Things that I wish I could take back or do over. True regrets. These things, for me, are generally not those things I didn't do or mistakes I made in my life. They are the impact I have on others' lives. That is: It is my behavior that generally brings true shame - but behavior that effects someone else's life. A harsh word, a negative jibe that has hurt someone else, effected their behavior or self esteem. I continue to live my life fine but those others are left to live with the ruins and live in the ashes.
Don't get me wrong - I don't think that I have that much power. And any one can take a criticism or a slam and just ignore it (given enough talent, willpower or bad hearing). What's the saying? No one can make you feel bad about yourself.. you do that on your own. ?
What I'm writing about here is my truly awful behavior. Apparently, just last weekend I told my rm, "You're so stupid!" or something of the kind. I didn't even know I said it. I don't remember saying it. But it sounds very much like me. Horrible. Just terrible. I am ashamed.
My bff had a boyfriend who was nothing but kind and sweet to me. And for awhile, I attempted to be friends with him. But my jealousy and my childishness won over. And I was abominable to him. Dictionary.com shows the meaning to be: Unequivocally detestable; loathsome. That was me. I don't even remember exactly the things I did to him. What I do remember is what bff told me I did/said to him. It made me cry.
How does one go about changing what one doesn't even know one does? It's like it is unconscious. I must try to be more conscious. I must think before I speak. Right. Well, I will certainly try. I don't wanna be cruel. And I don't want to be ashamed of myself.
We shouldn't have to live with regrets. We should live with robustness and with appetite. We should be grateful and happy. And treat everyone with the respect they deserve. I should remember that those that love me love me for a reason. And never, ever make them question that or feel hurt because I did an unthinking thing.
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