Particularly low.

It’s odd. I don’t know why. Yes, I do. I weighed today. I told myself I wasn’t going to weigh for 2 weeks and I did. And I was really up. And I guess it’s good that I didn’t weigh in front of my nutritionist and see how high I was and now I can get down to the nitty gritty and really work on my meal plan, except for I’m not. I feel like binging. I feel like eating until I just plain pass out. And I am at work and I just was walking to the vending machine to purchase something.. which I never do, because I have no need because there is always chocolates or something out.. but I want to eat so much that I wasn’t going to go get some out of the communal bowl, because I was going to be taking way more than my share (what’s new?). But I turned around and decided that maybe I should go to the recovery site, but instead I am going to pour my little heart out here. On this page.

I feel awful. I feel fat. I feel sad. I feel like eating. I am not hungry. I had my shake and now I feel like chewing and chomping and biting.

I went to the mall on lunch break thinking I could buy something cute to boost my self-esteem. Reasons why you should never try to purchase a heightening of your self esteem: 1) Rarely, if ever do you find something you really love for a price that seems reasonable, which means that you inevitably buy something you don’t like that much for too much money, or conversely, something you will probably never wear because it’s cheap. This leads to guilt. Guilt over how much money you spent and how that money could have gone to a better purpose and how are you going to make this garment fit into an overly full closet, where it will hang with tags until you donate it many moons later. 2) If you do resist the purchase, you feel worse. That won’t look good on me (read: my body is misshapen). That isn’t cute enough/too cute (I can’t wear fashionable clothes).

Better now. Went for a walk. Revived my senses. And feel better.

It’s odd.