Just A Little Bit

I've been doing just a little bit of writing. And a bit of social networking (read: tweeting my ass off). I have been trying to make my business more visible on the web. Suffice it to say that I'll never be a millionaire.

Well, that's not fair.  Maybe, just maybe I can scrimp and save and make it to one meellyon dollars (gotta say it evil).

BUT the point is - I have been writing. Doesn't seem to be funny, which is a shame as my other blog I've posited that it's a humor blog. I think you all know that my other blog is about dating and the absolute winners I find out there - plus some rants added in for spice (that is to say, no one. No one reads this blog so you - who don't exist - wouldn't know about my other blog because you don't exist.) 

Wow!  Look at that, I'm off topic again.  Back on point: I have been writing. I have been doing what I have set out to do. And I believe that's a positive thing. I don't believe anyone is truly reading these and I had to re-arrange my twitter account(s) so that I could be more anonymous, but I did that and am putting pen to paper, or in my case fingers to keyboard, and sitting down and typing for more than five minutes.  I am trying. I am doing away with any excuses that I come across and just doing it. The results are . . less than perfect but there are results.

That leads me to another thought.  This blog was originally just stories and things that happened to me and then I tried to turn it into a weight loss blog, all the while crazy was being mixed in.  So I guess I'll just write what I feel to get something on paper so to speak. It'll probably still be about crazy and weight loss and girly dumb thoughts, but it's my blog or diary so you don't have to read it. ! (heehee. you aren't.)

I am still trying my hand at weight loss using a new method that hopefully won't bankrupt me.  I type this as I am eating a DQ Blizzard. Truly.

I am still trying to navigate small town politics and business and people and trying to get my business started.  I am really in trouble on this one.  I am hemorrhaging money. Dollars. American. It sucks.

I am still trying to work on my relationships including friends and family.  This has been difficult.

Do you remember in Sixteen Candles when Molly Ringwald runs back in the church for her sister's veil and the crotchety organ player was walking down the aisle? Molly says she's getting her sister's veil - she was a little bit out of it. Crotchety woman's reply: Just a little bit. I feel like Molly - navigating the horror of high school and interpersonal relationships between family, friends and friends-not-so-much. Just a little bit.  Give my underwear to a geek. Get to kiss the hottie at the end because I'm nice.  Just a little bit.  Do a little here.  Do a little there.  

Girls. Or How I Wasted My Weekend.

I totally did waste my weekend.  *Totally* 
Ha!
I wasted time all weekend.  It felt wonderful.  I watched tv. I watched so much tv. Oh, gawd. It was good. Today, I actually had a nap.

I did not know if I liked or really hated GIRLS. I caught up on the episodes. And I liked them.

I really needed to work and work and work. I've been running in circles trying to accomplish - what exactly?  Success!  That's what I've been trying to accomplish.  Does one accomplish success?  One attains it.  I, for one, have not attained success.

How is it, when I reached a certain age, I figured something out. But not really.  I mean, I figured out that I wanted to work hard and attain something for myself.  And that something is a bit of business success.  Not much, really.  Just to be profitable and be able to pay myself a living wage.  And maybe more than that. Someday.
Yet, I haven't figured out how to do that.
And frack! I'm about to have ANOTHER birthday.  Seriously.  Another one.
And I'm trying to be amenable and take on a business partner.  That's fun. That'll work out well.  Well, truly I hope it will.

And so.  So, I've been running around trying to do my work, trying to do her work, trying to go to school to create a new life.
Yeah.
That's going to work out.

Again. New and Hope.

Ok. I don't know what this blog is supposed to be about. Other than it is about me. And my thoughts. I guess that it's ultimately about my struggles. My struggle to be the best me I can be.

I've finally figured out that is what I want. I want to be the best me possible. Perhaps, that way I can be happy. That way--I can find purpose in my life. Maybe. Maybe.

Hopefully.

Of course, there are some less lofty goals that I have. Like wanting to be able to pay my bills. Wanting a new car, wanting to travel, wanting a hot boyfriend with a crazy, hard body. Eh, I wouldn't mind a sick, hard body for myself either.

With my craziness, how do I trust the new path I'm on now?  Well, I don't know.  But I can tell you, I feel more like myself, more me than I have in a long time, maybe more than I ever have.  I know it's the fancy cocktail of designer drugs and I know that I have to continually adjust and check in with myself to make sure I don't lose myself.  There is fear involved.

So I'll try to be honest. I'll try to follow-through. And follow-up. And I have a lot of work to do - studying and traveling and working and schmoozing and exercising.  This is what I have to do.

So this is what I'll do.

A Sunday mid-October

The weather here is starting to lighten up. Not by much, granted, but at least when you're in an air-conditioned room or house, you're actually cool. Unlike during the height of the summer and you walk into a room from the outside and for a moment it's like heaven and then you realize, it's hot in there too.

OOOH. I maybe mis-spoke. It's gonna be a hundred today. Ewww. But it is cooling down nicely overnight. I think. Maybe I'm just turning the a/c down lower. That is a distinct possibility.

Eh, it's always hot until Halloween. I always say that and it's always true. You go out and you buy a very light, nearly-naked costume because it has been so freaking hot and then Halloween night comes (which let's face it, is November) and it is Cold. Not cold like the mid-west but Phoenix cold.
________________

I was riding a high of my accomplishments all through Friday and I crashed and burned yesterday. Ahhhh, Depression. I cannot forget you.

Had a nice dinner with my cousin last night. The brain doctor. (Fancy, right?) Anyway, it was pleasant, as it always is. Then we went and saw a small play. Wow. Powerful stuff. Then came home and hung out for awhile with Mc. Let me tell you, at this time in my life, I really appreciate having him around. And so I told him.

What a difference feeling good makes. *There's* an understatement. But seriously, I was cleaning the shower and the toilet, I was moisturizing, I was wearing mascara (gasp!). Oh, I was taking vitamins. Last night, I was so tired / uncaring I didn't even take my crazy pill(s).

G came over and rescued me yesterday. I had locked myself out with the dogs. Heh. I just picked up the phone to call him. I got as far as the area code and remembered that he is busy today. He is always busy. - It was super nice of him to come and rescue me (said without sarcasm). What followed felt like torture, though. It just felt awkward and it felt like he wanted to leave but didn't know how to tell me he had to leave and that I would accuse him of not really having to leave and he was trying to avoid a fight. Eh, probably my fault because Mc got a puppy without asking me and I asked if G thought that was ok and G kinda went off on me about it. G thinks it's ok. Obviously. -Problem is: we are just Not Connecting. At all. On any level. He is so busy and I am not useful to him. It's a problem. A major problem. He's being a shitty friend. Maybe so am I. I just can't figure out what to do differently.

Ok. I'm gonna get myself and my crapola together and get Dad some breakie. Then I have to plan the evening meal. Boo.