D.

Dick. How is it possible that one man could infect my soul so? As I lie awake, I regret what will never be, what never was. Hmph. Am I just hiding from men? I remember when we first really started to see each other or talk to each other almost every day. And then the possibility became real. I'd lie awake petrified. Petrified that it could actually happen. And then it was gone and I accepted it. And I lie awake turned on. Turned on. That man has stolen more sleep than . . or is it just this illness? I'm so tired. And that's it, isn't it? That first year when I couldn't sleep and I just knew something, something was wrong. And finally it occurred to me, I haven't not slept since I went on prozac all those years ago. It was like a miracle drug, because it straightened out my brain almost immediately. And I slept. And slept. It became my most favorite pastime. But I digress. This illness, which is stealing my sleep now, which made me fixate on D, which has led to a whole host of bad decisions, is back. Is here to stay, apparently. Or would I have done those things anyway? Would I have lain there anyway thinking of him? Would I have fixated on something/one else anyway? Would I have made the other bad decisions?
Am I pushing my mother for a place in the city because I'm crazy? Am I crazy? I'm certainly not getting the best sleep. Sleep needed to make good decisions. Unsurety and guilt have become my new bedfellows. And we ain't sleepin'. We lie there together, unsure and uncomfortable. And what do we do next?
The condo isn't perfect. It isn't pristine. It needs a coat of paint or two. The yard could be a little bigger - but it's a condo, how big do those yards really come? It's in a (I believe) up and coming neighborhood. It's relatively close to work. It's fairly huge, for a condo. The kitchen is large. Has a washer and dryer. Has 4 bedrooms. 1 3/4 baths. What else could we need? I don't know. She's stalling and I'm feeling guilty. I need just to face it and move on. I need this place. I need to move forward. I've lost too much sleep to fear and uncertainty. If it doesn't work out: oh, well. Life happens whether I go out and greet it or not. I must open the door and walk out and just stir it up. Fuck with it. Learn new things. About myself. Push myself to grow. Search and strive for the life I want. I need to push. I need to strive, to yearn, to get off my ass and fuck it all up. It's time. I must do something - no matter what. I will not live in fear anymore. I will not hide behind fat. or in fat. or wait until no fat. that's not what life is waiting for. It's passing me by.
Make a decision. Do something. Let it be bad. Life is happening. Live it.