Dreams.

The sleeping kind.

I recently had a dream in which, now bear with me because I know that dreams are never interesting to people that did not experience them, unless of course you are receiving a hundred plus dollars an hour to be interested in them, I was doing ordinary things at home. Friends were over. And the object of my (secret) affection, so secret, in fact that most of the time I keep it hidden from myself, came up behind me and simply – not quite held me, but was just there. Like sitting at the kitchen table looking on the Internet for a movie and he put his hand upon mine to help guide the mouse. And I knew what it meant. And so did others – who became curious and obvious. At which point, I mouthed “SHUT UP.” And I was very happy. Very, very happy. The ordinary-ness of the day continued but with extra nice bits—like trying to sneak a moment when we were alone together. Feeling his presence behind me and knowing for certain it meant he cared too. I could feel the blossoming of my heart – with hope, with love, with possibilities.

I awoke from said dream with a lovely feeling. And then, I knew what it meant: that very day, I was supposed to go meet someone, a date someone. I would not be interested in this someone as I had been hoping against hope for my “friend” to return my feelings. That I was again mired in this hope. I was depressed. I had waited so long for him. I had to go have this “date” and attempt to like someone I probably wouldn’t, or couldn’t, like. I went and took a shower, just so I could be alone to cry. And cry I did. I had never shed a tear over my friend. He had never given me cause to. He is very gentle and kind (and obtuse) and sweet and polite and intuitive, but never malicious or mean.

I began to brood. I had waited so long. Sometimes I would feel that I had little signals that maybe he liked me too. But it was always too much to hope for, but maybe it was ok to hope. I had waited so long that I had told myself to stop waiting: it wasn’t going to happen. I then began to think that maybe he was waiting for me too. And it became clear: he was waiting for me! I had to get my S@%* (stuff) together, and quickly, because he’d been waiting a long time, too.

I felt good. I worked out (twice). I dreaded going out with my “date” and hoped something would happen to make it unnecessary to go – and put off doing homework. I made a plan of how I was going to stick to my meal plan and work out.

Even felt good – and excited on Monday at work. Talked to co-workers about feelings and dream. Half way through Monday, knew it was completely stupid.

Been trying to get the feeling back – hold on to it. Maybe it wasn’t stupid.. but the certainty of it is gone. Been trying to hold on to hope.

The Second Sleeping example.

Author’s Note: How very disappointing. Trying to dig to feel and to write this piece, I’ve lost the specifics of the lovely dream I had last night. Oh, well. I know that I dreamed of him again. It was sweet. Not as clear (even when I could remember). But still very sweet and very nice.

Does your subconscious really tell you what you need? Does it provide insight to solve your problems? Does it just show you what you wish for? I don’t think it predicts the future.

The Visions we have for ourselves.

The future and what it holds: why do I want to be slender and healthy and driving a convertible Porsche and living in a fairly big house with marble floors that are spotless and manicured lawns? Who do I see there with me?

See, I think what I’ve been dreaming is crap. I think it’s all about me and what I’ve been fixating on. I think it’s about my need to fixate. When I call him… it doesn’t feel at all like it does in my head.
True. I haven’t been making all these scenarios and possible clues up – but perhaps I am reading too much into, well, nothing. A friendly remark. A kindly smile.

So what do I want for myself? What vision do I hold for my future? And How Do I Get There?

I want to be strong.
I want to be slender and healthy.
I want love. As a subheading to love, I want a partnership. I want to find my other half.
I want to pay my bills and have leftovers.
I want to travel.
I want to stay put and not have to drive anywhere.
I want to be able to run away.
I want to be able to stand and fight.
I want to kick ass.
I want to drive fast and hard and wind up somewhere beautiful.
I want to walk out my front door, take a leisurely walk and find myself at the ocean.
I want to live in the desert.
I want to surround myself in sunlight.
I want to live where my nearest neighbor is a mile away.
I want to live in a high-rise in a big city.
I want love.
I want acceptance.
I want to be important.
To someone special
To the world
I want love. – I want to be wanted – I want to be desired. – I want to desire. – I want love.

I know that I am full of crap. I cannot keep a moment - a thought, an idea - and continue on with it. I cannot make it tangible. I am not one of those "successful" types - the ones who work and work and reach goals. I can't even keep my mind from changing like the ticking of a clock. Each tick leads to a different tock that keeps me going around the face of the clock: in circles - never changing, always just going around and around.

Work. Catch Up

Vegas, Baby!

So recently I went with a friend to see another friend and her friends in Vegas, Baby!
I drank so much I could hardly – drink anything more. And all the pumped in oxygen. Lovely, but not. Kept fooling me that I was rested – and fine, but really had no sleep, no food and way too much alcohol.
I gained 7 pounds.

Way UP.

