Unconscious

So. I've been mediating on the whole losing weight thing.
And. I can see me being fit and thin.
But for some reason this brought up the unhealthy in me.  The need to make a fucked-up decision (mistake) so that my life will continue to spiral and suck.
So. Apparently I've been envisioning seeing my ex.  (This also might have to do with the fact that I'm hard up. I need some bad.)

So what do I dream about? I dream about seeing him.  But I'm trying to see him again - at a motel or something.  And I can't see how to get my car over this canal (or whatever) so I'm going to cross on foot. And I fall in and get gross and wet. And when I finally get to our motel room, he's taking care of himself, if you get my drift.  He stops momentarily when I kind of crash in on him. But then begins again.  And I think, "I could join in if I blow him." And then I think, "Naw. I don't want to.  That'll take care of him.. but won't do a thing for me."  So I go in and take a shower to get the crap off of me.

So really here's my unconscious self yelling out "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY! Don't do this! Look at what would happen! You'd get stuck, covered in shit and still, you'd be without. Just don't do it."

I'm going to take the hint - for now.  I want to be able to promise myself I won't be that stupid, but I can't seem to make it stick.  I hope so.  It would be a complete waste of time, energy, money, self-esteem, brain power and would bring a new level to my shame.  Let's just not do this.

Again. New and Hope.

Ok. I don't know what this blog is supposed to be about. Other than it is about me. And my thoughts. I guess that it's ultimately about my struggles. My struggle to be the best me I can be.

I've finally figured out that is what I want. I want to be the best me possible. Perhaps, that way I can be happy. That way--I can find purpose in my life. Maybe. Maybe.

Hopefully.

Of course, there are some less lofty goals that I have. Like wanting to be able to pay my bills. Wanting a new car, wanting to travel, wanting a hot boyfriend with a crazy, hard body. Eh, I wouldn't mind a sick, hard body for myself either.

With my craziness, how do I trust the new path I'm on now?  Well, I don't know.  But I can tell you, I feel more like myself, more me than I have in a long time, maybe more than I ever have.  I know it's the fancy cocktail of designer drugs and I know that I have to continually adjust and check in with myself to make sure I don't lose myself.  There is fear involved.

So I'll try to be honest. I'll try to follow-through. And follow-up. And I have a lot of work to do - studying and traveling and working and schmoozing and exercising.  This is what I have to do.

So this is what I'll do.

Too much

So, I guess that internet dating site sees when you are at the site, for whatever reason. And the more you are on the site, the higher it puts you as a search result.
?
Is this true?
Because all of a sudden my inbox is blowing up! Too many! Too many!
All with the ever-present Eww! and Yuck!

Maybe I should just remove my profile because, let's be honest, I'm in no shape to start a relationship.
______________

On a different topic, and I know it is too soon, I am feeling much better. Yes, yes. I *know* that it is too soon for the new medicine to work. And I am just having an "ok" day which I have anyway, from time to time.
But I am worried that I am having high blood sugar and that I am developing diabetes. I have been getting dizzy - for no reason, and then getting nauseated - for no reason. Oooh, and let's not forget - oops, already forgot. (OOPS! ALREADY FORGOT!!!)

Well. I have no idea what I was going to write there. Moving on.

Anyway, I'm going to start checking my sugar and see where I stand. Really, not looking forward to that. I did look online and a couple of different sites read that if you exercise, eat right and shed a couple of extra pounds, you can effectively stave off diabetes.
So here's hoping!

What the H? It's 10 am already?

Ok.

So.

I have not been writing but I've been thinking about it a lot. I've been writing posts in my head and reading other people's posts and thinking, "Hey! They said what I'd like to say, but waaay more eloquently than I ever could." And let's be honest, my last couple of posts sucked. Yeah, I said it and you read it. They Sucked.

I've been thinking about what I'd like to say and what kind of theme this blog should have and who I am and who I'd like to be. It seems like a stupid, muddled up thing. I am who I am, right? Yes, but no. I always want to be more. I am never comfortable with where I am now. I am never, ever forgiving of who I am. And we can always change, right?

Can we always change? Because I'm doing a shitty job of changing. I'm still fat, still unhappy, still 40 (Although I'm *totally* not. I will cut you.), still fighting mental illness, still not in a relationship, - wow, this is NOT cheering me up. Point is: I haven't been doing a great job of changing.

I've even stopped my whole "I'm fucking 40 and I don't want to look 80" regime. I haven't been washing my face at night. I haven't been flossing. I haven't been moisturizing or sunscreening or giving a shit. I'm lucky to fucking brush my teeth and wash my hair.

I've been eating ice cream. And M&M's. And pizza. Oh, by the fucking way: Girl, remember how you don't eat Asian food because you fucking throw up? Yeah, stop fucking eating pizza. You throw up, you fucking moron! (Said with love.)

Work is getting out of control. Everything is slipping. The "trying to be a good daughter" shtick is getting real old. And now, being on the meds - I'm not caring so much. They're numbing me out - just a bit - just enough. Just enough to not want to die, but to let everything fall apart, too.

And I'm busy. I'm trying to spend time with friends and family and make more friends and create this life that I want.

How do I make the life I want? How do I stop whining about it?

Do something fucking interesting!

I am so over me right now. Forgive me if I take a break - this is getting ridiculous.