FREAK! ing Proud

Ok. Proud.

Which is extremely uncomfortable for me. Because, I mean, like what? And a little exuberant. At least I was. That was last night. Or last evening. Whatever.
Yeah.

Here’s the scenario: freaks are out. I mean really. Out. And about. So I’m doing my swim/workout thing. I like it. Not the least reason for it because you can’t exactly hold a conversation. You just do your thing and can be left alone, and aren’t a freak for not talking to people that you don’t want to talk to in the first place.
Background: I don’t go to the gym to make friends. I don’t go to be social. I don’t even go, really, because I like it—although from time to time, I do. Which, as above, is probably why I like the swimming. I’m fat and very buoyant. It’s good. I float. I feel light. It’s good for my always-aching back. It makes me feel long and slender (go figure). And the best part—the very best part is sitting in the hot tub (which under normal circumstances is akin to sitting in a pitrie dish)[side: apparently that is not how you spell it—there is no word in the dictionary.com that even comes close-so sorry for you out there]. Sitting in the hot tub. Lovely. Absolutely lovely.
Oh, scenario.
Ok, so swimming… and usually about this time of day I am the only female and the men are busy being gross and I’m hoping they leave me alone…which, for the most part, they are in the steam room and sauna. And I’m lost in my head. And floating and la de da. And I notice icky guy staring at me. Humph. Ok, start swimming like I mean it and give him less to look at (which involves me swimming farther below the water surface and swimming in a kinda sitting up position when swimming on my back-read backwards, because I’m sitting and so no longer on my back).
And then squeaky shoes guy is walking around the pool. And around the pool. And again. Annoying, but whatever. Then he stops and says, “What’s your name?” and I surprised reply, “Why?”
He says his name is Eddie. And I give my name (later, I wonder why I do.. need to practice giving fake name.. think it’ll make me feel better). And he says blah blah blah, in a thick accent. I reply, “What?”
“Will you do me a favor and walk into the steam room for a minute? Just a second?”
“NO. No.” Shake head. “No.”
Actually, I’m not entirely sure what he said. As I mentioned before, his accent was quite thick. But he did say step or walk somewhere for a minute. Enough. And I said no. No.
Powerful word, no. And I am so proud. Because I didn’t think it and not say it. Or say it and then think horrible thoughts and run out in a tremor. I just said it and then thought, “Freak!” and kept going about my business. Until, of course, I realized it. And then I kinda gloated in my head. Stuff like, “As if!” and “Loser!”
I take this as a sign of being stronger. Of being more competent and able to take care of myself. Honestly. Frightening isn’t it? You’d be terrified if I told you how that scene (repeated often enough) normally plays out.
Him: do me a favor
Me: I don’t think so
Him: Aw, c’mon.
Me: what is it that you want me to do?
Him: go over here for just a moment. Won’t take long
Me: how long?
Him: just a second
Me: well . . .
Him: it’s ok . . c’mon
Me: well . . .
Him: it’s easy. C’mon.
Me: well, ok.
Him: (suggests something unseemly in darkened corner)
Me: (giggling uncomfortably) I don’t think so… (weasling to get out)
Him: c’mon (weasel)
Me: (freaking out, but appear, at least reasonably, calm) I don’t think so.. I’m going to leave now.
Him: are you sure?
Me: yes
Him: c’mon stay
Me: I’ll see you later
Him: (smiling smugly) yeah…

This time:
Him: do me a favor?
Me: No.
Him: no?
Me: No.
Him: Thank you.

Wow. Easy. Powerful. Good.

NO. :) I love it. Need to practice it a lot.

I got a little antsy and thought that I should leave, but true to form, “fuck it,” and kept swimming. And freak staring guy and freak squeaky shoe Eddie guy left and I was alone and able to relax and feel strong and a little proud. It put me in a really good mood for the rest of the evening.