Uncomfortable.
Money. Lovely fricken money. Fantastic when you have it. A mother when you don’t.
Yeah, and I don’t. Wonderful, smart me wasn’t exactly paying attention and I spent and I spent and now I have nothing. Nope, for more than a week I will have to subsist from my credit card, which is precariously close to being maxed.
Lovely feeling, isn’t it? That feeling that you might not make it. What are you going to do? Not enough money for gas, food, lights, water. Actually, I have paid for lights. But not for water, or Hot water. And, strictly speaking, I haven’t paid for Hot or water in two months. So, yeah, they want their fricken money. As it is, I’m going to have to run from one account and take out half (of my lovely forty dollars-for the math geniuses out there that’s a twenty-dollar bill) take all the cash in my wallet (six smackaroos) and deposit it to cover gas (for car: already purchased) and pilates (check already written: but who knows when it will clear) and then call and beg my nutritionist to NOT cash the check I wrote last night for 60-some-odd dollars, because it will be as a giant rubber ball.
Back to the feeling of it. How does it feel? Have you felt that way? The “oh-my-gawd-I-have-not-enough, what-am-I-going-to-do-?” feeling and question that is indelibly tattooing its mantra through your head, through your veins, attacking your heart and then seems to ooze through your skin, so you stink of it? Ever felt that way?
Confession: I intentionally didn’t pay bills. Was freakin’ tired of having nothing. Nothing! So when I would be completely caught up and pay my Hot bill and my water bill: I didn’t. Just didn’t. B urged me not to do it. I said it would be fine. And the truth is, I would probably be fine, but I broke down and paid the light bill-which I had finally caught up, and therefore, wasn’t late yet. That’s right, folks! Wasn’t late (yet).
Bully for me.
So now that I’ve written my stupidity down. Ehh. Doesn’t feel too bad. But I have yet to start dwelling. And I live it. I move in, make a little space, plop down and begin to nest. I wrap myself in it – get all warm under the oppressive mantle and begin to smother and as the blanket blocks out most of the light, I begin to pray to I know not what that the lights will not go out, and I will make it through.
Ever felt like that? It’s damn uncomfortable. But yet, as it is known, it’s not scary or truly intolerable. That’s frightening.
Showing posts with label losing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label losing. Show all posts
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Anger
So, last night.
G is over with Mc. And Mc starts in on how month's ago at G's birthday festivities, I spilt water (seriously) and blamed him. I honestly didn't remember the interaction because that particular night I had just told off sister and was emotionally over wrought. But as he wouldn't let go, I began to piece together the incident.
And here is where the anger comes in. I didn't move. I didn't push my plate which, by chain reaction, caused another mysterious article on table to push into Mc's glass and thereby making it fall over, at which point Mc, rescued said glass (of water) and placed it back down on said trecherous table wasteland in aforementioned exact hazardous spot to, instantly and at once, fall completely over and spill all over table and splash several festivities participants. I apparently made flippant remark about dumbasses spilling some such.. and am instanly accused of causing said chain reaction by Mc, thereby making the entire incident my fault. Miracle of Miracles, people side with me, saying obviously I didn't spill water. Mc is humiliated.
Whatever. Humiliated over spilt water.
Ok, back to anger. Who cares? Happened months ago. Was water. Mc didn't have to clean it up, was at restaurant. Was not really public--just a few close friends who could give a rat's ass, except to laugh at each other's foibles.
G is my BEST friend. Or at least used to be. Now that G is involved in long term relationship, I am back seat baggage that only once in a while gets hauled out and gone thru, just to make sure what's still in there. And of couse, when needed. (That's not exactly fair, but who cares? My blog. Fuck you.)
Mc is selfish. Spoiled. Bratty. Mc has to have everything Mc's way. Mc is going to be 30 soon. One would think Mc might eventually grow up. But would you? If everyone continually gives in to you? I'm not sure that I would, except that I have. Because I feel bad if people have to go sooo completely out of their way for me. Constantly. All the time. For no reason. Other than to appease my ego. I mean, once in a while, sure. We all need an ego stroke. But all the time? Get over it. Get over yourself.
