to think about.

I've noticed in just the couple of days since I've been on the Seroquel, I'm zoning out. I should let Dad drive, but. . . Honestly, he's not a good driver. It would be close to call whose the worse driver - him or a passed-out me. I just need Not to pass out. I think the books on tape really help with that. I didn't get one this week. I won't make that mistake again.
________________

Coming down here was particularly difficult - well, no. Coming down wasn't. But our arrival. It was achingly painful. It's like trying to learn to breathe underwater - except the water is molten lava. My soul hurts. I think the medicine is helping, if at least to numb me out. It's a small dose - I just have to not loose sight of what it is I want.

Wait, what was it again?

I do. I need to work it out. Find what makes me happy and pursue it with all my might. With all my fight.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Monday Morning Blues.

Except now it is Monday afternoon.

I did go to the doctor. This went quite well. We (he) decided to put me on Seroquel. I was on it some time ago but got panicked and went off of it when was told there was a link between it and diabetes. And as I already have a hard-wiring for diabetes, I figured I didn't need any help getting there.

Only problem with the Seroquel. Freaking Pricey! $200 american, to be exact. This will take some adjusting to the budget, I can tell you.

I was having such a crap day, I attempted to cut it in half and take some early. It didn't cut exactly in half so I took the small half and went to bed -- for most of the afternoon.

You know what?????

Here. Go Here: http://thebloggess.com/2010/10/furiously-happy/

FURIOUSLY HAPPY! If you haven't read The Bloggess, what are you waiting for? Go! Go now!
And I'm tired and she's sooo much better than me and you MUST go read her, now!

Oh and she's very funny-- here's one so that you know she's HI Lar I Ous!
http://thebloggess.com/2010/03/wtf-me/

Actually! The bottom link is my act of being Furiously Happy! This is me deciding to be FURIOUSLY HAPPY and FUCK! all the bad stuff stirring around in my head.

Also, fuck. You will now go and read her (GOOD! Go!) but you will never come back to read me. Darn! Oh, well. Totally worth it, I guess. No. Totally Worth It! #FURIOUSLYHAPPY

And here is a picture that always makes me smile. I don't know who to give the credit to, but it was on a greeting card. Cutest Face EVAH!

Believe it or not!

I actually did it. What I said I was going to do! I went in my closet and removed 5 items (actually 7) that are ready to donate. One of the two not being donated right now is one I tried on to see if it fit and if I would wear it. Yes to both. So, for now, it stays. The other I think might be a part of a set. I think the top is in the mound of clothes on the chair in my room. I don't want to donate only half of a set. It would be nice if they were together so someone could have an entire outfit.

I also made dinner for my Dad and aunt. Made conversation and cleaned up Aunt's kitchen and then drove Dad home. I came home (and an elf did Not clean up my kitchen in my absence) and I cleaned my kitchen, did the dishes, cleaned out the fridge and took out two bags of trash. (Yuck!)

I also had a semi-breakdown to P!nk's F**kin' Perfect. I know, I know this is going to make me sound old. I know. But the "fuckin'" part of the song seems a little gratuitous. And completely un-fucking-necessary. But the lyrics are beautiful. And I love them. It makes me completely love her.

This is where I would put in a link to the video for it - but I can't seem to get my computer to do anything at all. *Very* interesting. Hmmm.

Oh! And I guess I'm giving up because I took a sleeping pill and it's starting to make me light headed. I should lie down before I fall down.

Let's have a good week! I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow to tell him that I am crazy and that I have no insurance and please, please help me! I'm afraid he might run in the opposite direction. Oh, he's from England. I'm not sure where this fits in - something like, I guess he could hop across the pond to get away from me. Eh? No? Ok. Fail. I am worried though.

Update! Here is the video for P!nk's F**kin' Perfect.



