Tuesday, June 26, 2012

It's dumb

Or maybe I should just write "I'm dumb."

The last posts have been true.. or I should say that they are my truth.  But I feel dumb, just the same.  And maybe. . . just maybe . . . "dumb" is the literal word.  I am struck dumb. . .unable to talk. My communication skills sorely lacking.

I am at a crossroads.  And I am impotent. Dumb. Unable to speak my desire, unable to even formulate my desires.

And I have hired a lawyer.  I am waiting for his firm, strong voice to tell me, to show me, the way.  Heh.  His strong voice.

He called me today.  I wouldn't exactly call his voice "strong" or "firm".  He did seem very nice though.

So I went and visited my old hippie friend last night.  Except she's really too old to be an old hippie.  Oh, well.  But the point is - she gave me my birthday present - s  Birthday PresentS.  One of the presents was a tarot deck.  She had opened it previously, unfortunately.  I know you don't believe any of this.  I don't either.  (Except I do - sort of.)  So.  I tried to put some of my energy on them... but it's all sugared and liquored up energy - so weird, right?  Anyway.  I did a spread (that I looked up on the internet - because I don't know how to do that.. I mean, Hello!)  and I asked about whether I would find true love.  Heh.  The first card - which was about me, was about how I am super strong.  And that must be good, because every other freaking card was all that nothing was going to work out.  Not as I'd planned, not as I wanted it to, not as a type A or a laid back "change comes when it's time" person.  Yeah.  NOT a good sign.

I'm a little horny.  Stupid maragaritas are making me write this disjointed, stupid (dumb) exclamation of my loneliness.  Ye-ah.  This was a great idea.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

What do you do if you've known your entire life that what would make you happy is to find the other half of your soul that's somewhere out there in the great-big world?
And you ache for it, yearn for it.  That second part of yourself that will make you whole?
I'm been listening to a book on tape that has taken a romantic turn and now I'm maudlin.  I'm so sad.

You see, I know, I've always known what I really want out of life.  I've always wanted to "be happy." And that happiness, for me, can only come with the terrible, horrible soul-crushing, up-lifting, painful, joyful binding of me with another.  The perfect "other," the one other that completes me.
And how sad is it and how true it is that from a very early age, I knew that I was going to be alone. I would make all my decisions on my own, I would not share my responsibilities with a special "other," nor share my milestones with that one person, either.
And I've not put myself out there.  I haven't actively looked because of fear.  And I'm damaged.  I've had pain and disease inflicted upon me.  And the character flaws that I was born with that seem to me I shall never overcome, have not helped.  It seems they were perfectly fitted to compliment each other so that I will remain alone forever.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Girls. Or How I Wasted My Weekend.

I totally did waste my weekend.  *Totally* 
I wasted time all weekend.  It felt wonderful.  I watched tv. I watched so much tv. Oh, gawd. It was good. Today, I actually had a nap.

I did not know if I liked or really hated GIRLS. I caught up on the episodes. And I liked them.

I really needed to work and work and work. I've been running in circles trying to accomplish - what exactly?  Success!  That's what I've been trying to accomplish.  Does one accomplish success?  One attains it.  I, for one, have not attained success.

How is it, when I reached a certain age, I figured something out. But not really.  I mean, I figured out that I wanted to work hard and attain something for myself.  And that something is a bit of business success.  Not much, really.  Just to be profitable and be able to pay myself a living wage.  And maybe more than that. Someday.
Yet, I haven't figured out how to do that.
And frack! I'm about to have ANOTHER birthday.  Seriously.  Another one.
And I'm trying to be amenable and take on a business partner.  That's fun. That'll work out well.  Well, truly I hope it will.

And so.  So, I've been running around trying to do my work, trying to do her work, trying to go to school to create a new life.
That's going to work out.