Friday, September 30, 2011


That is a picture promo from the movie Bridesmaids. It took me a long time to find it and then place it here.
I was writing the "What the H?" post and I wanted this picture in that post. And it took forever to find a good one and then to figure out how to get it to load and meanwhile Mc came in and started talking to me and - I Forgot Completely What I Was Going For. I couldn't remember. What did the picture of Bridesmaids have to do with anything?
Blink. Blink.
A week later, I remembered! ? Senile so early? Yes, yes I have that. Senility.
Anyway. When Annie is trying to make nice with Helen, they go and play some tennis. Annie remarks that Lillian doesn't like competition and, therefore, doesn't like tennis/sports. Helen responds with something like, well she must have changed. And then it went back and forth. People can change. People stay the same. People can change who they are. People can change a little bit on the outside, but mostly stay the same deep down.
So that was my question: do people change? Do they have the capacity to fundamentally change who they are?
Do we stay the same deep down? Probably. Is this a problem? Maybe. I will always crave sugar and high fat foods. Cheesecake, good cheesecake will always haunt my dreams (probably. unfortunately.). Can I lose weight and keep it off and live a healthy lifestyle?
And it's also more than that. Can I change the things that are a part of what makes me who I am but I dislike?

What if the answer is "no"? If it is, why bother trying?
The diet industry, for example, tells us we can change - but every year the same people are spending A LOT to try the newest diet aid, fad or exercise gadget. And when I write a lot, I mean a lot: 40 Billion Dollars American every year. So the diet industry is saying we can but knows that we really aren't. We're desperate and we're staying desperate.
And desperate we are. reads that the meaning of desperate is reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency. Ever seen someone with SlimFast in their grocery cart? Ever known someone staying up late at night ordering the newest ab-building, waist-handled exercise video? Reckless with their money and full of urgent despair. Whoops! Sorry, that was me I was describing.

My question is really is: Can I change? Can I make my life into something I want, something that ultimately advances happiness or am I doomed to wallowing and to thinking, "what if?"

I don't think it's fair to live my life that way. Life isn't fair. Is that the end of the story?

I don't think so. Change is hard. Change, for me, can be petrifying. -Again with the definition- to be so afraid you can't move or think. That's what can happen for me. I get so scared that I stop moving forward - and maybe start moving backward- messing up months of progress in a single weekend or low point.
Also, I get easily distracted. Look! Something shiny!

So here I go again. It is day three of No Sugar. I went to Trader Joe's, picked up the non-sugar bread plus another kind I am hoping my father will enjoy.

I'm putting my money, my life actually, on the idea that I *can* change. That I can be more the person I want and fundamentally change deep down.
I want to be the person who looks happy from the outside and who actually is on the inside.
I want to be smart and funny and read great novels.
I want to go to the theater and the ballet and be fabulous.
I want to sit in a chair with arms and be comfortable. Maybe even put my purse next to me.
I want to know that I am truly loved. I want to feel that feeling.
I want to like what I see in the mirror.
I want to feel healthy and strong. -Mentally and physically.
I want to be confident and kind.
I want to travel and have lots of (good) friends.
I want Love.
On this day I will work towards those wants. On this day, I will struggle to be more the person I want. I want to be a good person but I also want to be a good person who is happy.
I wish us happiness and love. And I'm gonna start fighting for it. This is me - and I'm taking a stand. It begins now. (Shit, I'm scared!)

*BTW: If you haven't seen Bridesmaids, go see it. Go now.*

Thursday, September 29, 2011

September 2011

I made it through a day of no sugar!

It's really quite difficult.

For example - there are no breads offered at Wal-mart that do Not have sugar in them. As a matter of fact, it has gotten so bad that sugar is now the third ingredient in most (probably more than 90%) of the brands/kinds of bread. And these were the "whole" grain or wheat kinds. The kinds that are supposed to be healthy! A couple of the types had sugar or high fructose corn syrup as the second ingredient! Ummm.. what??

I ended up purchasing the bread that had sugar listed farthest down on the list - and then I did Not have a sandwich as planned, just a salad. I did have a helluva lot of cheese. So much Fat! Oh, well. One thing at a time, I suppose.

I seriously almost caved late last night as the chocolate chip cookies were staring at me. But my laziness prevailed and I did not eat them. I think. I had a dream that I did - but I'm pretty sure it was a dream as the cookies were not moved or disturbed from their place.

I have a terrible feeling today. Ever heard of a sinking feeling? Well, that's what I've got.

Also: I still have to report that anytime someone says my mother's name, I break inside. Mostly it's my dad mentioning this or that about her, what she did or what she didn't like. It kills me and I ache.

Another thing that sets me off - beyond consolation is grandmother stuff. The thought of my kids never meeting her just rips me up, tears me into little shreds and I splinter and catch on fire as the lava flows into my lungs.

Yeah, this is so much fun, right?

So enough of that!

What can I post that would be better? I should mention the above is completely absurd as I don't have kids and at this point, I may never have them. Yeah. That wasn't cheery. We'll move on.

I should probably point out that a really cool thing is happening. Not around here - but hopefully it will make its way all the way across this country. Next stop the world!

Occupy Wall Street

It's wicked cool and I wish I were there to support them. Actually - to support us. It's for me too. I'm certainly not in the 1%. That being the wealthiest of the wealthy. The top 1% own more than 40% of the worlds wealth.

Now, that being said, I am one of those people who do want to have the wealth redistributed. I believe that we should all be able to live and not have to go hungry or live in the elements. I am Not a Robin Hood type that wants to steal from the rich and give to the poor.

I think people who are wealthy should be able to enjoy it. They should be able to have a nice house (crazy big, with gold plated crapper) and a nice car or two, if they want it. I do NOT believe that they should have more than they or their children or their children's children could possibly spend in a lifetime.

It's ok (IMHO) for people to be successful and to make a buck. I'm just saying that we all should be able to make a living wage. Accumulation of wealth is nice - but there are other people who may need your help. Helping them will not diminish you. Something to think about.

I wasn't trying to preach, I was just trying to give my opinion. Make a buck, take care of you and yours, and then give back. It's a cycle that would serve everyone well.

It's the end of September and I haven't anything to show for it. I did have a really nice time going cross country and I hope to get to repeat that sometime soon.
Work is so busy and I can't seem to concentrate. I'd better get my act in gear.

So far today, I haven't had any sugar and have done some work. Not a lot, but some. Ok. Got to get on the ball. I have a client coming in in about a half an hour.

So much to do!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


This is just because he's pretty and pretty damn likeable.

I should give credit to the TV addict dot com for this picture. It's on there though.

I wish you Love

This morning while getting ready and the myriad of things was tumbling through my mind, I started thinking about Nathan Fillion. Who, let's face it, is wonderful. And I was thinking about a tweet he sent out yesterday in support of his past castmate from Firefly, Dr. Simon Tam, or in the real world - Sean Maher!

Sean Maher just came out of the closet in a spectacular interview. In it he expressed regret that he never told his Firefly castmates because he felt, even now, that they were like family. There were a flurry of tweets, this way and that, all supporting him. I did not know any of this because I did not "follow" anyone besides Mr. Fillion. I read the tweet from Fillion to Maher and it read essentially that it is sad for anyone to be suffering because of who they are and we loved you then and we love you now.

Wow. Nice, right? I replied to both of them that they were class acts. Not the best response to be sure, but there you go.

So this morning I was thinking about Fillion and Maher and how Maher was happy and a dad and in a long-term relationship. And I thought, I wish them Love. My next thought was, "That's all I ever wish for people: Love."

And it's true. I wish it, with all my heart, in all its fragments. I wish them, everyone of them, everyone of you, Love.

And I wish it for myself.

And so, if I wish it for myself, why do I not strive for it? What does it mean for me to have Love in my life? What would it take for me to have Love in my life? Why am I not giving myself love? (Big L and small l.)

And so here we go again folks.

I am striving yet again to treat myself better. To treat myself with Love/love.