Sunday, September 18, 2011

Ready to Rum-ble! It's Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

Well. I've been up. I just sent about a hundred pictures to my aunt who could not make the trip to the wedding we went cross country for because she has cancer and her immune system is nil. But it's her closest sister's first son's wedding. So I tried to take a lot of pictures - but then I had added a Google+ app to my phone and it was constantly trying to upload the pictures - so my battery died really fast. I also tried to send her several that day so she could feel more included. Here is a lovely one that's all blurry. It's still purdy. There were faery lights all in the barn. It was magical. That was the sign that reads "Just Married" over the presents. To the left (where you can't see) is a bird cage for the greeting cards. What a great idea!


What's that, a special filter? No. It's a smudge apparently. I took some lovely pictures of the cake too, all warm and glow-y. And finally I was all.. what the h? Why is it so weird. Ummm, clean it off, dope.

So today I still feel incredibly sick. Apparently it's the period from hell. Lots of times I get off pretty scott free, so I really shouldn't complain. But today I'm cramping and really sick to my stomach and just generally yucky.

So the dinner for the aunt is going to be pasta. As easy as I could get and still taste yummy.

I ran to Dad's and did laundry and we had cold cereal for breakie. It was all I thought I could get down. I was probably right. And now I'm doing laundry at home. There are piles and piles of it. Ok, maybe not piles and piles but it is, indeed, time to do the laundry.

I am going to attempt to remove Five (5) items from my closet to donate to charity. I am going to attempt to do this every week until I've completely gone through my closet and have room to put the stuff that I'm *actually* wearing in there.

Screw attempt. I am going to. Right now. Here I go grab some items that definitely can be donated. Is five too many to start with? Should I go with three? Well, I don't know but for this week, today, the number is FIVE. Go to it girl!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Goals? HA!

Wow! I took a couple of days off. Yeah, but no.

Let's see. I last wrote on Wednesday. I did *not* complete my goals, my intentions, as they were. And I really had hopes that I could. I felt they were realistic goals. Although, truth be told, I didn't think I'd finish up the "clean up back office" bit.
I did think that I'd take a walk. And I thought it would be super good for me to do so. Also - the weather has been unpredictable, but it's finally cooled down in our part of the desert, so I had high hopes for this one. But when we got out to the wee trailer, the do-it-himself dude was still there. We talked for a long time. I need to price fencing. Another thing on the to-do list!

I woke up approx. 2 hours after I fell asleep on Wednesday night. Panicked. All the things came rushing to me. I have spent a month not working, what with the vacation/trip and then last week all lackadaisical. (great word, right?) So bam! bam! bam! You need to do this, you forgot to do this, Oh My Gawd that deadline is coming up! AAAAAHHHHH! So yeah, not a good night.

Thursday began and I was rushing, rushing to do stuff. Made a list of 11 or 12 items, crossed off 7. Not the best, but certainly better than most of my track record.

Thursday night was a terrible one. Dad got diarrhea and made a mess of himself and walked it through the house. This is, fortunately, unusual for dad. But it can happen to anybody. So I spent an hour and a half cleaning, scrubbing, cloroxing. I was feeling resentful. And sickened by it, of course. But he kept saying, "Well, I guess I should get up and start cleaning." Yeah, he never did. I swear he is lazy. But if I were sick, I bet that I'd like someone else to clean up my poo, too. So I suppose I can't really blame him. But I have the feeling that I wouldn't let them do it. I would be too ashamed and embarrassed. Hopefully, we won't find out. Knock wood. And he wasn't even saying "thank you." In my head I was saying, "you're welcome." I was feeling very bitter. As I was leaving and out the door, he finally did say thank you. I was glad.

But it was too late. I was already upset. Like really, really upset. I cried all the way home. Big, terrible sobs. And loud. I hate it.

Why, all of a sudden, do I have this terrible, ugly cry? Why can't I be dignified and silent and have the single, meaningful, soulful tear? No. I have crazy, keening, wailing, heaving sobs. It sounds crazy and ugly. *I* sound crazy. And morose. Those sounds are coming out of me and it makes me feel - defective somehow. It isn't constant. It takes a lot of energy and besides I recoil at the sound and force myself to stop. But then I lose control and it starts to slip out again. I only let myself do it when I'm alone. It would be too humiliating if someone should hear.

So yeah. It was a terrible night.

