D.

Dick. How is it possible that one man could infect my soul so? As I lie awake, I regret what will never be, what never was. Hmph. Am I just hiding from men? I remember when we first really started to see each other or talk to each other almost every day. And then the possibility became real. I'd lie awake petrified. Petrified that it could actually happen. And then it was gone and I accepted it. And I lie awake turned on. Turned on. That man has stolen more sleep than . . or is it just this illness? I'm so tired. And that's it, isn't it? That first year when I couldn't sleep and I just knew something, something was wrong. And finally it occurred to me, I haven't not slept since I went on prozac all those years ago. It was like a miracle drug, because it straightened out my brain almost immediately. And I slept. And slept. It became my most favorite pastime. But I digress. This illness, which is stealing my sleep now, which made me fixate on D, which has led to a whole host of bad decisions, is back. Is here to stay, apparently. Or would I have done those things anyway? Would I have lain there anyway thinking of him? Would I have fixated on something/one else anyway? Would I have made the other bad decisions?
Am I pushing my mother for a place in the city because I'm crazy? Am I crazy? I'm certainly not getting the best sleep. Sleep needed to make good decisions. Unsurety and guilt have become my new bedfellows. And we ain't sleepin'. We lie there together, unsure and uncomfortable. And what do we do next?
The condo isn't perfect. It isn't pristine. It needs a coat of paint or two. The yard could be a little bigger - but it's a condo, how big do those yards really come? It's in a (I believe) up and coming neighborhood. It's relatively close to work. It's fairly huge, for a condo. The kitchen is large. Has a washer and dryer. Has 4 bedrooms. 1 3/4 baths. What else could we need? I don't know. She's stalling and I'm feeling guilty. I need just to face it and move on. I need this place. I need to move forward. I've lost too much sleep to fear and uncertainty. If it doesn't work out: oh, well. Life happens whether I go out and greet it or not. I must open the door and walk out and just stir it up. Fuck with it. Learn new things. About myself. Push myself to grow. Search and strive for the life I want. I need to push. I need to strive, to yearn, to get off my ass and fuck it all up. It's time. I must do something - no matter what. I will not live in fear anymore. I will not hide behind fat. or in fat. or wait until no fat. that's not what life is waiting for. It's passing me by.
Make a decision. Do something. Let it be bad. Life is happening. Live it.

Party in the front. Business in the back.

I don't care what people have said, Bono never had a mullet. His hair wasn't, "business in the front." He had it spiky and sticky uppy, even though it was shorter in the front. I think VH1 decribed it as a "power mullet" or the best mullet ever, or somesuch. But I disagree.
He's magic.
I'm supposed to start matching my instructors hours, which is going to make for one long-ass day, yo. Word to ya mother.
Holla at your girl.
Blayne was voted off on PR. I really liked him, even if his stuff was, well, I didn't like it at all. But I don't think anyone has been very fashion forward this season, anyway. Boring, boring, boring. And is it Leann? What's with those crazy ribbony layer things? All the time. ALL the TIME. Ugh. Getting tired of those. Also, what's going on with Klum's snarky ass? And Kors'? "Hello?"
I am so tired. Woke up about 3 and this day - with the earliness of the departure at 3:45, I just lumped it and got up to write in my lovely blog or ylog (short for diary log - hehe).

I maybe found a condo in the city. My mom is supposed to come up to see it, but I don't know how I feel about it. Maybe buyer's remorse already? Ugh! I dunno. More on that later.

Fat.

I'm so fat. Today. And everyday. And as an added bonus: after yesterday's little tramp up and down, my left knee really hurt today. Only on stairs. Going up. Which apparently every time I feel the little grinding and take a step up, I burn 3 calories. That's the number my trainer at work gave me. I have no idea whether she knows what she's talking about or not. But I do know that she is against abortion. Her favorite color is purple. She's diabetic. She super-duper loves me. She's LDS. She volunteers. She gives her clothes to a lady at work that is less fortunate. She helps a clerical lady who is functionally illiterate at work.
What's up with the Blu-fLie dot com commercials? (I did it like that because I don't want to give them any publicity - or have them sue me and my fabulously popular blog.) Why is she naked? Who cares? Apparently no one if you're a skinny twig with tits. Let my fat ass get out there and they'd be stopping me for a "security issue."
What the hell do they sell anyway? Apparently they think they're in fashion. Ha! little joke.
I had drinks tonight. And a super fatty lunch. AND then on the way home I stopped and got a Jack-N-Crack new york style cheese cake. I was seriously counting my dollars (two) and all my change in my ashtray for money so I could buy it. It was a measely buck 59. Can you believe it? With tax, still way under 2 bucks. It's smaller than it used to be, but still waaay yummy.

