Something

Something big is going to happen.
I just haven't figured out what, yet.

It's dumb

Or maybe I should just write "I'm dumb."

The last posts have been true.. or I should say that they are my truth.  But I feel dumb, just the same.  And maybe. . . just maybe . . . "dumb" is the literal word.  I am struck dumb. . .unable to talk. My communication skills sorely lacking.

I am at a crossroads.  And I am impotent. Dumb. Unable to speak my desire, unable to even formulate my desires.

And I have hired a lawyer.  I am waiting for his firm, strong voice to tell me, to show me, the way.  Heh.  His strong voice.

He called me today.  I wouldn't exactly call his voice "strong" or "firm".  He did seem very nice though.

----
So I went and visited my old hippie friend last night.  Except she's really too old to be an old hippie.  Oh, well.  But the point is - she gave me my birthday present - s  Birthday PresentS.  One of the presents was a tarot deck.  She had opened it previously, unfortunately.  I know you don't believe any of this.  I don't either.  (Except I do - sort of.)  So.  I tried to put some of my energy on them... but it's all sugared and liquored up energy - so weird, right?  Anyway.  I did a spread (that I looked up on the internet - because I don't know how to do that.. I mean, Hello!)  and I asked about whether I would find true love.  Heh.  The first card - which was about me, was about how I am super strong.  And that must be good, because every other freaking card was all that nothing was going to work out.  Not as I'd planned, not as I wanted it to, not as a type A or a laid back "change comes when it's time" person.  Yeah.  NOT a good sign.

I'm a little horny.  Stupid maragaritas are making me write this disjointed, stupid (dumb) exclamation of my loneliness.  Ye-ah.  This was a great idea.

What do you do if you've known your entire life that what would make you happy is to find the other half of your soul that's somewhere out there in the great-big world?
And you ache for it, yearn for it.  That second part of yourself that will make you whole?
I'm been listening to a book on tape that has taken a romantic turn and now I'm maudlin.  I'm so sad.

You see, I know, I've always known what I really want out of life.  I've always wanted to "be happy." And that happiness, for me, can only come with the terrible, horrible soul-crushing, up-lifting, painful, joyful binding of me with another.  The perfect "other," the one other that completes me.
And how sad is it and how true it is that from a very early age, I knew that I was going to be alone. I would make all my decisions on my own, I would not share my responsibilities with a special "other," nor share my milestones with that one person, either.
And I've not put myself out there.  I haven't actively looked because of fear.  And I'm damaged.  I've had pain and disease inflicted upon me.  And the character flaws that I was born with that seem to me I shall never overcome, have not helped.  It seems they were perfectly fitted to compliment each other so that I will remain alone forever.

Girls. Or How I Wasted My Weekend.

I totally did waste my weekend.  *Totally* 
Ha!
I wasted time all weekend.  It felt wonderful.  I watched tv. I watched so much tv. Oh, gawd. It was good. Today, I actually had a nap.

I did not know if I liked or really hated GIRLS. I caught up on the episodes. And I liked them.

I really needed to work and work and work. I've been running in circles trying to accomplish - what exactly?  Success!  That's what I've been trying to accomplish.  Does one accomplish success?  One attains it.  I, for one, have not attained success.

How is it, when I reached a certain age, I figured something out. But not really.  I mean, I figured out that I wanted to work hard and attain something for myself.  And that something is a bit of business success.  Not much, really.  Just to be profitable and be able to pay myself a living wage.  And maybe more than that. Someday.
Yet, I haven't figured out how to do that.
And frack! I'm about to have ANOTHER birthday.  Seriously.  Another one.
And I'm trying to be amenable and take on a business partner.  That's fun. That'll work out well.  Well, truly I hope it will.

And so.  So, I've been running around trying to do my work, trying to do her work, trying to go to school to create a new life.
Yeah.
That's going to work out.

Again. New and Hope.

Ok. I don't know what this blog is supposed to be about. Other than it is about me. And my thoughts. I guess that it's ultimately about my struggles. My struggle to be the best me I can be.

I've finally figured out that is what I want. I want to be the best me possible. Perhaps, that way I can be happy. That way--I can find purpose in my life. Maybe. Maybe.

Hopefully.

Of course, there are some less lofty goals that I have. Like wanting to be able to pay my bills. Wanting a new car, wanting to travel, wanting a hot boyfriend with a crazy, hard body. Eh, I wouldn't mind a sick, hard body for myself either.

With my craziness, how do I trust the new path I'm on now?  Well, I don't know.  But I can tell you, I feel more like myself, more me than I have in a long time, maybe more than I ever have.  I know it's the fancy cocktail of designer drugs and I know that I have to continually adjust and check in with myself to make sure I don't lose myself.  There is fear involved.

So I'll try to be honest. I'll try to follow-through. And follow-up. And I have a lot of work to do - studying and traveling and working and schmoozing and exercising.  This is what I have to do.

So this is what I'll do.

Let's Try This *Again*

ok.
Let's start over.  A re-do, if you will. 
I want to be the most, optimum me I can be.

So let's start.

For the next 24 hours.  ooooh.  that might be too much.  Fuck.  Ok. 
For the next 90 minutes: I am going to get up and wash my stank off and wash my hair and brush my teeth.

