Awake in the middle of the night.

This entire week I've been awake at night. I must tell you that it's getting old. I guess that it's good that I was depressed and slept all weekend.
Today, Mom's lift failed and she fell down on the ground. Firemen (I suppose) had to come help her up. Right there is every reason for me to lose weight. I don't know if I can do it. But I'm really going to try again. I bought that fab book about emotional eating and after days of, "alright, I totally get this," I haven't been able to make myself read any more. Really think I should go try. Maybe it'll make me go to sleep.
Tonight, I didn't eat junk (like normal). I just ate a normal (to large-ish) amount of decent food. Salad and some green chile stew and beans. That's not bad, is it? No tortilla. It went down fine. I bought myself a salad for tomorrow's lunch. Oh, and today for lunch I had soup. I think I did ok for today.
Tomorrow I can worry about tomorrow.
I really need to get some exercise in, though.
I'm having trouble with Bshe. She has such high energy, I feel guilty that I don't take her for more walks. But when I do, I fight for control the entire time. I need to get to the gym. That's what I really need to do. (Oh, I'm getting a headache.. maybe some fake tylenol pm? That might be just the ticket!)
This is probably everyone's question, but how do I translate good intentions into results?
To semi-quote Rob Schneider in the Scott Bakula movie I love, "Let's see what I do."
-Note- he says, "let's see what they do..." I can totally hear him. I love it.

Still sick. boo hoo

Oh, well. Basic sickiness has moved down into my chest. Yay! Right. Anyway. Very tired. Couldn't get outta bed this morning. Have an appointment with doctor right after work. That should work out alright. Didn't really do my hair or makeup. If I'm suffering - everyone else does to. HA!

So. M and I want to go to Weezer at the fair. Groovy. But then, we've asked other people. Actually to be technical, she and her boyfriend decided to go and asked if I'd like to come along. I was all, Sure! Anyway. We asked others and now it's a big todo. Can't seem to arrange what everyone wants to do / when to go / how to get there. Etc. Etc. And yet, we used to do it all the time as youngsters. (hee. youngsters) Anyway. We decided it was because all the time we just did what the driver wanted to do. I was the driver. It was a simpler time. heee. Anyway. Lzj is being weird from her work - or it's just that she wants to do what she wants to do - or she's trying not to be weird because we've invited A also. And they kinda (but definitely don't) have a history.

Speaking of A, recently I had a dream about him. Nothing good or bad.. except we were waaaay more touchy-feely in the dream. I think I just need basic human contact. Always have. and until I get it.. my psyche (sp?) is going to make something outta nothing.
oh, well.
!!

This Week

So this week, according to my self-help book, is a week of observation. I'm supposed to observe every time or try to stop for a moment to observe why I'm overeating. mmm. Ok. I think I can do that. I think, however, that I can already help you out there, bud. I eat because I'm bored. I eat because I'm lonely. I eat because I'm stressed. I eat because I'm sad/depressed/happy/need a drug induced coma. Yep. I eat for a lot of reasons.. and finally, sometimes, I eat because I'm hungry.
I really need some help here. There's only so many excuses to go around. I need to learn that it's ok not to be perfect. Should have learned it a long time ago.. because, frankly, I'm faaaar from perfect. We don't even live in the same county, much less zip code.
I have to start believing that everything will turn out ok. And it will. I have to believe that it will.
By the way: I'm still sick. :(

I'm sick. :(

New job and I'm sick. Awww.
I guess there are worse things that could happen. Like Palin being merely breaths away from presidency. Honestly, folks, c'mon!
Anyway.
Just wanted to check in and write a little about what's going on wid me.
I'm sick. Oh, already covered that. My trainer should be back today and I'm hoping we should be finishing up my training soon.. just not too soon.
The more I do my job, the less scared I am. And trust me, that's a good thing. Been completely worried that I'm a fraud and would just crash and burn by myself.
And I'm going to make mistakes (given), just have to ask a lot of questions and see if I can cut some of them off - and then see if I can live with the rest.
And.
I've been reading this book to try to help me deal with my "issues" with food.
So here:
I want to lose weight for my health. I want to lose weight to look better in clothes. (wear cuter stuff - although... I'm going to need to work on this, because I already wear way cute stuff.) I want to lose weight so I don't smell/sweat as much. (Does that one count? I think it does - although they say the healthier you are the more you sweat. What ev.)
So. Let me clarify.
I want to lose weight for my health. I want to be more active, I think it better controls my moods.
I want to lose weight for my health. (the second one goes into the first.)