No more sugar.
Exercise, with care.
Take care of outside, take care of in.
Treat self as precious -- as if a mother holding her first babe.

This is day one.
And already I forget. But I try, try.

Let's be forgiving, shall we?

Let's endeavor for Love, aim for it, manuever towards it, focus on nothing but it.


I wish it for all of us.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Do I get credit?

It's Sunday afternoon and right on schedule, I'm late again. I just stuck the roast in the slow cooker, so that's got to be an oxymoron, right?

Sundays are usually very busy because I get up a little later than normal and then go to my dad's to get him breakfast or to go out to breakfast (lately) and then go to the grocery and then prepare dinner for my aunt, dad and sister, if she decides to come. (I think that's the definition of a run-on sentence.) Anyway, it always takes forever because I don't know what I'm going to fix and so I wander around the grocery store for ingredients that should probably consist of staples and, therefore, I should have on hand but never do.

I try to get some laundry done because I don't/can't do laundry during the week because I'm on a special 9-9 plan with the power company to try to control costs. -Which should not really be a big deal because my current roommate (Mc) doesn't exactly keep normal hours, so he could, in theory, do his laundry during the week after 9 pm when I'm not even home. He does not. And so most weeks when I come home there is tons of laundry piled up guy-fashion in the machine so that I am unable to start mine. But he's normally cleared out by Sunday and so I begin.

Back to the Sunday conundrum. I, apparently, am trying to be a domestic goddess. And, truthfully, I don't understand why it's so difficult. It doesn't sound difficult. I used to make dinner all the time when I was "on program." (When I was eating a nutritionist-designed meal plan and creating healthy, yummy dinners for me and my roommate at the time, M.) And so it didn't used to be difficult, but let me tell you, it *really* is.

So I spend my day running here and there and shopping and cleaning and doing laundry and preparing food and packing and unpacking and cleaning over at my aunt's and cleaning over at my dad's.

This, by the way, is not for which I was asking the question about credit. That is a completely unrelated issue. After a short discussion with my father, we have decided to put the family business - the franchise really- up for sale. This FREAKS ME OUT. I don't know that this is my choice. But, I believe that if we put it up for sale and some one buys it - we get something out of it. I believe that if we do Not put it for sale and we decide to close, we get nothing. Nothing. I think the franchise just reverts back to the parent company. -- SO. I was going to call a trusted person and ask his opinion and ask if this line of thinking was correct. Because he's in the business. Oh, and by the way, I used to be totally, completely, fucking-insane in love with this man. So. I dialed the number - and felt completely ill. Just sick. But I pushed send anyway. The number says it is out of service. Not like - "it's broken and we'll fix it" out of service but "they don't have this phone anymore" out of service. But I don't know. I don't know if it's been temporarily turned off as that's the feeling the recording gave me or he quit his job and quit this phone six months ago.

That's what I think I should get credit for. I freakin' called someone I probably want to call but shouldn't call but really need to call. Like a grown up. And it wasn't *my* fault he didn't answer. I put the effort in. I want the credit. That's all I'm saying. Also. I called the number from two different phones, just to be sure.

Ok, I know you're waiting for it. The report on how my geekyNess went down. A and I did meet up with a very charming and polite man. (Although I must confess that his name reminds me of a serial killer's name - Or- Valdemort's real name. Oh! And he's British, so you know, there is that.)

He is married and his wife enjoys Fantasy/Sci-Fi and gaming as much as he does, apparently. Although, she was unable to come as she was in Italy. Oh, darn.

A and I drove to his house. I was particularly harried and concerned because I was running late and I hate, hate, hate being late. But we got there safe and sound and traveled to the Tucsons and went to the historic Fox Theatre and watched Serenity. And it was super-fun.

I especially enjoyed the Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. You could hear members of the audience singing the songs. It made me happy. The ending of Dr. Horrible always upsets me a little because I Always (ALWAYS) want a happy ending. I don't care how contrived the story has to be to get there, I just want puppies and rainbows ALL OF THE TIME. Yes. I *am* the target American audience. It's true.

A and I had a couple of drinks at the hotel lounge and then went back to the room and settled in and watched part of The Bourne Supremacy before nodding off.

A and I got up a little early, got ourselves set and had breakfast. We were completely ready, checked out and waiting for MWrit when he arrived. He's a super interesting guy who has among his hobbies taiko and amber gaming. Parts of this sound interesting to me. Parts sound hideously boring. I'll leave it to you to form your own opinion.

After leaving MWrit's home, A and I came the final trek home. We discussed things. I want to travel- pretty badly. And of all my friends, he seems the most likely well suited for such endeavors. However, he never has - so this could be complete conjecture. Problem is - isn't this the same problem we all have? - Finances. So, if he's really serious about going - he just needs to put money aside. That's all any of us has to do, really. Really. If you want A bad enough, you forgo B. Unless of course, B is eating, rent, gas money. Which, sometimes, it really, really is. I get that. I really do.

This afternoon, I sent A the link to the state department's website for first time passport applicants. I hope this works.

Oh! Going back a bit. Joss Whedon had a little intro clip about the fans of Serenity and what kind of good the fans are doing in the world - and what it means to be a feminist. Gawd Bless Joss Whedon. I'm just saying. Love that man. Crushed, crushed that he is married. Well, not really, but damn! she got a good guy!

So I'll put a little picture of the ceiling of the Fox Theatre here so that you can see A) what a terrible photographer I am and B) how lovely the ceiling was (although you won't be able to enjoy the light fixture but it was something).

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Saturday Morning - Anyone Feel Like a ROAD Trip?

So. Trying to create this life I want. Trying to spend time with friends and family and make new friends. And do something freaking interesting.

Yeah, here's the thing: You won't find it interesting. Gawd, please let it be interesting. I am (drum roll) going to the Tucson Big Damn Shindig. Yep. You have no idea what that means, do you? Not sure that I do myself. BUT. I am going.

See Joss Whedon had a short-run tv series, Firefly. Fans liked it so much that years later he finally got to make a movie based on the tv series, Serenity. Now, I wasn't on board for the tv show. I remember A telling me about it and how wasn't that cool? And I was all. . . Yeah? But A and I went and saw the movie in the theater and I really did like it. So later I bought the series and watched it.

And then some random guy told me on a bus/shuttle thing about "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" and it sounded HiLarIOus. It is kinda great. Really, it is.

And this year I had the idea to buy A and G tickets to Phoenix ComicCon for their birthdays. (They are just days apart.) And there - among all the stuff - sat the Browncoats.

The Browncoats are fans of the series/movie. And once a year they have Can't Stop The Serenity (CSTS). That means once a year they put the movie in a real theater to see it on the big screen - AND all the proceeds go to charity. And Joss Whedon's favorite charity is Equality Now! Freaking Fabulous, yes? YES! A feminist charity for women (and all females). I could get on board with Joss Whedon!

So, A and I decided to go down and I signed us up to carpool hoping to meet people and bing-bang-boom. We are going to CSTS Tucson!

I am hoping that we end up meeting some people. And maybe make some friends. So far though, we have a maybe on the carpool as no one has signed up to go with us. I reached out to one of the other drivers to see if he wanted to go together and got a big, fat "maybe" from the deal.

Oh, well. I'm sure we will have a good time, I am not sure that we will meet anyone and expand our ever-shrinking horizons. I hope we do. I hope we meet people and make the kind of friends that I so desperately crave.

Here's hoping. Wish me luck!

Friday, September 23, 2011

What the H? It's 10 am already?



I have not been writing but I've been thinking about it a lot. I've been writing posts in my head and reading other people's posts and thinking, "Hey! They said what I'd like to say, but waaay more eloquently than I ever could." And let's be honest, my last couple of posts sucked. Yeah, I said it and you read it. They Sucked.

I've been thinking about what I'd like to say and what kind of theme this blog should have and who I am and who I'd like to be. It seems like a stupid, muddled up thing. I am who I am, right? Yes, but no. I always want to be more. I am never comfortable with where I am now. I am never, ever forgiving of who I am. And we can always change, right?