I did good. This morning I got up and strolled with the doggies, took out the trash and cleaned (ever so slightly) on the yard. Good for me! But right now I should be cleaning in the house. My neck is sooo stiff and hurtie. Pilates could not come too soon tomorrow.

Anyone out there care about my exploits? No? me neither. hehe hehe hehehehe. hmmm. ok. well, good night sweet B, if you come and read my silly blog. Have a better day tomorrow. I'll call, k?

Rude.

I published (or tried to) a pithy, short little post yesterday. And it didn't make it. It's lost for all time to the past. Because I have no idea what I wrote. Something fabulous, I presume.
I'm reading the Dresden Files and I must say they are utterly entertaining, if nothing else. It's at the climax and yesterday I couldn't read enough. But this stupid sleeplessness that I have makes it hard to focus. Hopefully soon I will start sleeping the night through and not just from exhaustion. Speaking of exhausting - I tramped up and down stairs yesterday. Just to see if I could and for the exercise. Wow! I'm basically useless. Why, oh why, is going up so much harder than going down?

Tired, So very.

HERE IT IS- I found it - not so brill afterall. hmmph.

:) I'm surviving my first week. BUT my stamina is shit. I know I've said it before and I'm saying it again, MY STAMINA IS SHIT.

Tomorrow is Friday! And apparently it is dress down day. Casual Friday, as it were. Is? Was? Anyway..

It's gonna be good. I'm really, really hoping that I get to have only a half day, sorta. More on that later.

So I'm on this website and it's a dating website, but not for fat girls and it was soo busy trying to figure out who to email and what to say and they were im-ing me left and right and it Got tO Be TOO MUCH PRESSURE! OMGoodness! So I took off of my name and deleted my account and then got really bored, so about a week later put my stuff back as it was. Anyway. No responses. Guess I screwed up. So there's this one guy who's in cincinnati - as in oh.hi.o. I mean really what's the point? but at least I didn't have this terrible pressure to respond everyday and to meet like tomorrow. I just don't get men, I guess. So fast, fast, fast. But I guess they don't get me. Which leads to my current condition. oh, well. ANYhoo-(I actually NEVER say that because it's sooooo lame, but I like writing it - go figure. So if you must, you can substitute ANYWAY in there.) I've been writing this guy (cincinnati) and have nothing left to say. ugh. Think maybe I'm just too tired right now, or I just don't care. Or both. Can't figure it out.

I'm tired.

Hi. I need to go to bed. I'm gonna try. I miss you so much., sweet Sleep.

I'm still at it.

So. I got up and made one of my protein smoothies, which I call shakes. Like it bettah. Anyway. Yumm. This time I added a nectarine instead of the usual strawberries to round out the oj and bananas - and then added some strawberries (not many) to round it out, anyway. Seriously good.
I slept almost the entire night! But it was the whole I-don't-know-if-I'm-awake-or-asleep nights. I hate those. And woke up very tired. But I guess it's better than the I'm-definitely-awake nights that I have been having.
I took the doggies for a morning stroll. That's good. I'm feeling a little guilty about having a puppy and not having much energy for her. And b has slowed down since bshe got here. But I think overal she's happy to have someone (as bshe is totaly trying to engage b and b is trying to just turn away. eek.).
ANYhoo- my friend said she might read my blog and I was thinking this isn't so much a blog (think online log) as a online diary. So, with that in mind, let's get political. Anyone heard anything new about Palin, other than she's a completely inappropriate choice (or person, for that matter) who doesn't trust women nor apparently herself. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarah_Palin wait! they totally took down the part where she was pregnant and started leaking amniotic fluid and kept giving her speech and didn't go to the hospital for like 10 hours AND flew from TX to WA to AK. Um, aren't you supposed to NOT fly that far along????!!
Bitch. Think of all those sad people on the plane who wouldn't have made their connecting flights if she had to spread out in the aisle.
hmph.