I need to take my car in for service. Effectively stranding me for the day.  Perhaps I'll get some work done during that time.

Optimum me:
Start with clean hair, clean body, clean teeth. 
Work from there.

completely bereft

i had a huge fight with sister. and it wasn't even that huge. but something about it seems final. and i don't understand. i don't understand how she can not even feel remotely the least bit of understanding of what i'm doing, what i'm going through, and how hard i'm working.
and i can see her side - she thinks mom favored me and gave me everything i wanted. she thinks mom hated her and tried to do things to hurt, or at least not help her.
but i can see these old wounds. thinking those thoughts as a child, a teenager, a young adult. and then: finally growing up. letting some of it go. maybe not all, but some.
i do not see how she doesn't see me trying. and drowning. i don't understand.
i just do not understand how when i asked for help - i got attitude. so maybe i am the bitch.
but i cannot forgive her. not with out her apology. even if it isn't her fault. even if it is ultimately my fault. i need that apology. i needed help and i didn't get it. now i need an apology - and i think hell will come and go and i'll still be waiting, still be needing it.
and i cannot forgive her for that.

New Year. What?!

Ok. So I've checked out. And this is sad. Partly because I miss it. Partly because I haven't been being honest with what's going on. Partly because if I'm not writing in this blog how else am I going to be a famous blogger, write a book and then sell millions of copies so that I become the person I've always wanted to be - but just *a little bit* of a recluse because, of course I have to protect my privacy and I'm so famous that I have to hide and wear big, dumpy dark glasses to hide my identity? Yeah. How else is that going to happen?

It's a new year. And things are looking up. And then they're looking sideways. And then, well, let's just say I don't believe in hell, per se, but things have definitely been looking southward, too.

Christmas and New Year's were a blur. And so far, this month has been one too.

I'm running the tax office(s) and a new hire is making me grumpy, grouchy, and plain-ass irritable. (Why didn't they have a dwarf named "Irritable" or "Stressy?")

I am still on my designer drugs. I feel so much better. It makes me wonder, is this how normal people feel? I mean, I feel sad or irritated or angry or tired or even depressed, but not everything is such a struggle. It doesn't feel like a life and death fight with myself just to get out of bed. It just isn't as hard. I guess that's what I'm feeling. Life is easier. And I wonder - is this how it should have been all along?

My weight is still terrible. But I'm really trying to not focus on it. I figure when I have time and feel better, things will come.

What I am focusing on is trying to start new, healthy habits. I found an app named Habit Streak that I downloaded to track my progress and check in with myself to try to start (and stick to) new habits that I'd like to cultivate. I won't bore you with my up-and-coming habits - oh, wait. That's what I do here.

So yeah. I will. I will let you know what I'm working on right now.

1) Brush teeth at least twice a day. [I know, I know. This is a no-brainer and you are now thinking that I'm the grossest person ever. You might be right. But at night. I often am soo oo oooo tired that if I remember I can't get out of bed to do it. Also, I almost *always* brush them in the morning - but lately (will discuss later) with my new morning regimen I don't always remember because so much is going on.]

2) Take morning medicine (I had to give myself an easy one - sadly, I do not always remember. Actually, I've been forgetting so - I have been taking it with -

3) Take night medicine ( my night medicine. This is actually a cheat - because I can forget to take it - and I have - but then I can't sleep, so then I eventually remember.)

4) Play with the girls (giving myself a fun one. but I don't always get a chance. Have been busy, busy.)

5) Wake up before 7 am on weekdays and 9 am on weekend. (Yeeaaaah. This one. Not even close to being a habit. What's the opposite of habit? That's me and this "suggestion" from Habit Streak.)

6) Take a daily vitamin (This one is for my cousin, the neurosurgeon. Actually, she's not a neurosurgeon, she's a neurologist. - BUT I like to say, "It's not brain surgery, and I should know, my cousins a brain surgeon." I don't actually say this (anymore).)

7) Wash face before bed (This should be another easy one - but for some reason. I'm so tired and "don't give a shit" at night lately. I can't do it.)

Here's some others that I'm working on that AREN'T on Habit Streak.

New Year, New Me! So I've set myself some rules.

• Must wear new contacts at least three times a week.
• Must wear "real" shoes places like work. Not, *NOT* Crocs.
• Must wear makeup - which consists of (but not limited to) eyeliner, mascara, and lip something.
• Must try to dress to flatter my figure and better represent the person I'd like to be - Which is to say, I cannot solely dress strictly for comfort any longer. I do not have to be uncomfortable, but I cannot dress like a slob anymore. Except perhaps on the weekends. - Non-working weekends.

• As part of the dressing for success - or more aptly put - dressing like the person I'd like to be (see above) - try to style it, girrrrl. So some jewelry, some accessories, some matchy-match.

Well, there probably is another one, but I've been terrible about it. And that's Try to Save. As in, stop spending, idiot. But I've been feeling, why can't I be surrounded by beauty, pretty? So I've been spending. The opposite of "saving" but I've also been trying to save. Which is a problem I haven't quite worked out yet.

There. That's it. That's what's going on. Sort of. Wish me luck.