Can we always change? Because I'm doing a shitty job of changing. I'm still fat, still unhappy, still 40 (Although I'm *totally* not. I will cut you.), still fighting mental illness, still not in a relationship, - wow, this is NOT cheering me up. Point is: I haven't been doing a great job of changing.

I've even stopped my whole "I'm fucking 40 and I don't want to look 80" regime. I haven't been washing my face at night. I haven't been flossing. I haven't been moisturizing or sunscreening or giving a shit. I'm lucky to fucking brush my teeth and wash my hair.

I've been eating ice cream. And M&M's. And pizza. Oh, by the fucking way: Girl, remember how you don't eat Asian food because you fucking throw up? Yeah, stop fucking eating pizza. You throw up, you fucking moron! (Said with love.)

Work is getting out of control. Everything is slipping. The "trying to be a good daughter" shtick is getting real old. And now, being on the meds - I'm not caring so much. They're numbing me out - just a bit - just enough. Just enough to not want to die, but to let everything fall apart, too.

And I'm busy. I'm trying to spend time with friends and family and make more friends and create this life that I want.

How do I make the life I want? How do I stop whining about it?

Do something fucking interesting!

I am so over me right now. Forgive me if I take a break - this is getting ridiculous.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

So Busy at Work. Don't know what I'm doing.

That's comforting, isn't it? I have so many things to do and I am trying to accomplish at least one of them - and I can't seem to figure out how to do the stupid stuff! That's not true. I can figure out how to do it, it's just taking what I feel is an unreasonably long amount of time to do it.

Also: I have too many things to do and I am flitting from one thing to another when the first thing is not complete, but taking too long. I'm a little scattered, to say the least.

I need to make a list of the things that need to be done so that I can at least get a handle on it. At least then I'll know what I'm avoiding. Or attempting to do, whichever motivation is stronger that particular day.

Ok. I am making a list right now. I don't want to do any of these things. On a positive note, I checked the last list I made and there only seems to be two things left on that list, one of which is always, *always* on the list. They, of course, went onto the new list.

Enough talk about boring lists.

I went to the doctor on Monday. It was another particularly bad day. I took half a pill in the afternoon and slept until approximately 6. I got up and called my dad and decided not to go over. I took another 1/2 pill and went to bed.

Tuesday morning with the terrible, long drive - I think I've decided something. I just don't wanna. I think I truly need to start coming down here on Monday afternoons. That Tuesday morning drive is murder. And if I don't work something out, it will be, literally. What if I fall asleep driving? Too terrible to think about.

I've noticed in just the couple of days since I've been on the Seroquel, I'm zoning out. I should let Dad drive, but. . . Honestly, he's not a good driver. It would be close to call whose the worse driver - him or a passed-out me. I just need Not to pass out. I think the books on tape really help with that. I didn't get one this week. I won't make that mistake again.

Coming down here was particularly difficult - well, no. Coming down wasn't. But our arrival. It was achingly painful. It's like trying to learn to breathe underwater - except the water is molten lava. My soul hurts. I think the medicine is helping, if at least to numb me out. It's a small dose - I just have to not loose sight of what it is I want.

Wait, what was it again?

I do. I need to work it out. Find what makes me happy and pursue it with all my might. With all my fight.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Monday Morning Blues.

Except now it is Monday afternoon.

I did go to the doctor. This went quite well. We (he) decided to put me on Seroquel. I was on it some time ago but got panicked and went off of it when was told there was a link between it and diabetes. And as I already have a hard-wiring for diabetes, I figured I didn't need any help getting there.

Only problem with the Seroquel. Freaking Pricey! $200 american, to be exact. This will take some adjusting to the budget, I can tell you.

I was having such a crap day, I attempted to cut it in half and take some early. It didn't cut exactly in half so I took the small half and went to bed -- for most of the afternoon.

You know what?????

Here. Go Here:

FURIOUSLY HAPPY! If you haven't read The Bloggess, what are you waiting for? Go! Go now!
And I'm tired and she's sooo much better than me and you MUST go read her, now!

Oh and she's very funny-- here's one so that you know she's HI Lar I Ous!

Actually! The bottom link is my act of being Furiously Happy! This is me deciding to be FURIOUSLY HAPPY and FUCK! all the bad stuff stirring around in my head.

Also, fuck. You will now go and read her (GOOD! Go!) but you will never come back to read me. Darn! Oh, well. Totally worth it, I guess. No. Totally Worth It! #FURIOUSLYHAPPY

And here is a picture that always makes me smile. I don't know who to give the credit to, but it was on a greeting card. Cutest Face EVAH!

Believe it or not!

I actually did it. What I said I was going to do! I went in my closet and removed 5 items (actually 7) that are ready to donate. One of the two not being donated right now is one I tried on to see if it fit and if I would wear it. Yes to both. So, for now, it stays. The other I think might be a part of a set. I think the top is in the mound of clothes on the chair in my room. I don't want to donate only half of a set. It would be nice if they were together so someone could have an entire outfit.

I also made dinner for my Dad and aunt. Made conversation and cleaned up Aunt's kitchen and then drove Dad home. I came home (and an elf did Not clean up my kitchen in my absence) and I cleaned my kitchen, did the dishes, cleaned out the fridge and took out two bags of trash. (Yuck!)

I also had a semi-breakdown to P!nk's F**kin' Perfect. I know, I know this is going to make me sound old. I know. But the "fuckin'" part of the song seems a little gratuitous. And completely un-fucking-necessary. But the lyrics are beautiful. And I love them. It makes me completely love her.

This is where I would put in a link to the video for it - but I can't seem to get my computer to do anything at all. *Very* interesting. Hmmm.

Oh! And I guess I'm giving up because I took a sleeping pill and it's starting to make me light headed. I should lie down before I fall down.

Let's have a good week! I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow to tell him that I am crazy and that I have no insurance and please, please help me! I'm afraid he might run in the opposite direction. Oh, he's from England. I'm not sure where this fits in - something like, I guess he could hop across the pond to get away from me. Eh? No? Ok. Fail. I am worried though.

Update! Here is the video for P!nk's F**kin' Perfect.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Ready to Rum-ble! It's Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

Well. I've been up. I just sent about a hundred pictures to my aunt who could not make the trip to the wedding we went cross country for because she has cancer and her immune system is nil. But it's her closest sister's first son's wedding. So I tried to take a lot of pictures - but then I had added a Google+ app to my phone and it was constantly trying to upload the pictures - so my battery died really fast. I also tried to send her several that day so she could feel more included. Here is a lovely one that's all blurry. It's still purdy. There were faery lights all in the barn. It was magical. That was the sign that reads "Just Married" over the presents. To the left (where you can't see) is a bird cage for the greeting cards. What a great idea!

What's that, a special filter? No. It's a smudge apparently. I took some lovely pictures of the cake too, all warm and glow-y. And finally I was all.. what the h? Why is it so weird. Ummm, clean it off, dope.

So today I still feel incredibly sick. Apparently it's the period from hell. Lots of times I get off pretty scott free, so I really shouldn't complain. But today I'm cramping and really sick to my stomach and just generally yucky.

So the dinner for the aunt is going to be pasta. As easy as I could get and still taste yummy.

I ran to Dad's and did laundry and we had cold cereal for breakie. It was all I thought I could get down. I was probably right. And now I'm doing laundry at home. There are piles and piles of it. Ok, maybe not piles and piles but it is, indeed, time to do the laundry.

I am going to attempt to remove Five (5) items from my closet to donate to charity. I am going to attempt to do this every week until I've completely gone through my closet and have room to put the stuff that I'm *actually* wearing in there.

Screw attempt. I am going to. Right now. Here I go grab some items that definitely can be donated. Is five too many to start with? Should I go with three? Well, I don't know but for this week, today, the number is FIVE. Go to it girl!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Goals? HA!

Wow! I took a couple of days off. Yeah, but no.

