Sunday. Always a busy day.

I should be outta here by now. But I'm not. And it's kind of on purpose, but something I think that's totally going to backfire. -I'm meeting M and her friend laurel (by the way, I don't think I've mentioned this - but NONE of these names are real - except for Sister and Dad. Everyone else has been abbreviated to protect the (not so) innocent) to go get a pedicure.
I know, right? You wish you had *my* problems. Well, honestly, I can't afford it - but was all.. that's what credit is for, right?
We're supposed to meet at 11, but M is always (AND I MEAN ALWAYS) late.
M. is. Always. Late.
And I was hoping that if I arrive a little late, not too much, just a little, I might not have the stupid guy that has done my feet the last two times I've been there. It's a plan. It probably won't help. And I feel sad and like crud so I don't really want to go. But maybe getting out of the house and doing what is bad for me financially might be good for me mentally? What say you?
Anyway. That's my plan. I live the farthest away and if I left now (I live at least 20 away) I'd still be the first one to arrive. Probably.

I am going to leave Dad on his own to fend for himself this morning. Not the best idea, considering he'll probably go get donuts. BTW: he's a diabetic. But I'll see him this evening as it is SUNDAY.

Ready for the rundown?

• Get a pedicure.
• Go to the grocery.
• Make dinner, transport everything to aunt's. Have dinner. Clean up, transport everything back. Clean up.
• Do laundry.
• Work on clothes sitch in room. (everything's jumbled, worse than usual, from the trip).
• Clean bedding.

Ok, go!

Rough - but ok.

Still not having the best of times, but I was able to go out and have a nice evening - and a Fun evening full of laughs! Went and saw Laughter Against the Machine. Totally fun and totally worth it!

If you are lucky enough to have them come to your city - you should totally check them out.

If you want to read their stuff or something - I found this link. I don't know if there is a better site - mostly I just google. But here anyway: http://laughteragainstthemachine.wordpress.com/

With completely No Segue: I'm feeling a little schizo. I'm afraid that I might fall down a hole. So far - well. I am ok. And then so Not ok. And then sort of ok. I need to find a way to not - to not sink down.

I don't have any medical insurance. I have 5 more months before I can do the first bit of ObamaCare to pass - the pre-existing condition insurance. I am so, so grateful that that has passed, but having to go six (6) months! without having insurance before it's possible to join their pool is a really long, scary time. Maybe I can get the HIPAA carryover thing - but then they charge you whatever they want - because they have to take you. Probably better to go the 5 more months and just get it over with.

Maybe I'll make it. Maybe going off of sugar will help control my moods - and a little exercise? Another reason to get on program and just do it already!

Right: So did I have a plan for today?
- NOPE, just checked.
I did end up going to the comedy show with one of my cousins (but not her sister) and also A. We had a nice dinner and then fun at the show.
I did have a meal with Dad. We went to - well, brunch. I had lunch stuff and he had breakfast stuff. And it kinda sucked (but didn't). The reason it kinda sucked is because the place we went to has excellent green chile and it is my favorite thing there. I'm currently not eating meat. So I had cheese enchiladas. They were ok - but nothing like the great White Sands that I usually have.

OH MY Gawd! It's a sickness!

Ok, know how I was all.. "I'm addicted to Twitter?" Well, I kind of gave that up, because - well, I don't know. I'm still "using" too much. But addicted? No. NOW - I think I'm addicted to reading new blogs. I noticed the button on the front of Blogger that was all - Blogs of Note. And I clicked. I'm now following oh, I don't know, like 5 blogs. In the space of 2 hours. Plus the one that I had signed up for day before yesterday. Plus the ones I already read. Ummm. You need help, girl. Seriously.

I'm blaming my cross-country trip with no computer for three weeks. Because seriously? do you really, really have time to read all that extra stuff?

Get out - AWAY from your computer!
Umm. You are actually sitting in a dark room looking at a computer screen. Ewww. That's kind of creepy. Get out and do something. ! Now!

Ok. I'm at least going to get some sun. Here. I. go.
Right now. I am getting up and walking away.

Just let me hit "publish" . . .

Seriously! do it!

Saturday!

I stayed up *super* late with Mc watching Netflix movies. (No, I am Not going to provide them with free advertising. Again. Hmmm.) And before that I went to movies with M and A and did our whole -- this is us, every single Friday night routine. I liked the movie we saw. And my boyfriend was in it.