Oh, yeah, anger.
So what, in the last (?) 5 years, G has sided with me once. Over a glass of water, that everyone saw him spill.
But Mc had a cow (apparently) with G over incident. Why didn't G trust Mc? If G didn't see the beginning of the chain reaction (ie Me evilly pushing plate-to cause another unnamed object to push into evil glass of water) which he at once Rescued, but Mc saw said happen, why didn't G believe?
Ok, fuck you, Mc. It isn't as if I saw (or all of us for that matter) you standing over a bloody corpse with a knife and I said something damning like, "You murdered him. Ha ha." And then people believed me, and your partner of (?) 5 years has to have faith that you wouldn't kill someone. It was a glass of water.
Ok, so you have little fit in privacy of own home with partner.. accuse accuse. Fight over (eventually). But then to bring up retarded subject months later? What's the matter with you? Was your manhood so impuned, your honestly so taken into question, your ego, your spirit, your soul, so crushed that you cannot recover because someone once believed me over you?
Let me repeat, fuck you.
In the years that I have know you, you have been a horrible partner to my best friend. You are selfish. You have to have your way, all the time. You never, ever compromise. Never, not once.* You spent months (read: over a year!) out of work, forcing the supposed most important person of your life, the one you supposedly love more than anything, to work double duty To pay all bills. To be the adult while you got to carry out your childish fantasies.
And I pushed these things aside. But I am angry that you don't seem to be making any progress at all. You don't seem to be growing as a person, to be maturing, to be wisening, to becoming more of a complete, whole person.
Old fears and hurts resurfaced. In the five or so years that you've been with my best friend, I have felt so much pain. As my best friend continually choses you over me. Believes idiot things you say, over me. Believes you to be funnier, kinder, smarter than me. Fine. Love is honestly blind. I can't wait for someone to think I'm the funniest person in the world, the smartest, the cutest, the nicest, etc. And it hurts when Mc says some horrible thing (or I've started it this time), and the responses fly-- and G always always sides with you. Implies that I am somehow, not as... smart, or nice, or whatever. That Mc is right, that Mc is always, always right.
Lugging out the entire arsenal, years of pent-up hate, and hurt, and disappointment to be directed towards you. I long to tell you how you don't measure up, how you don't deserve all that you get. How when you make a mistake, you don't have to pay for it, others do -- in blood, sweat and tears. And you just go skipping merrily on your fucking way (exept to say, why they were mean. Of course they were you fucking moron. It's punishment. Everyone else let you off the hook. They are there to wake your ass up--let you know that you fucked up--but you still don't get it.)
But I have to stop. I cannot tell you what you so desperatly need to hear. I can't put my best friend in that position, not only because, of couse, I will certainly loose, but because I don't want to hurt G, to make things harder on G. To tell G, your long-term partner sucks, and is sucking the life from you.
But I will be more mature, and I will compromise.
Pity, because I feel like being childish. I feel like hurting people, and destroying myself.
* Wonder of Wonders! We all went to a movie on Saturday night. Instead of doing Mc's first choice, he compromised. Perhaps he is growing after all. Perhaps I've grown enough to enable me to see it.
G is over with Mc. And Mc starts in on how month's ago at G's birthday festivities, I spilt water (seriously) and blamed him. I honestly didn't remember the interaction because that particular night I had just told off sister and was emotionally over wrought. But as he wouldn't let go, I began to piece together the incident.
And here is where the anger comes in. I didn't move. I didn't push my plate which, by chain reaction, caused another mysterious article on table to push into Mc's glass and thereby making it fall over, at which point Mc, rescued said glass (of water) and placed it back down on said trecherous table wasteland in aforementioned exact hazardous spot to, instantly and at once, fall completely over and spill all over table and splash several festivities participants. I apparently made flippant remark about dumbasses spilling some such.. and am instanly accused of causing said chain reaction by Mc, thereby making the entire incident my fault. Miracle of Miracles, people side with me, saying obviously I didn't spill water. Mc is humiliated.
Whatever. Humiliated over spilt water.
