Again Sad

I haven't posted in a few days because I've been really very sad.
Nothing to say that's witty or funny or even anything beyond wallowing in my sadness.

And there's a whole bunch of anger. Anger scares me. I believe it can cause cancer if it continues unchecked. (I am not! saying! that everyone with cancer caused it by being angry! I just believe it can poison a system and that poison can contribute to cancer.) I do. I believe it.
Also, this anger I'm feeling - doesn't seem to have a beginning or an ending. It just is. It's kind of like oxygen. It's surrounding me and entering into my lungs and then flowing into my veins fueling every part of me - and also poisoning like dirty air, polluted and foul.

Mostly I am just splintered. A shard stabbing there, a piece breaking off here.
Many years ago, I was doing a little dance, in my house, in my bare feet. I stepped on an earring full on and the pain was so intense, I twisted my ankle hard and broke it. Actually, it shattered. This is apparently what happened because it happened so fast, I was on the floor in intense pain. I kept walking on it and it kept getting worse: more pain, more swelling. Only years later, after I had broken it again and x-rays were taken did the tech say, "You've broken your ankle before," did I know that that moment, I shattered something vaguely important and it would haunt me endlessly. I had never taken care of it, precisely. That's a story for another time. But I have these shards floating around in my ankle that never healed.
Now, every once in awhile, one of the shards from that faithful, funny dance hit a nerve, and I crumble and fall into a heap from the pain of it all.
This is what my depression/grieving feels like. Except it's not months and years between events. It's hours and days. I'm just going about my business and Bam! huddled mass writhing in pain on the floor.

This is me. Angerball and hideous misery circulating through me trying their best to fuse and become one.

I'm damn tired of it. And there's anger there too. Anger at myself for feeling this way. And anger begets anger.

Now what?

I've been taking more of the seroquel. Hoping it will help. Sleep is not coming easy. Only pain. That comes easy enough.