I think that I was so upset because Mom was sick often. She had every kind of ailment. Listing her medications for each doctor visit was a chore. Even with a list made out, we had to change it often. She often had gastric upsets and accidents, number 1 and number 2. I never cleaned up for her. Strictly speaking, that is untrue. I did clean - not a lot - but as we lived together this last tax season, I did clean.

You know what though? That totally doesn't count. That was cleaning for me. That was me being grossed out and cleaning for me. For my well being.

I never cleaned for her. I'm sure I had many opportunities or would have, but she cleaned up after herself. Or she tried to. I loved her so much and I was never helpful or caring when she needed it. And now I'm stuck doing it for my father, my emotionally distant, silent father.

I can't seem to get a grip on what is happening to me. I'm slipping. My hold is deteriorating. I called and made an appointment to see the doctor on Monday. I don't know that it will help. I'm fairly certain it won't help. I don't know what drugs besides prozac come in generic form. And it kind of needs to be generic since this is all coming out of my pocket.

In related news, I started my period. This could be a huge contributor to the melt down I'm having. Of course, I started on Saturday and I did not have that knowledge on Thursday night as I did my insane wailing.
____________

On Friday we had our first ever Old Fashioned Board Game Party. On Saturday, I had the second only hangover of my life. I don't get hangovers. Ever. I've had one. ONE in all my years of drinking. On my birthday this year, I tested the limits of over-indulgence. I drank and drank and drank. A lot. One helluva lot. Woke up energized. Last night, cheap wine did it. One helluva lot of cheap wine, but cheap wine. I was soo sick last night. I crawled into the shower with my clothes on. At some point I woke up enough to vomit my guts up. A couple of times. I only crawled out of the shower when I was so cold that I was wracked with chills, shuddering in my coldness.

End of the night (and subsequent gross day) aside, the first ever Old Fashioned Board Game Party was a huge success. If I do say so myself. :) G and Mc were here. M and A, of course. And R and wife. Heee. I'm gonna call them a combined Raimi. That was seven of us and we played Talkin' Tango. Super fun! (Meanwhile, I'm getting hammered on cheap box wine.)
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Friday I also met with the property manager for my parents' rental. It doesn't look too bad, but as it was my home for so long, it was difficult to see it different and then discuss changing things to make it look better and get it rented. It needs to be rented. A shit-ton of money it's going to cost - needs new roof, new exterior paint, cosmetic touches and landscaping to make it look decent. He suggested a paint scheme that I find appalling. It won't look bad and probably will be more appealing to many people, but the colors are too dark for my taste -- and too bland. (Brown, tan and more brown. UGH!)

I discussed with him the problem of the other property. The property that has a distant family living in it that has not paid rent. Ever. And it has been years. We've asked him to pay rent and he agrees and then never does. We never kick him out because he is sick. Mom said he has aids. I don't know if this is true but I have no reason to believe that it isn't. He doesn't work. I've asked him to contact me. He doesn't. I'm letting the prop manager handle it now. It is very distressing to me. That house needs repairs but mom never put any money into it because we weren't getting money out. I asked the prop mgr to keep the rent low. $350 is what we agreed on. I really hope it's the right thing. Something had to be done.

Wait! What's that? Oh, guilt. Welcome home. I haven't felt you in minutes.
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What do you think? Time to replace a light fixture? Yeah. That's what I was thinking too. Time for a little updating. Not too much, just enough for my credit cards to zing.

After the prop mgr, Mc and I went light hunting. There are So Many! And I like such a wide array! I don't know how I want to represent, ya know? I seem to like modern retro. Because that's the style in my tv room, I suspect. And I can see stuff going with that. But that's one small room. The rest of the house is Not like that. And who cares anyway? Shit doesn't have to match, right? I just feel like I need to love it. Looooove it. It's going to be around for awhile, ya know? I believe that one above came with the house original. That's 1962, baby. Hopefully the new one will last that long.
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Well that's about it for updating. Sunday's are busy and I know I'm gonna be running around like an idiot. That's my usual. Sister said she'd make the desert. Guess that means she's coming. That's ok. It really is, disbelievers.

