Just A Little Bit

I've been doing just a little bit of writing. And a bit of social networking (read: tweeting my ass off). I have been trying to make my business more visible on the web. Suffice it to say that I'll never be a millionaire.

Well, that's not fair.  Maybe, just maybe I can scrimp and save and make it to one meellyon dollars (gotta say it evil).

BUT the point is - I have been writing. Doesn't seem to be funny, which is a shame as my other blog I've posited that it's a humor blog. I think you all know that my other blog is about dating and the absolute winners I find out there - plus some rants added in for spice (that is to say, no one. No one reads this blog so you - who don't exist - wouldn't know about my other blog because you don't exist.) 

Wow!  Look at that, I'm off topic again.  Back on point: I have been writing. I have been doing what I have set out to do. And I believe that's a positive thing. I don't believe anyone is truly reading these and I had to re-arrange my twitter account(s) so that I could be more anonymous, but I did that and am putting pen to paper, or in my case fingers to keyboard, and sitting down and typing for more than five minutes.  I am trying. I am doing away with any excuses that I come across and just doing it. The results are . . less than perfect but there are results.

That leads me to another thought.  This blog was originally just stories and things that happened to me and then I tried to turn it into a weight loss blog, all the while crazy was being mixed in.  So I guess I'll just write what I feel to get something on paper so to speak. It'll probably still be about crazy and weight loss and girly dumb thoughts, but it's my blog or diary so you don't have to read it. ! (heehee. you aren't.)

I am still trying my hand at weight loss using a new method that hopefully won't bankrupt me.  I type this as I am eating a DQ Blizzard. Truly.

I am still trying to navigate small town politics and business and people and trying to get my business started.  I am really in trouble on this one.  I am hemorrhaging money. Dollars. American. It sucks.

I am still trying to work on my relationships including friends and family.  This has been difficult.

Do you remember in Sixteen Candles when Molly Ringwald runs back in the church for her sister's veil and the crotchety organ player was walking down the aisle? Molly says she's getting her sister's veil - she was a little bit out of it. Crotchety woman's reply: Just a little bit. I feel like Molly - navigating the horror of high school and interpersonal relationships between family, friends and friends-not-so-much. Just a little bit.  Give my underwear to a geek. Get to kiss the hottie at the end because I'm nice.  Just a little bit.  Do a little here.  Do a little there.  

ok. So

Yeah, so.

I am disappointed.  I don't know how else to describe what I am feeling.  But he's the asshole, right? So why let him make me feel bad?  And what is that (stupid) saying?  Something like, no one can make you feel something that you don't give them permission to make you feel. ?  Huh?  
Whatever - it's me choosing to feel disappointed, right?

Ok, so.  I'm trying the stupid internet fat-girl dating site.  And I swear! there are at least 90% scammers on there.  And this last one . . . I've had my guard up but he was taking so long and being nice and talking about god, etc.  So I started to believe that he was nice.  What a fucking joke!
Tonight, he asked for me to "borrow" some money to him.  Yeah.  Fucking fucker with the fucked-up understanding of fucking English.

Hmph.  So.  Here I am.  Trying for real, finally, to take a step forward and attempt to live my life and fully experience the human condition.  And here are these stupid asses trying to cheat fat women out of their money.  Like fat = gullible = stupid and trusting and, apparently, rich.
 
And... as I am writing this, I have to laugh (almost).  This is part of the human condition, isn't it?  You put yourself out there and some of the people are assholes and maybe there are more assholes than not.  And if you are really lucky (or destined, whatever) you find the one diamond in the rough, right?

Ok.  So.

Now what, exactly?  I'll keep trying I guess.

Where to start?

Any ideas?

Victory, sort of.

I've been feeling very sad. And that is such an understatement that I don't even have words to describe how lacking they are to tell you how sad I've been.

It's like all the joy in the world has been murdered.

And this week at work . . . well, it's a deadline week. So much needed to be done - including my parents' tax return.

I started the day on a roll and quickly got many things accomplished and felt pretty darn pleased with myself. I knew pain would come - and I let it. I sat alone in my office and cried and did my parents' tax return. After the first few waves of grief, I calmed down for a good portion of the day and was able to work the data in front of me. I skipped over the rental and the business and just went through the rest of the information. When it was time, I had to swing back to the business and enter the information there. It started new, fresh pain. And I cried.

I cried for a good portion of the evening but finished the return. Maybe it was cleansing, maybe not - but it was necessary. I did what was needed and finished the tax return. Good for me.

P.S.
Also: I had pleasant dreams last night. A welcome relief.
Also: they starred a handsome man whose picture I've posted before. Heeeee. I was a dork in my dreams, just as I'd be in real life. So much for fantasy.