Ok, back to anger. Who cares? Happened months ago. Was water. Mc didn't have to clean it up, was at restaurant. Was not really public--just a few close friends who could give a rat's ass, except to laugh at each other's foibles.
G is my BEST friend. Or at least used to be. Now that G is involved in long term relationship, I am back seat baggage that only once in a while gets hauled out and gone thru, just to make sure what's still in there. And of couse, when needed. (That's not exactly fair, but who cares? My blog. Fuck you.)
Mc is selfish. Spoiled. Bratty. Mc has to have everything Mc's way. Mc is going to be 30 soon. One would think Mc might eventually grow up. But would you? If everyone continually gives in to you? I'm not sure that I would, except that I have. Because I feel bad if people have to go sooo completely out of their way for me. Constantly. All the time. For no reason. Other than to appease my ego. I mean, once in a while, sure. We all need an ego stroke. But all the time? Get over it. Get over yourself.
Oh, yeah, anger.
So what, in the last (?) 5 years, G has sided with me once. Over a glass of water, that everyone saw him spill.
But Mc had a cow (apparently) with G over incident. Why didn't G trust Mc? If G didn't see the beginning of the chain reaction (ie Me evilly pushing plate-to cause another unnamed object to push into evil glass of water) which he at once Rescued, but Mc saw said happen, why didn't G believe?
Ok, fuck you, Mc. It isn't as if I saw (or all of us for that matter) you standing over a bloody corpse with a knife and I said something damning like, "You murdered him. Ha ha." And then people believed me, and your partner of (?) 5 years has to have faith that you wouldn't kill someone. It was a glass of water.
Ok, so you have little fit in privacy of own home with partner.. accuse accuse. Fight over (eventually). But then to bring up retarded subject months later? What's the matter with you? Was your manhood so impuned, your honestly so taken into question, your ego, your spirit, your soul, so crushed that you cannot recover because someone once believed me over you?
Let me repeat, fuck you.
In the years that I have know you, you have been a horrible partner to my best friend. You are selfish. You have to have your way, all the time. You never, ever compromise. Never, not once.* You spent months (read: over a year!) out of work, forcing the supposed most important person of your life, the one you supposedly love more than anything, to work double duty To pay all bills. To be the adult while you got to carry out your childish fantasies.
And I pushed these things aside. But I am angry that you don't seem to be making any progress at all. You don't seem to be growing as a person, to be maturing, to be wisening, to becoming more of a complete, whole person.
Old fears and hurts resurfaced. In the five or so years that you've been with my best friend, I have felt so much pain. As my best friend continually choses you over me. Believes idiot things you say, over me. Believes you to be funnier, kinder, smarter than me. Fine. Love is honestly blind. I can't wait for someone to think I'm the funniest person in the world, the smartest, the cutest, the nicest, etc. And it hurts when Mc says some horrible thing (or I've started it this time), and the responses fly-- and G always always sides with you. Implies that I am somehow, not as... smart, or nice, or whatever. That Mc is right, that Mc is always, always right.
Lugging out the entire arsenal, years of pent-up hate, and hurt, and disappointment to be directed towards you. I long to tell you how you don't measure up, how you don't deserve all that you get. How when you make a mistake, you don't have to pay for it, others do -- in blood, sweat and tears. And you just go skipping merrily on your fucking way (exept to say, why they were mean. Of course they were you fucking moron. It's punishment. Everyone else let you off the hook. They are there to wake your ass up--let you know that you fucked up--but you still don't get it.)
But I have to stop. I cannot tell you what you so desperatly need to hear. I can't put my best friend in that position, not only because, of couse, I will certainly loose, but because I don't want to hurt G, to make things harder on G. To tell G, your long-term partner sucks, and is sucking the life from you.
But I will be more mature, and I will compromise.
Pity, because I feel like being childish. I feel like hurting people, and destroying myself.
* Wonder of Wonders! We all went to a movie on Saturday night. Instead of doing Mc's first choice, he compromised. Perhaps he is growing after all. Perhaps I've grown enough to enable me to see it.
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