I really hope I start to feel better (I am recovering still from the hangover too) - but mentally, is what I mean. I'm feeling terrible and small and horrible and hurting. I keep telling myself that it isn't real and that it will pass. I hope so. I don't want to slip away again into nothingness. That isn't living. And I want to live.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Eye twitch

Eye twitch, really? Is it stress? Is it just some mutant form of punishment that screams - "Look at her: she's not normal!"? Because it sure makes me *feel* abnormal.

I don't have a lot to say this morning. I was kinda thinking this might be the day that I gave up sugar. I'm here to tell you, this ain't that day.

But I do have lots of work to do and a client coming in so I should be fairly busy. Plus, we get to go to our little trailer in the middle of nowhere, where the electricity is supposedly going to be working.

Will it? It's a mystery. Every body loves a mystery, don't they?

Goal(s) for the day:
+Clean out that back office (in D) and make room to move the front cabinets.
+Go for an actual walk this evening. That would be lovely.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

-Electricity. E-lec-tri city

So. Hi! My daily wrap up is gonna come early because guess who doesn't have electricity at her abode today? That would be me. Did you guess me? Cause you are soo smart!

I have NOT made a list of things I want. That list is supposed to help push me in the right direction. Although, I suspect that there will really only be a couple of things on that list.

-Stuff like:
***Get healthy -- be thin.
***Travel more.
***Spend time with family and friends.
***Get a sex life. (whoops! tmi?)
***Enjoy self more -- stop stressing little things.

Huh. That wasn't so hard. I think that is my list, honestly.
The "sex life" thing would have to be in the confines of a loving relationship, but still. It's a goal, right? OOOH. I just realized I put "enjoy self more" under "sex life." I guess that's one way to go about it. Heeee.

------

We are staying in the motel again tonight. So I'm off to buy shampoo because Imma not gonna go to our back-woods hovel just to pick up shampoo. Spending spree it is!
Also: I was going to make dinner tonight. I guess we'll have to eat out again. Oh, darn! (Actually, a simple meal was sounding good to me. Oh, well.)

I am trying

But is "I am trying" a cop out? Because seriously, I really am.

I'm trying to construct a life - a different life. Not crazy different. But one filled with joy and love and happiness and friends and loved ones and good times. I know, I know that it won't always be joy or love or good times. But life just marches on. It doesn't care if you spent the last few days or months all alone or with good friends. It doesn't differentiate between time spent crying or time spent laughing. It just keeps moving on. And one day, you wake up and you're 40 or 60 or 80. And then what?

Will you have lovely memories, pictures in a book? Or will it be that your memories are of this tv show or that movie. Will it be that there is no one around to hear you laugh at a silly joke or reach out their hand for comfort?

I want a full life. One with all of it: pictures and memories (and even a few tv shows and movies), friends and family, and complicated joy and surprises.

I remember sitting in an urgent care with a broken hand and crying. Seemed like I had just gotten my life on track and I was exercising and eating well - and then on vacation (an extended weekend, really) I broke my hand. How was I going to exercise with a broken hand? And to try to soothe myself I told myself, "If you live Big, Big things happen. If you live small, small things happen." I kept repeating it.

To me: Big things might be bad, but they can also be wonderful. A new baby, a new car, a broken hand, a dream vacation.

Small things don't really matter much in the scheme of things. Find a dollar on the street, nice. Drop your favorite coffee mug and it shatters, bummer. Not too great; not too upsetting either.

With that philosophy: I've been trying to build this life. I've taken on many a new task. And I feel overwhelmed at times.

I'm making a family dinner for my aunt who is very sick. I hope she gets better, but I want to spend time with her and I want to bring her love and ease the burden some, if I can. I've been doing a lot for my dad. Because it needs to be done but also because the thought of him alone all day makes me cry. I'm trying to reach out to my cousins who I don't really know that well. I'm trying to reconnect with friends that are really more of acquaintances but have potential to be so much more.

These things are enjoyable, if stressful for me. Less stress=not doing much. So do more! And have more stress. It's ok.