That's him. To the left. Isn't that a dreamy picture? (Thanks IMDB and Marton Csokas' people!) I have to admit, he's been my boyfriend for a really, really long time. As a matter of fact, when the movie was starting I kept whispering/hissing, "XeeeeeNaaaaa!" into M's ear. To make her laugh, but also because I couldn't help it.

Ok. Dreamy. Whoops. Back on track.



So, to review yesterday's progress, if any. I *did* make plans for last night (obsv.) and I *did* try to make plans for the weekend. They don't seem to be turning out at I had hoped, so I rearranged and now am going to have to call cousins and see if I can get outta those plans.

I did have breakie with dad and love the girls and watch too much tv.

Yesterday was a particularly hard day for me. I was fragile and upset and spent a lot of the day crying. More on that later, I guess, since I have no intention of going into it right now. Nor do I have the time. WTH? It's almost 10 am.

I am the worst blogger ever. I'll have to come back and do this properly.

Back to Reality.

Is it wrong that I hear Soul II Soul in my head finishing that line?

Ok. so I need to get some things done today.

These things are, but not limited to:

Get Dad some breakfast.
Buy Sister her medicine, portion them out for her. --oooh! bring Sister her damn squeaky cheese curds!
Do some work around here.
Make plans for weekend.
Make plans for tonight.

I guess I don't have to do too much. There's soo much that I need to get done for work, though. Is it going to happen? Probably not. Will I be sorry later? Probably so. :/

Aaaand Go!

Well, I am home. Day 5: A Retrospectacle

No. Not really. It's not a Retrospectacle. But wouldn't it be cool if it was? What a cool word! And. I just looked it up, it's Supertramp's best of album. V cool. V cool, indeed.

We did not get the electricity fixed. I don't know if I've mentioned that. But I did call in help. So I am hoping hard that it is fixed by the time we go back down there.
I also need to buy some supplies before we go back down. I need some serious bug spray. And some bug avoidance spray. Like I don't necessarily want to kill them, but I definitely don't want them near me, either.

Spoke to M at about plans for tomorrow. She is my bestie and I haven't seen her in a month. OH! That reminds me that Tam texted back and I never responded. Guess we won't have plans for this weekend. Oops. Oh! That reminds me also: my cousins have also expressed interest in spending some time with me while I was in town too.

Ok. To review for today. It was - well, a day. It was serious and not. It was sad and not. It was embarrassing and then not. Oh, well.

• I am going to go do my nighttime regime now. I'm going to spend extra time brushing, shampooing, cleansing, exfoliating, descaling, moisturizing and relaxing. I think it will be good for me.That's it for tonight but I want to really think about what I want for tomorrow. Because as trite as it truly is: tomorrow is another day. Oh, and tomorrow is a new beginning. I really want to try. I want - so much - but I want to take a step, a real step towards something that I can attain, something I can do to make my life better and more fulfilled.

Don't wish me luck: wish me intention and desire. Wish me love and bravery. And send me hope.

It was April.

It was April 10th of this year, to be exact. My father just told someone my mother died in March. No, she died in April.

I miss her terribly.

My whole world is different - in the obvious ways - but also completely upside down in ways that are invisible to others.

I think on the outside my life looks almost exactly the same as it did before she left.

It makes me crazy to run into people and then have to tell them that my mother has died/passed/left us. Small towns.

It is getting a hell of a lot less painful, though. At first it was like razors ripping through my skin, tearing through muscle, piercing my organs and infecting my soul. Today it was more of an irritation - the kind that starts out innocuous enough but then gets worried and blows up into a painful rash or infection for you to suffer through and the world to see, right on the surface --unable to hide your shame, guilt, hideousness.

April 10, 2011. Right at the end of tax season. At the beginning of a year that was looking up, one where she was feeling better (overall) and I had a lot of hope. Hope -- for the future, for things to come. I was finally feeling better. I had gotten out of the nearly two-year long fog that had stole my life, a depression so deep and dark that I sit here today petrified of ever falling back into it knowing I may never find my way back out again.

We went to a family function recently and a cousin that I hadn't seen since well before - well, before - saw me crack. It was just an instant, but like the pinhole that weakens the dam, I was exposed and couldn't regain my composure. A flood was going to come. I excused myself and went and sat with my pain alone, I believe in the bathroom. Hell, I could have gone to the car or the corner. I don't know where I took solace but I can't seem to share my pain. Not with anyone.

That brings up an entire new subject - but one, perhaps, for another time. My pain is spilling out all over the place. Happiness is causing me pain. Like a thousand knives cutting into my flesh.