Let's see. I last wrote on Wednesday. I did *not* complete my goals, my intentions, as they were. And I really had hopes that I could. I felt they were realistic goals. Although, truth be told, I didn't think I'd finish up the "clean up back office" bit.
I did think that I'd take a walk. And I thought it would be super good for me to do so. Also - the weather has been unpredictable, but it's finally cooled down in our part of the desert, so I had high hopes for this one. But when we got out to the wee trailer, the do-it-himself dude was still there. We talked for a long time. I need to price fencing. Another thing on the to-do list!

I woke up approx. 2 hours after I fell asleep on Wednesday night. Panicked. All the things came rushing to me. I have spent a month not working, what with the vacation/trip and then last week all lackadaisical. (great word, right?) So bam! bam! bam! You need to do this, you forgot to do this, Oh My Gawd that deadline is coming up! AAAAAHHHHH! So yeah, not a good night.

Thursday began and I was rushing, rushing to do stuff. Made a list of 11 or 12 items, crossed off 7. Not the best, but certainly better than most of my track record.

Thursday night was a terrible one. Dad got diarrhea and made a mess of himself and walked it through the house. This is, fortunately, unusual for dad. But it can happen to anybody. So I spent an hour and a half cleaning, scrubbing, cloroxing. I was feeling resentful. And sickened by it, of course. But he kept saying, "Well, I guess I should get up and start cleaning." Yeah, he never did. I swear he is lazy. But if I were sick, I bet that I'd like someone else to clean up my poo, too. So I suppose I can't really blame him. But I have the feeling that I wouldn't let them do it. I would be too ashamed and embarrassed. Hopefully, we won't find out. Knock wood. And he wasn't even saying "thank you." In my head I was saying, "you're welcome." I was feeling very bitter. As I was leaving and out the door, he finally did say thank you. I was glad.

But it was too late. I was already upset. Like really, really upset. I cried all the way home. Big, terrible sobs. And loud. I hate it.

Why, all of a sudden, do I have this terrible, ugly cry? Why can't I be dignified and silent and have the single, meaningful, soulful tear? No. I have crazy, keening, wailing, heaving sobs. It sounds crazy and ugly. *I* sound crazy. And morose. Those sounds are coming out of me and it makes me feel - defective somehow. It isn't constant. It takes a lot of energy and besides I recoil at the sound and force myself to stop. But then I lose control and it starts to slip out again. I only let myself do it when I'm alone. It would be too humiliating if someone should hear.

So yeah. It was a terrible night.

I think that I was so upset because Mom was sick often. She had every kind of ailment. Listing her medications for each doctor visit was a chore. Even with a list made out, we had to change it often. She often had gastric upsets and accidents, number 1 and number 2. I never cleaned up for her. Strictly speaking, that is untrue. I did clean - not a lot - but as we lived together this last tax season, I did clean.

You know what though? That totally doesn't count. That was cleaning for me. That was me being grossed out and cleaning for me. For my well being.

I never cleaned for her. I'm sure I had many opportunities or would have, but she cleaned up after herself. Or she tried to. I loved her so much and I was never helpful or caring when she needed it. And now I'm stuck doing it for my father, my emotionally distant, silent father.

I can't seem to get a grip on what is happening to me. I'm slipping. My hold is deteriorating. I called and made an appointment to see the doctor on Monday. I don't know that it will help. I'm fairly certain it won't help. I don't know what drugs besides prozac come in generic form. And it kind of needs to be generic since this is all coming out of my pocket.

In related news, I started my period. This could be a huge contributor to the melt down I'm having. Of course, I started on Saturday and I did not have that knowledge on Thursday night as I did my insane wailing.

On Friday we had our first ever Old Fashioned Board Game Party. On Saturday, I had the second only hangover of my life. I don't get hangovers. Ever. I've had one. ONE in all my years of drinking. On my birthday this year, I tested the limits of over-indulgence. I drank and drank and drank. A lot. One helluva lot. Woke up energized. Last night, cheap wine did it. One helluva lot of cheap wine, but cheap wine. I was soo sick last night. I crawled into the shower with my clothes on. At some point I woke up enough to vomit my guts up. A couple of times. I only crawled out of the shower when I was so cold that I was wracked with chills, shuddering in my coldness.

End of the night (and subsequent gross day) aside, the first ever Old Fashioned Board Game Party was a huge success. If I do say so myself. :) G and Mc were here. M and A, of course. And R and wife. Heee. I'm gonna call them a combined Raimi. That was seven of us and we played Talkin' Tango. Super fun! (Meanwhile, I'm getting hammered on cheap box wine.)

Friday I also met with the property manager for my parents' rental. It doesn't look too bad, but as it was my home for so long, it was difficult to see it different and then discuss changing things to make it look better and get it rented. It needs to be rented. A shit-ton of money it's going to cost - needs new roof, new exterior paint, cosmetic touches and landscaping to make it look decent. He suggested a paint scheme that I find appalling. It won't look bad and probably will be more appealing to many people, but the colors are too dark for my taste -- and too bland. (Brown, tan and more brown. UGH!)

I discussed with him the problem of the other property. The property that has a distant family living in it that has not paid rent. Ever. And it has been years. We've asked him to pay rent and he agrees and then never does. We never kick him out because he is sick. Mom said he has aids. I don't know if this is true but I have no reason to believe that it isn't. He doesn't work. I've asked him to contact me. He doesn't. I'm letting the prop manager handle it now. It is very distressing to me. That house needs repairs but mom never put any money into it because we weren't getting money out. I asked the prop mgr to keep the rent low. $350 is what we agreed on. I really hope it's the right thing. Something had to be done.

Wait! What's that? Oh, guilt. Welcome home. I haven't felt you in minutes.

What do you think? Time to replace a light fixture? Yeah. That's what I was thinking too. Time for a little updating. Not too much, just enough for my credit cards to zing.

After the prop mgr, Mc and I went light hunting. There are So Many! And I like such a wide array! I don't know how I want to represent, ya know? I seem to like modern retro. Because that's the style in my tv room, I suspect. And I can see stuff going with that. But that's one small room. The rest of the house is Not like that. And who cares anyway? Shit doesn't have to match, right? I just feel like I need to love it. Looooove it. It's going to be around for awhile, ya know? I believe that one above came with the house original. That's 1962, baby. Hopefully the new one will last that long.

Well that's about it for updating. Sunday's are busy and I know I'm gonna be running around like an idiot. That's my usual. Sister said she'd make the desert. Guess that means she's coming. That's ok. It really is, disbelievers.

I really hope I start to feel better (I am recovering still from the hangover too) - but mentally, is what I mean. I'm feeling terrible and small and horrible and hurting. I keep telling myself that it isn't real and that it will pass. I hope so. I don't want to slip away again into nothingness. That isn't living. And I want to live.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Eye twitch

Eye twitch, really? Is it stress? Is it just some mutant form of punishment that screams - "Look at her: she's not normal!"? Because it sure makes me *feel* abnormal.

I don't have a lot to say this morning. I was kinda thinking this might be the day that I gave up sugar. I'm here to tell you, this ain't that day.

But I do have lots of work to do and a client coming in so I should be fairly busy. Plus, we get to go to our little trailer in the middle of nowhere, where the electricity is supposedly going to be working.

Will it? It's a mystery. Every body loves a mystery, don't they?

Goal(s) for the day:
+Clean out that back office (in D) and make room to move the front cabinets.
+Go for an actual walk this evening. That would be lovely.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

-Electricity. E-lec-tri city

So. Hi! My daily wrap up is gonna come early because guess who doesn't have electricity at her abode today? That would be me. Did you guess me? Cause you are soo smart!

I have NOT made a list of things I want. That list is supposed to help push me in the right direction. Although, I suspect that there will really only be a couple of things on that list.

-Stuff like:
***Get healthy -- be thin.
***Travel more.
***Spend time with family and friends.
***Get a sex life. (whoops! tmi?)
***Enjoy self more -- stop stressing little things.

Huh. That wasn't so hard. I think that is my list, honestly.
The "sex life" thing would have to be in the confines of a loving relationship, but still. It's a goal, right? OOOH. I just realized I put "enjoy self more" under "sex life." I guess that's one way to go about it. Heeee.