Recently I've felt a very good friend pull away from me. I hope it isn't the life I've choosing for myself. I also don't want it to be that she's having a seriously hard time right now. Our emails are weird and feel strained to me. She's admitted that she's pulling back from all her relationships. I want to be right there waiting for this time to pass for her. I hope it does quickly, because I miss my friend.

We are all entitled to space but too much space can be detrimental. And I will wait. I will endeavor to learn patience. It's something I'm certainly not good at.
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Then there's the entire other side of life: living. The physical side, the concrete side of life. This body of mine -
I often feel betrayed by my body. But the truth is I'm the one putting the crap in. It's not its fault if it has to say, "No more!"

I need to work on the physical because it really does affect the emotional and the spiritual for me. And I haven't been trying on that. Well, sometimes I do. Trying to get off (and stay off) of sugar really does take a lot for me. I need to try again, and try again, and try again. I was gonna yesterday. But that Really Didn't Happen. I'll try again, real soon. I promise.
_____________

Goal for today:

Make a list of wants - even if it means listing the do not wants first.

Monday, September 12, 2011

I guess I could change it

I just noticed that blogger puts the time that you *started* writing the post, not the time you finished writing the post and hit "publish post." Because it is now after 10:30 pm and I just finished that post. I have NOOO idea why it reads that I posted at 9:30 and I wish it were only 9:30 and will you come clean my kitchen?

Health Insurance, lack of

Ummm. I don't know if I mentioned - BUT I DO NOT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE. America! We! Need! Universal! Health! Care! Get your heads out of your asses!

This is a recent event in my life - I have exhausted my cobra benefits that were costing me $638 a month. Actually, my mom was paying for that. And before her death we discussed her Not paying for that And me taking a pay cut. I had been worried that my pay would be affected come May 1. But later she told me she'd pay me through June and then we'd cut my pay. My cobra was due to expire in July - so I rationalized that she would have given me one extra month. So I took it. And starting in August 1, I no longer had health coverage but I also took a pay cut. I'm getting used to it.

I am deeply concerned about my mental health and I do not know how to get it taken care of. So, I am playing the waiting game. Part of the President's health care package that has already gone into effect is the pre-existing condition pool. You can get health care - at a reasonable price (to me) - if you have been denied health insurance. Kicker is: you have to be with OUT insurance for six months. So, one month down, five more to go.

Daily wrap up:

I Did:

  • get up

  • go to the grocery

  • make Dad breakie (cereal, but still)

  • get my garbage disposal fixed

  • go to the evil of evilest stores - and buy a mass of stuff (so no credit on this one)

  • take the girls with me to Dad's
I will still:

  • clean up kitchen
Ok. It seriously is going to be forever before I can go to bed - so I'm signing off.

And it's Monday again.

I stayed up pretty late with Mc playing games and then I was still working on my laundry. So I slept in this morning a bit.

And then, Go!
I had to rush around getting ready and go to the grocery so I could make dad breakfast.

I wanted to take the girls and this probably wasn't the best idea, but I did take them. And my extra pair of keys and left them in the car with the engine running in the shade pretty far out in the parking lot at the grocery. It's too hot to leave them in the car with out the a/c running. So that's what I did. It is probably one of the stupidest things I've done in recent history. It all worked out, however. My car was not stolen. My girls were not stolen. So we're fine.

We went to Dad's and I asked Dad what he wanted for breakie and he decided cereal. Ok with me! I didn't think I could stomach eggs anyway. I watered some and cleaned some and started a load of laundry.

Came back just in time for my friend/workman to arrive and we traipsed off to Home Depot. We got the garbage disposal, looked at lights, ceiling fans, and got completely confused at the water filters. I really need to replace the filters on my water thingee.

So here I am. - He decided that he should re-wire the whatchamacallit under the sink (!?!?) and so he's gone for a minute back to the store. This is gonna cost me.

I need to quiet those fears and just trust that he knows what he's doing and is doing the best job for me and for the most economical outcome. Amen. (You know, I just looked up that word because it seemed it had a little religious connotation and I didn't really want that so I was looking in the thesaurus and the definition is "so be it." That's really nice. I didn't know that at the end of a prayer we are all saying "so be it" or as Jean Luc Picard would say, "make it so." Another one I could use would be "just so." I like that one too.)