April 10, 2011 precariously close to midnight, almost April 11. Does the time matter? Will we track it in the stars like one does a birth?

Do you believe the dead can hear our thoughts?

I miss you, Mama.

I think I'm confusing my days.

It's true. Well, it's the third day of this getting-back-to-work week, but Day 5 of starting over. ? Is that right? I think it is.

Update for yesterday.
We left work early to work on electricity (E Lec Tri-city) issues. We found what was obvious problem. We went to store, got stuff and went back to fix. Dad grumbled that I didn't know - whatever he was trying to do, but he did fix/replace parts. Plugged back in and (insert Pretty Loud Noise here) and then nothing. The noise came over from the main electrical box. Not the house. But when dad re-tested, the main electrical box read ok. But now the electricity is broken, broken. Before, it was trying to work. There were dim lights, not no lights. And humming things that just didn't have enough power to turn on and now, nothing.
So, we more broke it. :/
I finished taking all the yuck food stuff out of the off refrigerator and cleaned the floor some. Double bagged the yuck and stuck it in the trunk. (We have to haul out our own trash.)
So we trudged back to other little town and had dinner and checked back into the motel.
We got up early this morning to go work on the house and dad was all that he couldn't see in there and that he was too big to fit. So I went and looked.
Yeah. It was a small space of maybe 2 x 8 INCHES! No one could fit. No one could see. You'd have to be a fairy or - no, that's it. You'd have to be a fairy to fit.
So I called the do-it-all dude who worked on our house. He said he could come see and hopefully have it up and running by this afternoon. I really hope so because I want to go home! And I'm a gonna! ;)

Ok. So in review: I survived another day. But there has to be more. I need to figure out what I want and get going towards it.
That's what's confusing, isn't it? Just one day bleeding into another with no change in sight.

Basically, there is all of September left and October, November and December for this year. That is almost four, full months. Let's see what we can do! And when I say "we," I of course mean me. I need to change. I need to match my words with my intentions. I need to live a happier, more fulfilled life.

I just got home from vacation and all I want to do is huddle in the corner. But if you live big, big things happen. You live small and nothing ever happens, no change, no life. Live big! LIVE BIG!

Survival: Day One review - Day Two preview

I did survive and it wasn't too bad.
I just deleted a three-paragraph rant about my sister and ATMs. But you didn't need to read all that. Suffice it to say: Don't trust ATMs. Sister is nothing but a big ball of irritation to me.

Had Delicious salad and fish at Outback. (This is not a paid endorsement.) I just really like their blue cheese wedge salad. I often just go to have that salad and a cup of soup. It's not a bad price when you do that.

Went to the teeny trailer. And No Electricity. And many, many mosquito bites. We ended up coming into a nearby town to a motel and checking in. Nothing fancy but a price we could afford, so ok.

I have to admit: I slept in my clothes again. AND I forgot my toothbrush at home. :/ You are *so* lucky to be reading this and not here in person where I'd be telling you this. My teeth feel GroSs! I did take a shower this morning so I should not offend. You know this girl's got to bathe at least once a day. You know that this girl often bathes multiple times daily.
Also: I didn't remember to bring the sunscreen. I did for the face stuff so ok - but not the all over stuff. I put a little of the face stuff on my arms. (Stuff is Too Expensive to really slather on.)

So - overall? I survived. Got to do more than just survive, though. Need to be living with intention - living and working towards goals that will let me truly live a more complete life--in all its glory and all its gore (gory glory?). I need to begin to crack open all life's promises, in all its technicolor and majesty. There is no one but me who can do that for me. It's all me, baby.

Today's Goal: Survival.

It's true. I just wrote all this good, better, best intention stuff (see above) and my goal for today? To survive. Bummer.

I had a client coming in. She's super nice - and I left her file in the big city. We took it with us last time we were here so we could seek guidance. Oh, well. She wasn't really prepared, either. I told her what we still needed and advised her to come back/email/call if she received the needed items - or didn't. Why waste the gas coming here if it were going to be a "hello" and just a status update. Although, she is very pleasant.

Had worker bee come in to visit that cannot work for us anymore. He brought in ideas for what may work out. But - less than ideal to be sure.

Did sister's stupid favor. (I'm not bitter.)

Those are all done. For the rest of the day we need to discover why we do NOT have working electricity.

Ok. That's what we have to do. Figure out the electricity and see about getting it fixed. Go!