We are staying in the motel again tonight. So I'm off to buy shampoo because Imma not gonna go to our back-woods hovel just to pick up shampoo. Spending spree it is!
Also: I was going to make dinner tonight. I guess we'll have to eat out again. Oh, darn! (Actually, a simple meal was sounding good to me. Oh, well.)

I am trying

But is "I am trying" a cop out? Because seriously, I really am.

I'm trying to construct a life - a different life. Not crazy different. But one filled with joy and love and happiness and friends and loved ones and good times. I know, I know that it won't always be joy or love or good times. But life just marches on. It doesn't care if you spent the last few days or months all alone or with good friends. It doesn't differentiate between time spent crying or time spent laughing. It just keeps moving on. And one day, you wake up and you're 40 or 60 or 80. And then what?

Will you have lovely memories, pictures in a book? Or will it be that your memories are of this tv show or that movie. Will it be that there is no one around to hear you laugh at a silly joke or reach out their hand for comfort?

I want a full life. One with all of it: pictures and memories (and even a few tv shows and movies), friends and family, and complicated joy and surprises.

I remember sitting in an urgent care with a broken hand and crying. Seemed like I had just gotten my life on track and I was exercising and eating well - and then on vacation (an extended weekend, really) I broke my hand. How was I going to exercise with a broken hand? And to try to soothe myself I told myself, "If you live Big, Big things happen. If you live small, small things happen." I kept repeating it.

To me: Big things might be bad, but they can also be wonderful. A new baby, a new car, a broken hand, a dream vacation.

Small things don't really matter much in the scheme of things. Find a dollar on the street, nice. Drop your favorite coffee mug and it shatters, bummer. Not too great; not too upsetting either.

With that philosophy: I've been trying to build this life. I've taken on many a new task. And I feel overwhelmed at times.

I'm making a family dinner for my aunt who is very sick. I hope she gets better, but I want to spend time with her and I want to bring her love and ease the burden some, if I can. I've been doing a lot for my dad. Because it needs to be done but also because the thought of him alone all day makes me cry. I'm trying to reach out to my cousins who I don't really know that well. I'm trying to reconnect with friends that are really more of acquaintances but have potential to be so much more.

These things are enjoyable, if stressful for me. Less stress=not doing much. So do more! And have more stress. It's ok.

Recently I've felt a very good friend pull away from me. I hope it isn't the life I've choosing for myself. I also don't want it to be that she's having a seriously hard time right now. Our emails are weird and feel strained to me. She's admitted that she's pulling back from all her relationships. I want to be right there waiting for this time to pass for her. I hope it does quickly, because I miss my friend.

We are all entitled to space but too much space can be detrimental. And I will wait. I will endeavor to learn patience. It's something I'm certainly not good at.

Then there's the entire other side of life: living. The physical side, the concrete side of life. This body of mine -
I often feel betrayed by my body. But the truth is I'm the one putting the crap in. It's not its fault if it has to say, "No more!"

I need to work on the physical because it really does affect the emotional and the spiritual for me. And I haven't been trying on that. Well, sometimes I do. Trying to get off (and stay off) of sugar really does take a lot for me. I need to try again, and try again, and try again. I was gonna yesterday. But that Really Didn't Happen. I'll try again, real soon. I promise.

Goal for today:

Make a list of wants - even if it means listing the do not wants first.

Monday, September 12, 2011

I guess I could change it

I just noticed that blogger puts the time that you *started* writing the post, not the time you finished writing the post and hit "publish post." Because it is now after 10:30 pm and I just finished that post. I have NOOO idea why it reads that I posted at 9:30 and I wish it were only 9:30 and will you come clean my kitchen?

Health Insurance, lack of

Ummm. I don't know if I mentioned - BUT I DO NOT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE. America! We! Need! Universal! Health! Care! Get your heads out of your asses!

This is a recent event in my life - I have exhausted my cobra benefits that were costing me $638 a month. Actually, my mom was paying for that. And before her death we discussed her Not paying for that And me taking a pay cut. I had been worried that my pay would be affected come May 1. But later she told me she'd pay me through June and then we'd cut my pay. My cobra was due to expire in July - so I rationalized that she would have given me one extra month. So I took it. And starting in August 1, I no longer had health coverage but I also took a pay cut. I'm getting used to it.

I am deeply concerned about my mental health and I do not know how to get it taken care of. So, I am playing the waiting game. Part of the President's health care package that has already gone into effect is the pre-existing condition pool. You can get health care - at a reasonable price (to me) - if you have been denied health insurance. Kicker is: you have to be with OUT insurance for six months. So, one month down, five more to go.

Daily wrap up:

I Did:

  • get up

  • go to the grocery

  • make Dad breakie (cereal, but still)

  • get my garbage disposal fixed

  • go to the evil of evilest stores - and buy a mass of stuff (so no credit on this one)

  • take the girls with me to Dad's
I will still:

  • clean up kitchen
Ok. It seriously is going to be forever before I can go to bed - so I'm signing off.

And it's Monday again.

I stayed up pretty late with Mc playing games and then I was still working on my laundry. So I slept in this morning a bit.

And then, Go!
I had to rush around getting ready and go to the grocery so I could make dad breakfast.

I wanted to take the girls and this probably wasn't the best idea, but I did take them. And my extra pair of keys and left them in the car with the engine running in the shade pretty far out in the parking lot at the grocery. It's too hot to leave them in the car with out the a/c running. So that's what I did. It is probably one of the stupidest things I've done in recent history. It all worked out, however. My car was not stolen. My girls were not stolen. So we're fine.

We went to Dad's and I asked Dad what he wanted for breakie and he decided cereal. Ok with me! I didn't think I could stomach eggs anyway. I watered some and cleaned some and started a load of laundry.

Came back just in time for my friend/workman to arrive and we traipsed off to Home Depot. We got the garbage disposal, looked at lights, ceiling fans, and got completely confused at the water filters. I really need to replace the filters on my water thingee.

So here I am. - He decided that he should re-wire the whatchamacallit under the sink (!?!?) and so he's gone for a minute back to the store. This is gonna cost me.

I need to quiet those fears and just trust that he knows what he's doing and is doing the best job for me and for the most economical outcome. Amen. (You know, I just looked up that word because it seemed it had a little religious connotation and I didn't really want that so I was looking in the thesaurus and the definition is "so be it." That's really nice. I didn't know that at the end of a prayer we are all saying "so be it" or as Jean Luc Picard would say, "make it so." Another one I could use would be "just so." I like that one too.)

My plan to day was a simple one. Make breakie for Dad. Get garbage disposal fixed. Work on stuff. It's just all the other stuff to get to that planned for stuff that takes some time.

I hope everyone's Monday is as painless as possible. Let's hope we don't get distracted by the "other" stuff, the pre-stuff, and we get to do what we really intended to do today. That will be good. Let's not get distracted from what is important. Can I get an "amen"?

Late Sunday/Really Early Monday

So the List for Today was:

  • Get a pedicure with friends. Check Mark.
  • Go to the grocery. Check Mark.
  • Make dinner, transport everything to aunt's. Have dinner. Clean up, transport everything back. Clean up. Check Mark. (Mostly.)
  • Do laundry. Check Mark. -That's why I'm still up.
  • Work on clothes sitch in room. Yeah. NO check for me.
  • Clean bedding. Check Mark. -It's in the dryer Right Now!
Mostly, I think these items (except for dinner with my aunt - well, maybe that too) was to try to make me feel better. I've been so shaky and sad these last few days.
I was wondering if I should try to tough out the 6 months no insurance (5 more to go) or do the HIPAA thing - no break in your insurance and pay outrageous premiums but they can't say no - and they cover everything. But then I actually thought about it. Last time I did that - it was when I ran out of Cobra before. I was paying $932 a month premium. And that was 5 years ago. It will be way over a thousand (American!) now. I cannot do that. No matter how you look at it, I cannot do that.

So, I am going to have to muddle through. That means hunkering down and really not letting this thing overpower me and win.

