Plan for today

Well. I've already blown it. My plan for today was to get drunk. I poured myself a huge stein of margarita on the rocks and I've got heart burn already.

Yeah. Lovely.


OOOH! I just saw The Muppets last night. It was the most enjoyable movie I have seen in quite a long time. It was good, really.

Well. I've done it.

I've gotten everyone pissed off at me. Again.
Well. I don't have much to say . . . other than - well, why am I always the asshole? And honestly, I can be quite the asshole. But today, I don't really think I was being a jerk.

I've been quite depressed and haven't been doing much, but as it's Sunday, I picked up my dad and we went for brunch at a Santa Fe style Mexican restaurant. And as my sister has been roosting at my father's, she came too. And then she wanted to hang out with me today. I just wanted to lay in bed as I had done the previous day. But I decided I could not face Walmart alone, I agreed. (I had to go to Walmart to purchase her medicine.)
We shopped, we watched some tv, we went back to Walmart and we then cooked.
I asked Mc to come down with the new puppy and that's when I did it.

Later, Sister was all, I think you pissed off Mc. Whoops! Because I didn't mean to. It really had not a lot to do with me. But my delivery of information and probably, my timing played a part too. And now it's going to be a snow-ball effect. He's gonna be mad at me and at G, who in turn will be made at me. Oh, and Sister's already irritated with me. So there ya go. Only M is not mad at me. And probably B. But B isn't talking to me right now.
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I went to the doctor again on Friday. He upped my meds. I finally asked the pharmacy at Wally-world how much the med will be a month. Yeah. Almost $200. Something like $177 per month, I believe is what she said. Better be some good shit for that much.
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OH! I have to say that I am in LOVE with ABC's "Once Upon a Time." In L-O-V-E. So good.

It is combining fantasy with life in today's world which is the curse. So living in today's world is the punishment! HA! They got that right!



I also like - Well, everything. Let's hope it continues to surprise and enthrall me
as it has been doing.

Improvement

I checked my blood sugar level this morning and it was 80. I think that's good.
And today, while missing my mother terribly, it was more of an ache, dull, than an all-consuming spasm of pain wracking my body, especially my chest.
That's an improvement, right?

New Worries

So I am thinking that I am getting diabetes. This is not some idle worry or threat. My mother had diabetes, my father has it, both of my grandmothers had it. My grandfathers died before they could get it. They had bad tickers.

The seroquel is said to raise your blood glucose level. Read: sugar. So I've decided to again try to go off of sugar.

Seriously, this is a pain in my ass. And I'm addicted to it like a drug. Last night. Eeek! I don't even want to write it for fear of making it worse and more real.
Deep breath. Last night, after dinner, I checked my level. It was 241. That seems awfully damn high to me. Dad said not to worry, we'd check it this morning before breakfast. It was 115. I thought that was pretty damn high also. He said not to worry -- over 120 is bad.

So once I got to the office, I googled it. Fasting glucose (sugar) levels should be below 100. Over 100 but below 125 is probably pre-diabetes. And here's the thing (well one of the things, anyway), I've been having to pee a lot lately. So much so that I was thinking maybe I was broken down there or maybe I had a urinary tract infection. Nope, that's just a sign of diabetes. That and the thirst I have all of the time lately.
And slow healing. This one doesn't really count because I've always healed very slow (when comparing to others).

Anyway. I'm not usually one of those persons who trolls webMD and then thinks they have whatever they've read. But I do think this is real. And I seriously need to get my shittake in order. I mean really.

One of my professors said once, "You can warn someone the train is coming, but sometimes people don't believe you until they get run down." Is that me? Am I going to get mowed down and then - ? Who will I have to blame? Myself? I already do that all the time anyway.

Gotta start working out too. Let's see if we can slow this train down a bit. Or get the hell off the track. Seriously.