Pain and Suffering. Thousands of Dollars.

I decided not to step on the scale. And then thought, "It's your choice. If you went through all of that and don't want to it's your choice. Thousands of dollars. All that pain and suffering. Those operations." Thousands of dollars. American. Surgeries. Painful. And it is my choice.
I don't have time this morning for this blog. But I wanted to put this down.
I know how to do it. And it is my choice. I need to choose wisely.

Friends

Ah! Friends. I have to say. It's nice to have 'em.
I spent a lovely (if pricey) day with B.
Speaking of - I just went to facebook because Alison Torien added me as a friend and she has a friend on facebook named: B. The entire thing. Freaked me out. Hurt my feelings a little bit because I was all, "Why would B be friends with Ali and not me?" Apparently, it's a different girl. Speaking of pricey.. it wasn't really pricey. B bought breakie and it was totally yummy. YUM!
After B left and I went home, I think I sat on the couch like 2 hours (it totally didn't feel like I sat there long at all). And then I got my ass up.. and went to the Wally World and bought food for the week for lunches, etc. Then G and Mc came over. We strolled the girls which was nice and now am doing laundry. Must go to bed soon, though. It was a lovely day of friends. :)
Friends. Mmmm. Yummy. (Ooh, did that sound dirty, because it wasn't supposed to.)

T. Trustworthy. A.

Fucker. I just did a zabasearch on me. Pops up right away with my address. Fuckers!! AAAHH! Anyway, did one on T and it reads the same address he had prob 5 years ago. In fucking Tennessee. What the fuck is he doing in TN? Before I thought it was the address of a school or a work site, because that is what it looks like from the satelite photo. But google has improved and it is an actual, if simple looking, house. So now what? Nothing. Right?
Except what if he's living a better life than me? I know I'm whining. But - WHAT IF HE IS LIVING A BETTER LIFE THAN ME?
I couldn't stand it. Really.
Why can't I be extraordinary? Why can't I be one of those unconventional people that at least looks good in writing? Instead of - never been married, no kids, not seeing anyone. It should be something like . . living somewhere exotic, have a great, low-key, high-paying job that I work when I want, but I work all the time because I love, and never been married but came so close a couple of times.
He probably still isn't obsessed with me. So he wins. Fucker!

Ok. Just one more.

AND I have to write that protect marriage? Protect it from what? The logical response would be "from divorce," wouldn't it? NO! Apparently not. Apparently we need to protect it from loving couples. Huh?
What?
What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?
and finally, D'oh!
What the Fuck?? Protect marriage is as stupid as stupid can be. Mama always said stupid is as stupid does. That's these stupid ass, Bass Ackward people. Yes for Marriage! No to civil rights! What's next? Yes for Pirahnas! No from saving your skin and extremities from a hungry fish - or from saving your own life. No to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! Because that would be dumb, and my GAWD don't like it.
Ellen DeGeneres is fighting a similar fight in California. No to prop 8. Here it's prop (I keep writing prob - and it is a problem) 102. Worst thing is: here in AZ - WE HAVE ALREADY VOTED ON THIS ISSUE AND AS A PEOPLE DECIDED THAT GAY MARRIAGE HURT NO ONE AND WE AGREED AS A VOTING POPULACE THAT IT WAS OK TO not HAVE A LAW THAT SPECIFICALLY BANS IT. As it is already illegal anyway. So they are repackaging it and trying again. DUMB FUCKS! But let's see if it works.

truth about me.

Hmph. I'm a liar. And I didn't even know it. I told a lie and now I'm stuck. STUCK. And I always thought it was stupid. Watching soap operas when someone told a lie and then they got stuck. I was all. . ."just tell the truth, what's the worst that can happen? They're going to find out anyway." It was after all, a soap opera.. someone was going to find out and blackmail and then it was somehow, terribly, wrongly, spectacularly going to come out at the very worst possible moment of all.
And now here I am stuck. And only chance can get me unstuck. What should I do? No. What am I going to do? Just stay stuck and hope for the best.