New Worries

So I am thinking that I am getting diabetes. This is not some idle worry or threat. My mother had diabetes, my father has it, both of my grandmothers had it. My grandfathers died before they could get it. They had bad tickers.

The seroquel is said to raise your blood glucose level. Read: sugar. So I've decided to again try to go off of sugar.

Seriously, this is a pain in my ass. And I'm addicted to it like a drug. Last night. Eeek! I don't even want to write it for fear of making it worse and more real.
Deep breath. Last night, after dinner, I checked my level. It was 241. That seems awfully damn high to me. Dad said not to worry, we'd check it this morning before breakfast. It was 115. I thought that was pretty damn high also. He said not to worry -- over 120 is bad.

So once I got to the office, I googled it. Fasting glucose (sugar) levels should be below 100. Over 100 but below 125 is probably pre-diabetes. And here's the thing (well one of the things, anyway), I've been having to pee a lot lately. So much so that I was thinking maybe I was broken down there or maybe I had a urinary tract infection. Nope, that's just a sign of diabetes. That and the thirst I have all of the time lately.
And slow healing. This one doesn't really count because I've always healed very slow (when comparing to others).

Anyway. I'm not usually one of those persons who trolls webMD and then thinks they have whatever they've read. But I do think this is real. And I seriously need to get my shittake in order. I mean really.

One of my professors said once, "You can warn someone the train is coming, but sometimes people don't believe you until they get run down." Is that me? Am I going to get mowed down and then - ? Who will I have to blame? Myself? I already do that all the time anyway.

Gotta start working out too. Let's see if we can slow this train down a bit. Or get the hell off the track. Seriously.

I am sad today

I got up and went to the doctor. Pretty standard, really.
I called my father and met him up at the car repair place. More money going to the car - but it's old, it needs some TLC. Plus: it got us through our cross-country odyssey, so it deserves a break today. Ha!
We went to a soup and salad bar for lunch/breakfast. It was a nice change of pace.
Went back to his place and I finished up the laundry, folded and put away, etc. I also washed this footstool/cube thing that my mother had purchased that had goodness-knows-what all over it. I'm hoping putting the cube under the one side of the bed will make it less tilt-y and easier for me to get out of it.
I just am sad. Crying, really. A little, anyway. As much as I'll let myself, which isn't much.
Mc bought a dog. She's a tiny little thing. A Boston Terrier that actually squeaks when she barks. That'll get annoying really quick! But we went for a walk - all of us, Mc and his new girl and me and my two girls. Let's hope a little exercise will get me out of my depression.

FEELING (uncomfortable)

OK.

I need to just feel. I’ve been trying to think through all of my problems: all of my weight control/eating issues & dilemmas. And I have been wondering why I stuff myself with food so I don’t have to feel the feelings, because the feelings (or feeling the feelings) make(s) me uncomfortable.
Obviously. Always known this. Haven’t I?

I need to just feel.

This morning I started freaking out (perhaps it started yesterday) because I should not have weighed myself, and yet after weighing myself yesterday (another no-no), I knew that today I would probably be less than 300 pounds. (That’s right chickadees, I’m massive.) (OK ENOUGH WITH THAT KIND OF TALK!) Well, I wasn’t. And I guess I should have felt relived, but I didn’t. I think I started panicking. But I don’t know. Because I don’t know what I feel, ever.
----side note: Nutritionist asked: “What’s it going to feel like to weigh under 300?” I didn’t have an answer. I was thinking, “Normal,” but I knew I shouldn’t say that. I thought it would feel exactly the same—sort of numb, I guess. So instead I replied, “I don’t know.” Also the truth. I don’t ever Know how I feel.

All day today, I’ve been feeling hungry. Or I think it’s hunger. Do I really know? Perhaps I do not.
-----flashback: Scene: An mid-1970’s California burger chain Carl’s Jr. A young flawed-heroine (very young) eating burger and fries with nice young friend and young friend’s mother. And eating everything. And young friend saying she’s full. And young heroine remarks that she isn’t. And parent is mildly astonished. And young heroine replies that she never gets full, she just starts to get a stomachache. And parent and young friend share momentary glance and parent tells young heroine that the stomach ache IS full.

I’ve been writing down differing feelings of my body (read: stomach) and my responses to them and if/what I eat on sticky notes while at work. An attempt to feel my feelings and recognize . . . patterns, perhaps. I’m not sure. I’m sure there was logic behind it originally.

I think I’m panicking at the idea of losing the weight. That’s why I’ve stopped. But I haven’t really been gaining because I won’t give up.

That’s it: I won’t give up.
I cannot.

I will get over this hump and it will be a memory.