Too much

So, I guess that internet dating site sees when you are at the site, for whatever reason. And the more you are on the site, the higher it puts you as a search result.
?
Is this true?
Because all of a sudden my inbox is blowing up! Too many! Too many!
All with the ever-present Eww! and Yuck!

Maybe I should just remove my profile because, let's be honest, I'm in no shape to start a relationship.
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On a different topic, and I know it is too soon, I am feeling much better. Yes, yes. I *know* that it is too soon for the new medicine to work. And I am just having an "ok" day which I have anyway, from time to time.
But I am worried that I am having high blood sugar and that I am developing diabetes. I have been getting dizzy - for no reason, and then getting nauseated - for no reason. Oooh, and let's not forget - oops, already forgot. (OOPS! ALREADY FORGOT!!!)

Well. I have no idea what I was going to write there. Moving on.

Anyway, I'm going to start checking my sugar and see where I stand. Really, not looking forward to that. I did look online and a couple of different sites read that if you exercise, eat right and shed a couple of extra pounds, you can effectively stave off diabetes.
So here's hoping!

Doctor. And Sad.

I went to the doctor today to get a refill and tell him I'm taking more of the med than he prescribed.
And he added on Cymbalta. And this stuff, yeah, it's supposed to be like a miracle drug. So let's see if it produces some miracles.
And I was really sad thinking about things. And the sun was not out --which always makes me sad. And then trying to explain to the doctor that I don't want to get as bad as last time. That I'd rather be dead than get that depressed and get that lost again. But I don't want to say that - because I don't want him to get all worried that I'm going to do myself harm. Because I don't want to do myself harm. And as I don't really believe in an afterlife - unless there is reincarnation - I don't want to be nothing under the ground. So, yeah, I don't want to be dead. At least not yet.
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But!
I did text every one. And I did say - Hey, let's have a dress up party. And I put constraints on it. To Not Spend Money. Because, let's face it, we're all poor.
So my idea was this: Go pull something, some concoction out of your closet. Something we, hopefully, haven't seen before. A weird combination of clothing and turn that into a costume. So you could be slutty or dirty or fancy or a hipster doofus. I guess you could wear pajamas or that fancy, fancy dress that you bought but don't have an occasion to wear. That was my idea.
Plus, make it a pot luck. And everyone bring one bottle and we'll mix them all together and make a witch's brew.
We voted and Saturday night seems to be the night.

Something to look forward to. I hope it goes well.

I'm hoping that I am not too fat to wear this pretty, fancy, stupid dress that I bought - for no purpose other than it was on clearance and was sooo pretty, I couldn't not buy it. Let's see shall we?

Wish me luck.

Confession

Mc made me sign up for an internet dating site. It's free, so that's something.

But the more I think about it, the more oogie it seems. It's like we've found an entirely new way to meet people who are unsuitable for ourselves. And I like to take things slowly and these guys are: BAM! Here's my phone number! Bam! Text me! Bam! Let's have coffee.

Yeah, no.

Mc is of the opinion that I need to let go of fear. I think I just need to let go and just forget dating. It seems so yucky and so - plastic. Like: here is my face at a certain angle in 2D and here are the selected things I'm going to tell you about myself to put myself in a particular package and wrap it up nicely with a bow.

It's so fake and uncomfortable. I'll report back from the trenches.

Did I just post a reminder?

Because I just had some orangecicles. They were good. I can Stop All Sugar now.
I can. But I am going to the ballet with Tm and I'm sure I'm gonna have some drinks. Let's get this party started!
Hee. That's how I roll.

Reminder

I am striving yet again to treat myself better. To treat myself with Love/love.

No more sugar.
Exercise, with care.
Take care of outside, take care of in.
Treat self as precious.

This what I wrote - not even a month ago.

I think I needed a reminder. How about you?

Oh! and a pretty picture to help us remember that we deserve handsomeness in our lives.

Thanks imdb - oh, and Ray Stevenson. Pretty.
:)