Truth to Fact

Indiana Jones said, "Archaeology is the search for fact... not truth. If it's truth you're looking for, Dr. Tyree's philosophy class is right down the hall."

(I'm quoting him because everyone wants to be Indiana Jones.)

I think it might be true that I'm a writer. Maybe. I know I'd like to be one. I'd like to spin tales of loveliness, of beauty, of transformation and growth. I'd like to heal the planet, heal nations, heal arguments between brothers and, maybe, just heal one. Maybe I could be that one.

I look at bloggers and micro-bloggers and see the impact that they have. I look at the lasting legacy of Shakespeare or The Beatles' Lennon and McCartney, Philip K. Dick or even Stephen King. I see how all of these writers make people feel. Some of them make you feel better, some inspired, some afraid of what trouble the world can get into, but they all make us curious. We all turn the page, scroll the screen, or listen for the next note and the lilted word doesn't disappoint.

I have a flair for the dramatic. My stories are all tall tales. The fish was this big and I walked up hill going both ways. But am I a writer? An author? Can my words make it to paper?

And if I say yes? Yes, in truth I am a writer. How do I take that truth, that essence, and turn it into fact, into my reality? The easiest answer is to say: “Write.” Have a thought: write it down. String some thoughts together and there you go. I guess some writers are like that but it has never been like that for me. 

What is my higher self? What is it telling me to do? Is it to slim down or stay fat? Is it to be controlling or like Shaggy on Scooby Doo and go with the flow?  

Wait. I think I got off point here. Or did I? My higher self isn't a procrastinating asshole, is it? My higher self is a thin, beautiful (young) writer who eschews the hum-drum path most followed and goes her own way never once asking for love or reassurance that she does matter.

Let’s take it back to Indy. He came, he helped, he kicked ass and then went back to his life and taught. Not every day was running away from boulders and tribesmen who steal hearts (literally) and Nazis that melt or finance biblical antiquity scavenger hunts. He was a professor. He probably had to write some excellent findings to keep his job, you know “publish or perish.” But he balanced it all. Except he couldn’t seem to keep a relationship going: he had no kids, no wife. He probably had a housekeeper (his house looked neat and orderly). You know it really was unfair that in the fourth one (I like them ALL!!), that Marion had to deal with the entirety of raising a child and making an instant family for Indy when he was ready. Maybe his higher self is the asshole. Sorry Feminist reading there. (I really think I’ve taken the path less travelled with this logic.)

BUT. His life (while fictional) was fact. He didn’t spend it searching for truth – he sought the verifiable i.e. fact. He didn’t think about it, he did it.

My life (while fact) is fictional. I am many, many things but none of them real. I have to learn to transform my thoughts into actions and my actions into being. And by being, I will make my reality. I want to be verified and verifiable. I want to be living deliberately, letting my higher self lead the way down a path that will blossom into a path of authenticity, truth and validity. And action. Otherwise, none of these things will happen. I need to start.

I’ll start now. I start now.

I want to be a professor of medieval literature. I want to be a novelist.

I want to be a weekend flautist. I want to be a potter. I want to be a painter. I want to be an architect (and I want to go to Northwestern).*

* Extra points if you know where this originated. No? That's ok, I'm a total girl.  "Never Been Kissed" said by young, lovely Aldys.

Victory, sort of.

I've been feeling very sad. And that is such an understatement that I don't even have words to describe how lacking they are to tell you how sad I've been.

It's like all the joy in the world has been murdered.

And this week at work . . . well, it's a deadline week. So much needed to be done - including my parents' tax return.

I started the day on a roll and quickly got many things accomplished and felt pretty darn pleased with myself. I knew pain would come - and I let it. I sat alone in my office and cried and did my parents' tax return. After the first few waves of grief, I calmed down for a good portion of the day and was able to work the data in front of me. I skipped over the rental and the business and just went through the rest of the information. When it was time, I had to swing back to the business and enter the information there. It started new, fresh pain. And I cried.

I cried for a good portion of the evening but finished the return. Maybe it was cleansing, maybe not - but it was necessary. I did what was needed and finished the tax return. Good for me.

P.S.
Also: I had pleasant dreams last night. A welcome relief.
Also: they starred a handsome man whose picture I've posted before. Heeeee. I was a dork in my dreams, just as I'd be in real life. So much for fantasy.

Good news.

A little off topic, but still.

Three women were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize yesterday. All three work for equality and social justice. That's amazing! Good for them. Good for us.

Ellen Johnson Sirleaf
Leymah Gbowee
Tawakkul Karman

I wish you Love

This morning while getting ready and the myriad of things was tumbling through my mind, I started thinking about Nathan Fillion. Who, let's face it, is wonderful. And I was thinking about a tweet he sent out yesterday in support of his past castmate from Firefly, Dr. Simon Tam, or in the real world - Sean Maher!

Sean Maher just came out of the closet in a spectacular interview. In it he expressed regret that he never told his Firefly castmates because he felt, even now, that they were like family. There were a flurry of tweets, this way and that, all supporting him. I did not know any of this because I did not "follow" anyone besides Mr. Fillion. I read the tweet from Fillion to Maher and it read essentially that it is sad for anyone to be suffering because of who they are and we loved you then and we love you now.

Wow. Nice, right? I replied to both of them that they were class acts. Not the best response to be sure, but there you go.

So this morning I was thinking about Fillion and Maher and how Maher was happy and a dad and in a long-term relationship. And I thought, I wish them Love. My next thought was, "That's all I ever wish for people: Love."

And it's true. I wish it, with all my heart, in all its fragments. I wish them, everyone of them, everyone of you, Love.

And I wish it for myself.

And so, if I wish it for myself, why do I not strive for it? What does it mean for me to have Love in my life? What would it take for me to have Love in my life? Why am I not giving myself love? (Big L and small l.)

And so here we go again folks.

I am striving yet again to treat myself better. To treat myself with Love/love.

No more sugar.
Exercise, with care.
Take care of outside, take care of in.
Treat self as precious -- as if a mother holding her first babe.

This is day one.
And already I forget. But I try, try.

Let's be forgiving, shall we?

Let's endeavor for Love, aim for it, manuever towards it, focus on nothing but it.

Love.

I wish it for all of us.

-Electricity. E-lec-tri city

So. Hi! My daily wrap up is gonna come early because guess who doesn't have electricity at her abode today? That would be me. Did you guess me? Cause you are soo smart!

I have NOT made a list of things I want. That list is supposed to help push me in the right direction. Although, I suspect that there will really only be a couple of things on that list.

-Stuff like:
***Get healthy -- be thin.
***Travel more.
***Spend time with family and friends.
***Get a sex life. (whoops! tmi?)
***Enjoy self more -- stop stressing little things.

Huh. That wasn't so hard. I think that is my list, honestly.
The "sex life" thing would have to be in the confines of a loving relationship, but still. It's a goal, right? OOOH. I just realized I put "enjoy self more" under "sex life." I guess that's one way to go about it. Heeee.

------

We are staying in the motel again tonight. So I'm off to buy shampoo because Imma not gonna go to our back-woods hovel just to pick up shampoo. Spending spree it is!
Also: I was going to make dinner tonight. I guess we'll have to eat out again. Oh, darn! (Actually, a simple meal was sounding good to me. Oh, well.)