Unconscious

So. I've been mediating on the whole losing weight thing.
And. I can see me being fit and thin.
But for some reason this brought up the unhealthy in me.  The need to make a fucked-up decision (mistake) so that my life will continue to spiral and suck.
So. Apparently I've been envisioning seeing my ex.  (This also might have to do with the fact that I'm hard up. I need some bad.)

So what do I dream about? I dream about seeing him.  But I'm trying to see him again - at a motel or something.  And I can't see how to get my car over this canal (or whatever) so I'm going to cross on foot. And I fall in and get gross and wet. And when I finally get to our motel room, he's taking care of himself, if you get my drift.  He stops momentarily when I kind of crash in on him. But then begins again.  And I think, "I could join in if I blow him." And then I think, "Naw. I don't want to.  That'll take care of him.. but won't do a thing for me."  So I go in and take a shower to get the crap off of me.

So really here's my unconscious self yelling out "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY! Don't do this! Look at what would happen! You'd get stuck, covered in shit and still, you'd be without. Just don't do it."

I'm going to take the hint - for now.  I want to be able to promise myself I won't be that stupid, but I can't seem to make it stick.  I hope so.  It would be a complete waste of time, energy, money, self-esteem, brain power and would bring a new level to my shame.  Let's just not do this.