Today started out v rough. I was crying almost entire way to pedicure place. But spent some good time with laurel and then M and I went to lunch. Quality time.
Aaaaannnd then I rushed around like an idiot having to do all the things for the dinner tonight.
Then had nice discussions around dinner table (kitchen counter, as it were). And Mc and I played some board games until quite late tonight. (One Bummer! I broke (as in completely shattered.. we'll still be finding glass several years from now) the lid to the corning wear.)
But I'm feeling hopeful or at least not terrible so I'm going to go with it and think today was a pretty good day.

Also: my weird enchilada casserole was interesting and edible and yummy overall. Everything else was tasty too (even if I did burn the Spanish rice).

I hope everybody out there was able to feel some peace on this particular day. It was a sad day to be sure, but also a day to see how resilient we are. As Simon Pegg tweeted today: Good Morning. Peace and Love. I hope we have peace and love. I wish you peace and love. We could all use some of that.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Sunday. Always a busy day.

I should be outta here by now. But I'm not. And it's kind of on purpose, but something I think that's totally going to backfire. -I'm meeting M and her friend laurel (by the way, I don't think I've mentioned this - but NONE of these names are real - except for Sister and Dad. Everyone else has been abbreviated to protect the (not so) innocent) to go get a pedicure.
I know, right? You wish you had *my* problems. Well, honestly, I can't afford it - but was all.. that's what credit is for, right?
We're supposed to meet at 11, but M is always (AND I MEAN ALWAYS) late.
M. is. Always. Late.
And I was hoping that if I arrive a little late, not too much, just a little, I might not have the stupid guy that has done my feet the last two times I've been there. It's a plan. It probably won't help. And I feel sad and like crud so I don't really want to go. But maybe getting out of the house and doing what is bad for me financially might be good for me mentally? What say you?
Anyway. That's my plan. I live the farthest away and if I left now (I live at least 20 away) I'd still be the first one to arrive. Probably.

I am going to leave Dad on his own to fend for himself this morning. Not the best idea, considering he'll probably go get donuts. BTW: he's a diabetic. But I'll see him this evening as it is SUNDAY.

Ready for the rundown?
  • Get a pedicure.
  • Go to the grocery.
  • Make dinner, transport everything to aunt's. Have dinner. Clean up, transport everything back. Clean up.
  • Do laundry.
  • Work on clothes sitch in room. (everything's jumbled, worse than usual, from the trip).
  • Clean bedding.
Ok, go!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Rough - but ok.

Still not having the best of times, but I was able to go out and have a nice evening - and a Fun evening full of laughs! Went and saw Laughter Against the Machine. Totally fun and totally worth it!

If you are lucky enough to have them come to your city - you should totally check them out.

If you want to read their stuff or something - I found this link. I don't know if there is a better site - mostly I just google. But here anyway:

With completely No Segue: I'm feeling a little schizo. I'm afraid that I might fall down a hole. So far - well. I am ok. And then so Not ok. And then sort of ok. I need to find a way to not - to not sink down.

I don't have any medical insurance. I have 5 more months before I can do the first bit of ObamaCare to pass - the pre-existing condition insurance. I am so, so grateful that that has passed, but having to go six (6) months! without having insurance before it's possible to join their pool is a really long, scary time. Maybe I can get the HIPAA carryover thing - but then they charge you whatever they want - because they have to take you. Probably better to go the 5 more months and just get it over with.

Maybe I'll make it. Maybe going off of sugar will help control my moods - and a little exercise? Another reason to get on program and just do it already!

Right: So did I have a plan for today?
- NOPE, just checked.
I did end up going to the comedy show with one of my cousins (but not her sister) and also A. We had a nice dinner and then fun at the show.
I did have a meal with Dad. We went to - well, brunch. I had lunch stuff and he had breakfast stuff. And it kinda sucked (but didn't). The reason it kinda sucked is because the place we went to has excellent green chile and it is my favorite thing there. I'm currently not eating meat. So I had cheese enchiladas. They were ok - but nothing like the great White Sands that I usually have.

OH MY Gawd! It's a sickness!

Ok, know how I was all.. "I'm addicted to Twitter?" Well, I kind of gave that up, because - well, I don't know. I'm still "using" too much. But addicted? No. NOW - I think I'm addicted to reading new blogs. I noticed the button on the front of Blogger that was all - Blogs of Note. And I clicked. I'm now following oh, I don't know, like 5 blogs. In the space of 2 hours. Plus the one that I had signed up for day before yesterday. Plus the ones I already read. Ummm. You need help, girl. Seriously.

I'm blaming my cross-country trip with no computer for three weeks. Because seriously? do you really, really have time to read all that extra stuff?

Get out - AWAY from your computer!
Umm. You are actually sitting in a dark room looking at a computer screen. Ewww. That's kind of creepy. Get out and do something. ! Now!

Ok. I'm at least going to get some sun. Here. I. go.
Right now. I am getting up and walking away.

Just let me hit "publish" . . .

Seriously! do it!


I stayed up *super* late with Mc watching Netflix movies. (No, I am Not going to provide them with free advertising. Again. Hmmm.) And before that I went to movies with M and A and did our whole -- this is us, every single Friday night routine. I liked the movie we saw. And my boyfriend was in it.

That's him. To the left. Isn't that a dreamy picture? (Thanks IMDB and Marton Csokas' people!) I have to admit, he's been my boyfriend for a really, really long time. As a matter of fact, when the movie was starting I kept whispering/hissing, "XeeeeeNaaaaa!" into M's ear. To make her laugh, but also because I couldn't help it.

Ok. Dreamy. Whoops. Back on track.

So, to review yesterday's progress, if any. I *did* make plans for last night (obsv.) and I *did* try to make plans for the weekend. They don't seem to be turning out at I had hoped, so I rearranged and now am going to have to call cousins and see if I can get outta those plans.

I did have breakie with dad and love the girls and watch too much tv.

Yesterday was a particularly hard day for me. I was fragile and upset and spent a lot of the day crying. More on that later, I guess, since I have no intention of going into it right now. Nor do I have the time. WTH? It's almost 10 am.

I am the worst blogger ever. I'll have to come back and do this properly.

Friday, September 09, 2011

Back to Reality.

Is it wrong that I hear Soul II Soul in my head finishing that line?

Ok. so I need to get some things done today.

These things are, but not limited to:

Get Dad some breakfast.
Buy Sister her medicine, portion them out for her. --oooh! bring Sister her damn squeaky cheese curds!
Do some work around here.
Make plans for weekend.
Make plans for tonight.

I guess I don't have to do too much. There's soo much that I need to get done for work, though. Is it going to happen? Probably not. Will I be sorry later? Probably so. :/

Aaaand Go!

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Well, I am home. Day 5: A Retrospectacle

No. Not really. It's not a Retrospectacle. But wouldn't it be cool if it was? What a cool word! And. I just looked it up, it's Supertramp's best of album. V cool. V cool, indeed.

We did not get the electricity fixed. I don't know if I've mentioned that. But I did call in help. So I am hoping hard that it is fixed by the time we go back down there.
I also need to buy some supplies before we go back down. I need some serious bug spray. And some bug avoidance spray. Like I don't necessarily want to kill them, but I definitely don't want them near me, either.

Spoke to M at about plans for tomorrow. She is my bestie and I haven't seen her in a month. OH! That reminds me that Tam texted back and I never responded. Guess we won't have plans for this weekend. Oops. Oh! That reminds me also: my cousins have also expressed interest in spending some time with me while I was in town too.

Ok. To review for today. It was - well, a day. It was serious and not. It was sad and not. It was embarrassing and then not. Oh, well.
  • I am going to go do my nighttime regime now. I'm going to spend extra time brushing, shampooing, cleansing, exfoliating, descaling, moisturizing and relaxing. I think it will be good for me.That's it for tonight but I want to really think about what I want for tomorrow. Because as trite as it truly is: tomorrow is another day. Oh, and tomorrow is a new beginning. I really want to try. I want - so much - but I want to take a step, a real step towards something that I can attain, something I can do to make my life better and more fulfilled.