I don't have time for this, but here's another link http://cityhallblog.dallasnews.com/archives/2008/09/sarah-palin-broken-water-and-h.html
and another. It's hidden somewhere in here: http://www.adn.com/626/story/382864.html

Slight Hopefulness. Like butterfly wings.

I went to Sprouts this evening. It was kind of exciting to be there buying healthy fare. I hope it means good things. Fruit. I love fruit. I bought apples and pears and nectarines and plums. MMMmmm. I purchased cage-free eggs and fat-free cheese. Mmm on the eggs. Umm on the fat-free cheese. But so much bettah for you (well maybe not you but me). I had cheese crips the other night and let me say: full on fat cheese and me are no longer on speaking terms. Well, at least not the the extent we were. I mean, we were full on lovers. Now we just slightly pet.
I wanna build little snackie-lunchie things. I quite excited by it. Damn that Starbucks. ;)
I've bought a power protein-y thing from the bucks of star yesterday. It had a hard-boiled egg, a mini-bagel w/pb, apple slices and a little cheese with some grapes. Today I had more of a freshie fruitie/cheese plate. Cheddar and asiago and brie with apple slices and grapes. Oh, and a little of their drier-than-fuck cranberry, raisin, walnut loaf that I stuck some of the leftover pb on.
No pressure. But I'm excited for B to move back. We can have healthy salads and lovely meals at home, for super cheap because they might actually get eaten. Hmmm. Ohmm.

Work was interesting-ish. Had computer training with a different lady. Kim or barbara or . . . Pat? Pat maybe. She was nice. And we had Angel, who was annoying. But at least I wasn't sitting there by myself. With the trainer. Which is what happened in the afternoon and which will happen tomorrow and for the rest of the week and continuing on for quite sometime apparently. ANYhoo- about Angel. She was trying to be helpful. And was the opposite. AND sOOOO reminded me of me 20 years ago (note: that was not a typo). Kinda knew it all and would try to be helpful. And would be exuberant (read super-hyper) (( actually just went to dictionary.com and exuberant - 1. effusively and almost uninhibitedly enthusiastic; lavishly abundant. 2. abounding in vitality; extremely joyful and vigorous. - that's all good. I wasn't always complimented as such. BUT that really was me. )) anyway. me being super hyper. Always. And wanted people to like me and had wild mood swings from depth of despair to the exuberance we were just discussing. (Or rather, I was writing because this isn't a conversation. Except for maybe me with me. ) Later, I was glad she was gone (Angel and me). But was a little sad (I wax poetic about the loss of my youth) not so much for Angel (just a little).

Let's get back to the food. Yes, let's. I am hopeful that I will get back on program and live happily ever after. Anyone else have hope lately? It shoud be "Got Hope?" and not mean anything Gesus-ie. I'm gonna try for the sleep. I have hope for that, as well. Wish me luck.

A Brand New Day!

Yesterday was my first day at my new job! (I didn't really feel like the exclamation - but it did deserve more than a period.) My trainer loves me. It's true. Apparently when she interviewed me (as part of a panel) I was her first pick. And the only one who worked out. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't every one's first pick. I was just hers. Note to self: stop being so fabulous and modest. :)
ANYWAY. Yesterday was my first day at my new job! And my trainer loves me! I think I'm gonna super like it (although little sad face about the money). And I survived it on no sleep - a little (read: lot) of caffeine and some guts.
I learned about ACROSS ACOPPERSTATE - which are standards by which we test whether someone is an employee or not. It kinda made me sad because I should have studied more in school.
The ASU stuff was fine. And I learned a helluva lot at GCC but I think the stress of tax season and school and mom's illness robbed me of a lot of what I learned and could have retained. I sat there wishing I had studied more (bears repeating). And I think I got a high B or an A in that one semester. It was only later that I started falling apart with the stress.

Well, I'm awake again and would like to try to go back to sleep. I don't know if that's a stupid idea or whether I should just stick it out.

For the next two days in training I should have computer systems illustrations, etc (training). For two days! Either there's one helluva lot of crap to learn or I'm gonna be soo bored!

Going back to the school notion. I wonder if I should try to go back or if I should just lump it and try to muscle through. I have not a clue on this one. Probably means I'll just muscle through.

Perhaps I should try to lie back down. My thoughts are all jumbled and I'm really tired.
:)
Here's hoping!