What do you do if you've known your entire life that what would make you happy is to find the other half of your soul that's somewhere out there in the great-big world?
And you ache for it, yearn for it.  That second part of yourself that will make you whole?
I'm been listening to a book on tape that has taken a romantic turn and now I'm maudlin.  I'm so sad.

You see, I know, I've always known what I really want out of life.  I've always wanted to "be happy." And that happiness, for me, can only come with the terrible, horrible soul-crushing, up-lifting, painful, joyful binding of me with another.  The perfect "other," the one other that completes me.
And how sad is it and how true it is that from a very early age, I knew that I was going to be alone. I would make all my decisions on my own, I would not share my responsibilities with a special "other," nor share my milestones with that one person, either.
And I've not put myself out there.  I haven't actively looked because of fear.  And I'm damaged.  I've had pain and disease inflicted upon me.  And the character flaws that I was born with that seem to me I shall never overcome, have not helped.  It seems they were perfectly fitted to compliment each other so that I will remain alone forever.

A Sunday mid-October

The weather here is starting to lighten up. Not by much, granted, but at least when you're in an air-conditioned room or house, you're actually cool. Unlike during the height of the summer and you walk into a room from the outside and for a moment it's like heaven and then you realize, it's hot in there too.

OOOH. I maybe mis-spoke. It's gonna be a hundred today. Ewww. But it is cooling down nicely overnight. I think. Maybe I'm just turning the a/c down lower. That is a distinct possibility.

Eh, it's always hot until Halloween. I always say that and it's always true. You go out and you buy a very light, nearly-naked costume because it has been so freaking hot and then Halloween night comes (which let's face it, is November) and it is Cold. Not cold like the mid-west but Phoenix cold.
________________

I was riding a high of my accomplishments all through Friday and I crashed and burned yesterday. Ahhhh, Depression. I cannot forget you.

Had a nice dinner with my cousin last night. The brain doctor. (Fancy, right?) Anyway, it was pleasant, as it always is. Then we went and saw a small play. Wow. Powerful stuff. Then came home and hung out for awhile with Mc. Let me tell you, at this time in my life, I really appreciate having him around. And so I told him.

What a difference feeling good makes. *There's* an understatement. But seriously, I was cleaning the shower and the toilet, I was moisturizing, I was wearing mascara (gasp!). Oh, I was taking vitamins. Last night, I was so tired / uncaring I didn't even take my crazy pill(s).

G came over and rescued me yesterday. I had locked myself out with the dogs. Heh. I just picked up the phone to call him. I got as far as the area code and remembered that he is busy today. He is always busy. - It was super nice of him to come and rescue me (said without sarcasm). What followed felt like torture, though. It just felt awkward and it felt like he wanted to leave but didn't know how to tell me he had to leave and that I would accuse him of not really having to leave and he was trying to avoid a fight. Eh, probably my fault because Mc got a puppy without asking me and I asked if G thought that was ok and G kinda went off on me about it. G thinks it's ok. Obviously. -Problem is: we are just Not Connecting. At all. On any level. He is so busy and I am not useful to him. It's a problem. A major problem. He's being a shitty friend. Maybe so am I. I just can't figure out what to do differently.

Ok. I'm gonna get myself and my crapola together and get Dad some breakie. Then I have to plan the evening meal. Boo.

Victory, sort of.

I've been feeling very sad. And that is such an understatement that I don't even have words to describe how lacking they are to tell you how sad I've been.

It's like all the joy in the world has been murdered.

And this week at work . . . well, it's a deadline week. So much needed to be done - including my parents' tax return.

I started the day on a roll and quickly got many things accomplished and felt pretty darn pleased with myself. I knew pain would come - and I let it. I sat alone in my office and cried and did my parents' tax return. After the first few waves of grief, I calmed down for a good portion of the day and was able to work the data in front of me. I skipped over the rental and the business and just went through the rest of the information. When it was time, I had to swing back to the business and enter the information there. It started new, fresh pain. And I cried.

I cried for a good portion of the evening but finished the return. Maybe it was cleansing, maybe not - but it was necessary. I did what was needed and finished the tax return. Good for me.

P.S.
Also: I had pleasant dreams last night. A welcome relief.
Also: they starred a handsome man whose picture I've posted before. Heeeee. I was a dork in my dreams, just as I'd be in real life. So much for fantasy.

I am sad today

I got up and went to the doctor. Pretty standard, really.
I called my father and met him up at the car repair place. More money going to the car - but it's old, it needs some TLC. Plus: it got us through our cross-country odyssey, so it deserves a break today. Ha!
We went to a soup and salad bar for lunch/breakfast. It was a nice change of pace.
Went back to his place and I finished up the laundry, folded and put away, etc. I also washed this footstool/cube thing that my mother had purchased that had goodness-knows-what all over it. I'm hoping putting the cube under the one side of the bed will make it less tilt-y and easier for me to get out of it.
I just am sad. Crying, really. A little, anyway. As much as I'll let myself, which isn't much.
Mc bought a dog. She's a tiny little thing. A Boston Terrier that actually squeaks when she barks. That'll get annoying really quick! But we went for a walk - all of us, Mc and his new girl and me and my two girls. Let's hope a little exercise will get me out of my depression.

What the H? It's 10 am already?

Ok.

So.

I have not been writing but I've been thinking about it a lot. I've been writing posts in my head and reading other people's posts and thinking, "Hey! They said what I'd like to say, but waaay more eloquently than I ever could." And let's be honest, my last couple of posts sucked. Yeah, I said it and you read it. They Sucked.

I've been thinking about what I'd like to say and what kind of theme this blog should have and who I am and who I'd like to be. It seems like a stupid, muddled up thing. I am who I am, right? Yes, but no. I always want to be more. I am never comfortable with where I am now. I am never, ever forgiving of who I am. And we can always change, right?

Can we always change? Because I'm doing a shitty job of changing. I'm still fat, still unhappy, still 40 (Although I'm *totally* not. I will cut you.), still fighting mental illness, still not in a relationship, - wow, this is NOT cheering me up. Point is: I haven't been doing a great job of changing.

I've even stopped my whole "I'm fucking 40 and I don't want to look 80" regime. I haven't been washing my face at night. I haven't been flossing. I haven't been moisturizing or sunscreening or giving a shit. I'm lucky to fucking brush my teeth and wash my hair.

I've been eating ice cream. And M&M's. And pizza. Oh, by the fucking way: Girl, remember how you don't eat Asian food because you fucking throw up? Yeah, stop fucking eating pizza. You throw up, you fucking moron! (Said with love.)

Work is getting out of control. Everything is slipping. The "trying to be a good daughter" shtick is getting real old. And now, being on the meds - I'm not caring so much. They're numbing me out - just a bit - just enough. Just enough to not want to die, but to let everything fall apart, too.

And I'm busy. I'm trying to spend time with friends and family and make more friends and create this life that I want.

How do I make the life I want? How do I stop whining about it?

Do something fucking interesting!

I am so over me right now. Forgive me if I take a break - this is getting ridiculous.