Don't wish me luck: wish me intention and desire. Wish me love and bravery. And send me hope.

It was April.

It was April 10th of this year, to be exact. My father just told someone my mother died in March. No, she died in April.

I miss her terribly.

My whole world is different - in the obvious ways - but also completely upside down in ways that are invisible to others.

I think on the outside my life looks almost exactly the same as it did before she left.

It makes me crazy to run into people and then have to tell them that my mother has died/passed/left us. Small towns.

It is getting a hell of a lot less painful, though. At first it was like razors ripping through my skin, tearing through muscle, piercing my organs and infecting my soul. Today it was more of an irritation - the kind that starts out innocuous enough but then gets worried and blows up into a painful rash or infection for you to suffer through and the world to see, right on the surface --unable to hide your shame, guilt, hideousness.

April 10, 2011. Right at the end of tax season. At the beginning of a year that was looking up, one where she was feeling better (overall) and I had a lot of hope. Hope -- for the future, for things to come. I was finally feeling better. I had gotten out of the nearly two-year long fog that had stole my life, a depression so deep and dark that I sit here today petrified of ever falling back into it knowing I may never find my way back out again.

We went to a family function recently and a cousin that I hadn't seen since well before - well, before - saw me crack. It was just an instant, but like the pinhole that weakens the dam, I was exposed and couldn't regain my composure. A flood was going to come. I excused myself and went and sat with my pain alone, I believe in the bathroom. Hell, I could have gone to the car or the corner. I don't know where I took solace but I can't seem to share my pain. Not with anyone.

That brings up an entire new subject - but one, perhaps, for another time. My pain is spilling out all over the place. Happiness is causing me pain. Like a thousand knives cutting into my flesh.

April 10, 2011 precariously close to midnight, almost April 11. Does the time matter? Will we track it in the stars like one does a birth?

Do you believe the dead can hear our thoughts?

I miss you, Mama.

I think I'm confusing my days.

It's true. Well, it's the third day of this getting-back-to-work week, but Day 5 of starting over. ? Is that right? I think it is.

Update for yesterday.
We left work early to work on electricity (E Lec Tri-city) issues. We found what was obvious problem. We went to store, got stuff and went back to fix. Dad grumbled that I didn't know - whatever he was trying to do, but he did fix/replace parts. Plugged back in and (insert Pretty Loud Noise here) and then nothing. The noise came over from the main electrical box. Not the house. But when dad re-tested, the main electrical box read ok. But now the electricity is broken, broken. Before, it was trying to work. There were dim lights, not no lights. And humming things that just didn't have enough power to turn on and now, nothing.
So, we more broke it. :/
I finished taking all the yuck food stuff out of the off refrigerator and cleaned the floor some. Double bagged the yuck and stuck it in the trunk. (We have to haul out our own trash.)
So we trudged back to other little town and had dinner and checked back into the motel.
We got up early this morning to go work on the house and dad was all that he couldn't see in there and that he was too big to fit. So I went and looked.
Yeah. It was a small space of maybe 2 x 8 INCHES! No one could fit. No one could see. You'd have to be a fairy or - no, that's it. You'd have to be a fairy to fit.
So I called the do-it-all dude who worked on our house. He said he could come see and hopefully have it up and running by this afternoon. I really hope so because I want to go home! And I'm a gonna! ;)

Ok. So in review: I survived another day. But there has to be more. I need to figure out what I want and get going towards it.
That's what's confusing, isn't it? Just one day bleeding into another with no change in sight.

Basically, there is all of September left and October, November and December for this year. That is almost four, full months. Let's see what we can do! And when I say "we," I of course mean me. I need to change. I need to match my words with my intentions. I need to live a happier, more fulfilled life.

I just got home from vacation and all I want to do is huddle in the corner. But if you live big, big things happen. You live small and nothing ever happens, no change, no life. Live big! LIVE BIG!

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Survival: Day One review - Day Two preview

I did survive and it wasn't too bad.
I just deleted a three-paragraph rant about my sister and ATMs. But you didn't need to read all that. Suffice it to say: Don't trust ATMs. Sister is nothing but a big ball of irritation to me.

Had Delicious salad and fish at Outback. (This is not a paid endorsement.) I just really like their blue cheese wedge salad. I often just go to have that salad and a cup of soup. It's not a bad price when you do that.

Went to the teeny trailer. And No Electricity. And many, many mosquito bites. We ended up coming into a nearby town to a motel and checking in. Nothing fancy but a price we could afford, so ok.

I have to admit: I slept in my clothes again. AND I forgot my toothbrush at home. :/ You are *so* lucky to be reading this and not here in person where I'd be telling you this. My teeth feel GroSs! I did take a shower this morning so I should not offend. You know this girl's got to bathe at least once a day. You know that this girl often bathes multiple times daily.
Also: I didn't remember to bring the sunscreen. I did for the face stuff so ok - but not the all over stuff. I put a little of the face stuff on my arms. (Stuff is Too Expensive to really slather on.)

So - overall? I survived. Got to do more than just survive, though. Need to be living with intention - living and working towards goals that will let me truly live a more complete life--in all its glory and all its gore (gory glory?). I need to begin to crack open all life's promises, in all its technicolor and majesty. There is no one but me who can do that for me. It's all me, baby.

Today's Goal: Survival.

It's true. I just wrote all this good, better, best intention stuff (see above) and my goal for today? To survive. Bummer.

I had a client coming in. She's super nice - and I left her file in the big city. We took it with us last time we were here so we could seek guidance. Oh, well. She wasn't really prepared, either. I told her what we still needed and advised her to come back/email/call if she received the needed items - or didn't. Why waste the gas coming here if it were going to be a "hello" and just a status update. Although, she is very pleasant.

Had worker bee come in to visit that cannot work for us anymore. He brought in ideas for what may work out. But - less than ideal to be sure.

Did sister's stupid favor. (I'm not bitter.)

Those are all done. For the rest of the day we need to discover why we do NOT have working electricity.

Ok. That's what we have to do. Figure out the electricity and see about getting it fixed. Go!

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

First Day back at work. Boo!

Well, on this third new day and the first day I'm back at work following my vacation, I'd like to say Boo! Booooooo! Hiss.

Ok. Well. I think that my intentions for the day will be just to survive it.

I had to wake up early. done.
I had to stop and pick up dad and get him breakfast. done.
I had to drive the nearly 4 hours. done.
I had to show up. done. (Boooo.)

I have a stack of crap on the desk. I went to the mail box first thing. Stack of crap in there.

It's going to be a glorious day!

Now, I just have to figure this stuff out.

Most Tired Ever

Yesterday in review.
So I did not forget yesterday.. I just wistfully thought about it as I went to bed anyway. I went to bed *really* early, feeling tired and thinking I needed it. Apparently I did. The alarm went off for 13 minutes before I woke up enough to know the damn alarm was waking me up. Huh.

Also: I'm going to admit. I slept in my clothes and didn't do my nighttime regime. Yes, that's My breath you're smelling. You're welcome.

Let's see. I don't really remember what was on my list.

I did change my sheets. Yay! Nothing beats clean sheet day, except for maybe clean Everything day. I also Very frequently wash all of my pillows, too. I have a lot of pillows. A lot. I think I have eight. It could be 10. And I wash them all (at least once a month) and dry them and it takes forever but NOTHING Beats Clean Bedding! (I probably have low standards.)
I think I deserve a medal or something for it (the changing the sheets yesterday). Not a big medal or anything.. more like a metaphorical medal. Because I was really tired and I did it anyway. Because it was on the stupid list. Seriously. I'm pathetic. I put it on the list and I wanted something to report and I wanted a damn check mark. --So Check Mark and teeny, tiny metaphorical medal going on my lapel. Just kidding. I don't have a lapel.