My plan to day was a simple one. Make breakie for Dad. Get garbage disposal fixed. Work on stuff. It's just all the other stuff to get to that planned for stuff that takes some time.

I hope everyone's Monday is as painless as possible. Let's hope we don't get distracted by the "other" stuff, the pre-stuff, and we get to do what we really intended to do today. That will be good. Let's not get distracted from what is important. Can I get an "amen"?

Late Sunday/Really Early Monday


So the List for Today was:

  • Get a pedicure with friends. Check Mark.
  • Go to the grocery. Check Mark.
  • Make dinner, transport everything to aunt's. Have dinner. Clean up, transport everything back. Clean up. Check Mark. (Mostly.)
  • Do laundry. Check Mark. -That's why I'm still up.
  • Work on clothes sitch in room. Yeah. NO check for me.
  • Clean bedding. Check Mark. -It's in the dryer Right Now!
Mostly, I think these items (except for dinner with my aunt - well, maybe that too) was to try to make me feel better. I've been so shaky and sad these last few days.
I was wondering if I should try to tough out the 6 months no insurance (5 more to go) or do the HIPAA thing - no break in your insurance and pay outrageous premiums but they can't say no - and they cover everything. But then I actually thought about it. Last time I did that - it was when I ran out of Cobra before. I was paying $932 a month premium. And that was 5 years ago. It will be way over a thousand (American!) now. I cannot do that. No matter how you look at it, I cannot do that.

So, I am going to have to muddle through. That means hunkering down and really not letting this thing overpower me and win.

Today started out v rough. I was crying almost entire way to pedicure place. But spent some good time with laurel and then M and I went to lunch. Quality time.
Aaaaannnd then I rushed around like an idiot having to do all the things for the dinner tonight.
Then had nice discussions around dinner table (kitchen counter, as it were). And Mc and I played some board games until quite late tonight. (One Bummer! I broke (as in completely shattered.. we'll still be finding glass several years from now) the lid to the corning wear.)
But I'm feeling hopeful or at least not terrible so I'm going to go with it and think today was a pretty good day.

Also: my weird enchilada casserole was interesting and edible and yummy overall. Everything else was tasty too (even if I did burn the Spanish rice).

I hope everybody out there was able to feel some peace on this particular day. It was a sad day to be sure, but also a day to see how resilient we are. As Simon Pegg tweeted today: Good Morning. Peace and Love. I hope we have peace and love. I wish you peace and love. We could all use some of that.
-

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Sunday. Always a busy day.

I should be outta here by now. But I'm not. And it's kind of on purpose, but something I think that's totally going to backfire. -I'm meeting M and her friend laurel (by the way, I don't think I've mentioned this - but NONE of these names are real - except for Sister and Dad. Everyone else has been abbreviated to protect the (not so) innocent) to go get a pedicure.
I know, right? You wish you had *my* problems. Well, honestly, I can't afford it - but was all.. that's what credit is for, right?
We're supposed to meet at 11, but M is always (AND I MEAN ALWAYS) late.
M. is. Always. Late.
And I was hoping that if I arrive a little late, not too much, just a little, I might not have the stupid guy that has done my feet the last two times I've been there. It's a plan. It probably won't help. And I feel sad and like crud so I don't really want to go. But maybe getting out of the house and doing what is bad for me financially might be good for me mentally? What say you?
Anyway. That's my plan. I live the farthest away and if I left now (I live at least 20 away) I'd still be the first one to arrive. Probably.

I am going to leave Dad on his own to fend for himself this morning. Not the best idea, considering he'll probably go get donuts. BTW: he's a diabetic. But I'll see him this evening as it is SUNDAY.

Ready for the rundown?
  • Get a pedicure.
  • Go to the grocery.
  • Make dinner, transport everything to aunt's. Have dinner. Clean up, transport everything back. Clean up.
  • Do laundry.
  • Work on clothes sitch in room. (everything's jumbled, worse than usual, from the trip).
  • Clean bedding.
Ok, go!