I did have the family luncheon yesterday with my aunt and uncle and my other aunt and Sister and my father. So yay! that. --Check Mark

Seriously. What was on that stupid list?
Well, I did give the girls much love.
I took out the trash. (pretty sure this wasn't on the list.)
Watched a movie on Netflix (twice). I really liked the movie and so when Mc came down, I was all, wanna a watch a movie? By the way - it was Finding Bliss. With Leelee Sobieski and the cutie from Legally Blonde Matthew Davis. I totally dug it. And it had a happy, romantic ending. And you know, I'm a sucker for a happy, romantic ending. You may not like. But I really did.

OOOh. I just checked. I did Not have a pedicure. Just as well, didn't really need one and I was just going so I could see my bestie.. but she didn't go afterall and I was Really tired (I thought we covered this).
HA! I DID NOT give up SUGAR. That's funny. Yep. Nope. Sugar, sugar, sugar.

But it *was* a day of rest. So there ya go. I have to hurry, because I have to get ready and drive 4 hours so I can go to work. Which? I totally do not want to do. Boo! Boo!

Monday, September 05, 2011

Seriously, Stop!

I, apparently, am now, unfortunately, addicted to Twitter. (Heeee. Wasn't that the Most Obnoxious sentence?)

Seriously, I've got to stop. There's nothing there. I've got nothing to tweet. I'm fairly boring, so I'm looking up other people, but I don't want to follow a lot of people because then my phone is all clogged with stuff. And it's not like I have a lot of spare time. So stop wasting it. -Wait. Didn't I read, or was told on my recent travels, Time is not "wasted" if you enjoyed it. Pretty sure I'm going to go with that. Ok, done. I'm not going to feel guilty as I just got home, haven't had a computer, and it's the weekend.


So, if I'm starting anew. This is day two.
Oh, for yesterday -- I did give the girls lots and lots of love. Check Mark! :)

Back to day two:
I'm not going to do a lot.
I'm going to make my bed.
I'm going to give girls more love.
I'm going to have lunch with family.
I might have a pedicure.
I might give up sugar. Huh? Yeah, well, we'll see how that goes.

We are going to crown this day: Day of rest.
Even though that isn't true and at some point tonight I'm going to have to pack and get ready to leave again.

Oh! And I think I might lie in bed and read some on a book. Indulgences!

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Day One (again)

Well, first off, I did Not take the walk. It was crazy hot. And I intended to do it tonight. I have not and now it is late and I am not. Nope. Oh, well.

I did have a nice dinner with nephew, Sister, Dad and nephew's - umm, friend? She was very nice and she seemed to like me - so she has EXcellent taste. yep. I'm *that* person. I did call G and go over to his house. We had some lunch and we played some Wii Mario Kart. I also saw an old friend (who's G's roommate's boyfriend). So that was actually expected. But still, good. I did do some laundry. I did run to the grocery - picked up some fruit and some juice. I did arrange to have lunch tomorrow with family - geez, that took a minute. Anyway, done.

I did Not do fifteen minutes in my room. I doubt I will do that, either. I sat here for the last 30+ catching up on twitter. My computer is THAT slow. I swear, McAffee *just* expired and now the computer will not go. It's worse than when a computer had acoustic coupling. Remember that? When you took the phone hand/head part and stuck it in the suction cup thingees (think War Games). What? *You're* the one that's old. You are! You Are!

I did take a minute and (not really) clean the fridge. Basically, I straighted it out and tossed some old yuck. It soo annoys me to have a fridge so full you can't find anything in it. I need some visual space in my fridge so I can find stuff and eat the goodness. Also gross!: Mc continually puts items in the fridge that have no cover. Just sticks a cut onion in there. A bowl of unknown sauce origin in there. I asked him nicely a while back - ummm, there are four mustards (all the same - plain mustard) in the fridge. Why do we have four mustards? (At the time there were three regular mayos (one in a gallon jar) and another olive oil mayo.) He replied, "There are?" He explained that he didn't know and he didn't want to run out.. etc. That he would combine them.
Still waiting on that.

Niceness: I discovered that I could loop my new silver chain around and use it as an anklet. I think I might just do that. :) --dumb, but I still think one of the sexiest things I ever saw was Kim Cattrall in Mannequin with the thick bracelet that she was wearing as an anklet. (showing my age.)

Today was mostly pleasant, but I'm no closer to redesigning my life. Although G and I did go to Home Depot where I eye humped some new lighting for the house. I think it's finally time to get rid of the 70's orange, spanish-inspired monstrosity in my entry way. I mean I like it, but I think it's time to move on.

Play it again, Sam!

By the way: Humphrey Bogart never says that line in Casablanca but you already knew that.

So: Intention. Living life with intention.


I am doing laundry. (So Much excitement.)

Love my girls. (pleasure)

Have dinner with my sister and father and nephew (and his girl who is also a friend?) for their birthdays. (this should be interesting.)

Run to the grocery.

Make a budget (and stick to it).

Call my aunts and see if we can make plans for a little somethin', somethin' (for tomorrow, Not today).

Call some friends.

Spend 15 minutes working on my room.

Take a walk. (for real.)

That's my list. I'm hoping that as I take my walk, I will start figuring out what I want. But if I get a little serenity out of it, that's ok too. So maybe no figuring out will happen. Maybe I'll just get a little calm.

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Holy Charge Card, Batman!

Ummm. I made a mistake. I just checked my bank balance - which also showed one of my credit cards - yeeeaaah. I am a dumbass. And a fool. And completely fucking stupid.

Get a grip, girrrrll. Stop spending.

It's true. Don't be too hard on yourself but let's definitely start working on that budget. Right away.

Good luck on that.


What? I didn't post At All in August? WTH?

Well. I just got back from a three-week long road trip with Sister and my father. It was just supposed to be dad and me but she doesn't have a job and doesn't want one, so why not mooch a cross-country trip? Yeah, why not?

And by "just," I mean last night. We got in last night. So, color me exhausted and doing a freakin' great job of checking in! why don't ya?

Also: I didn't want to post on the trip because it's a pain to post off of the phone and its little keyboard and I just put two and two together and realized that you could see my email and my profile and this blog. I did *not* want them to be linked. I mean, I don't care if people read this blog, but no one ever does - so I say some shit on this thing. If the rare person that knows me (awww, I don't have many friends. sad.), were to see this, I guess that'd be ok, but if I knew they were, I might change what I was writing. I'd edit (to spare feelings and to make my life easier). And I don't want to do that. SO! I figured out how to change my profile and now only the government and I know that I am the same person. I don't think the government cares. I don't really care, either. However, when I changed my profile thingee.. it reads that I just started. I would like to point out that my old bloggy thingee read that I'd been blogging since 2004. Not successfully nor regularly but intermittenly and I don't care! I want credit for doing it when it was cool - heeee. Not now when it is not -- or you can make money off of it and quit your "real" job to be a "journalist" or some-shit else. I do Not see that happening in my future. But right now I don't see much of a future at all.

Not that I'm all depressed like and woe-is-me, I just was kind of thinking about it on our trip and I want my life to be different. BUT I have no idea what I want it to be. I just don't know. I think this is my problem approx. 95% of the time. I have no clear notion or idea at all of what I want or like. I just have a list of dislikes and don't wants. It's hard to go about things backwards. But I always do.

Ok. First things first.
I have been doing fairly well (not perfectly) with my edict.

I have been washing my face at night. I have been moisturizing. And even when I haven't, I have been wearing my sunscreen. I have been brushing teeth, etc. I have been trying to eat healthier.
--I have NOT been exercising. I haven't been avoiding Wal-Mart, but I haven't been there much, either. OH. Yeah. Budget. I don't know what this is. I've never heard of one, don't know how to recognize one, don't know what to do with one. REALLY need to work on that. Vitamins: haven't been doing this one, either. Since I can't seem to stomach them at night, I haven't gotten switched around to take them in the morning.

So. I think I should go back to trying to write out a plan every morning and working through the day with intention. It was working (for a week). But still, it was working.
I will probably post about our groovy, cross-country trip a little later. That would be nice. Maybe for posterity, etc. Probably mostly to help my ever-dwindling memory.

I'm gonna try for sleep. Wish me luck.