Yeah, so I’m way up in my weight. Very disturbing. Working towards something and just backtracking enough to make it look like all my previous work has been in vain.
Who’m I kidding? I’ve been stalled for months now. Working on that.

Decided.

That I’m in love with someone. No longer in like. No longer just a crush. Perplexed as to what to do – but then thought, “He’s been waiting for you. But he’s not going to wait forever, so get your act together.” So decided to exercise harder. Drink my water. Not cheat on myself/meal plan and just go for it, flat-out.

Un-Decided.

What a stupid idea. Just plain dumb.

De-georged.

I haven’t been speaking with G for some time. Been 2 months. Very weird. Think our best-friend-ed-ness is over. At some point, I’m sure we will be friends again. But obviously not best friends. This wouldn’t happen to best friends. I will not call.

Work and School.
Need to work harder. Don’t seem to care about work at all anymore. Don’t really know why. Not sure that I care, either. But I know there’ll be hell to pay. That’s why I should care. I need to catch up. Stay ahead. Work harder. In every aspect of my life – work harder.

Particularly low.

It’s odd. I don’t know why. Yes, I do. I weighed today. I told myself I wasn’t going to weigh for 2 weeks and I did. And I was really up. And I guess it’s good that I didn’t weigh in front of my nutritionist and see how high I was and now I can get down to the nitty gritty and really work on my meal plan, except for I’m not. I feel like binging. I feel like eating until I just plain pass out. And I am at work and I just was walking to the vending machine to purchase something.. which I never do, because I have no need because there is always chocolates or something out.. but I want to eat so much that I wasn’t going to go get some out of the communal bowl, because I was going to be taking way more than my share (what’s new?). But I turned around and decided that maybe I should go to the recovery site, but instead I am going to pour my little heart out here. On this page.

I feel awful. I feel fat. I feel sad. I feel like eating. I am not hungry. I had my shake and now I feel like chewing and chomping and biting.

I went to the mall on lunch break thinking I could buy something cute to boost my self-esteem. Reasons why you should never try to purchase a heightening of your self esteem: 1) Rarely, if ever do you find something you really love for a price that seems reasonable, which means that you inevitably buy something you don’t like that much for too much money, or conversely, something you will probably never wear because it’s cheap. This leads to guilt. Guilt over how much money you spent and how that money could have gone to a better purpose and how are you going to make this garment fit into an overly full closet, where it will hang with tags until you donate it many moons later. 2) If you do resist the purchase, you feel worse. That won’t look good on me (read: my body is misshapen). That isn’t cute enough/too cute (I can’t wear fashionable clothes).

Better now. Went for a walk. Revived my senses. And feel better.

It’s odd.

V Day, Chocolate and Binge Eating

Freakin' Valentine's Day! What a lousy, made-up holiday! And we (read me) buy into it. I think it is more than just me. How much candy do we buy how bad do we feel if we don't have a valentine how ridiculous is it how long will this sentence go on?
Actually, I feel that I am fairly intelligent because I've found a solution. It was a really low point a couple of years ago, and my parents didn't get me anything and no one else did, either. The lowest was when (I was feeling sorry for myself) and my roommate came in with a big bunch of flowers. Now she doesn't have anyone either, but her dad got her some really nice flowers. So I then said "This is it! I am going to have a valentine next year!" (Actually, I believe I really probably uttered words very similar, if not those exact words.) And ever since that year, my roommate and I exchange gifts. It's taken the worry out of it. But it's still ridiculous.
AND THE FUCKING CHOCOLATE!
I have been off chocolate for like 3 weeks, and now-fucking bingeing at work. Fuckers! With their chocolate and love and heart-shaped cookies that are just fat rolled in sugar!
So . . experiment. I am still struggling with getting past that 3 digit nightmare and I've decided not to weigh my self for 3 weeks. By then, I should definetly be under and I won't even know it. I've asked RM to hide my scale and will tell the nutritionist tomorrow of my plan. We'll see how it goes.

By the by, I made my first post on my new web-board that I like. (good for me)
And I survived turning in my test and await the results with baited breath!

Oh, F@#$!!!

Ok, so it's Sunday, and I'm sitting at work. and we haven't had a client for about 35 mins so I endeavored to do some more of my homework--actuallly, it's a take home test. And I can't do it. I'm freaking out because I've worked really hard on this and now I just want to go home. And go to sleep. And never do math again. And give up.
Same thing with my recovery. And I got drunk last night (really felt I needed to--was so exhausted and just DONE with the math). And I weighed this morning.. and fuck. I'm screwed.
I want to give up-that is a LIE. I don't want to give up. I just want someone to do it for me.
I'm so tired.

FEELING (uncomfortable)

OK.

I need to just feel. I’ve been trying to think through all of my problems: all of my weight control/eating issues & dilemmas. And I have been wondering why I stuff myself with food so I don’t have to feel the feelings, because the feelings (or feeling the feelings) make(s) me uncomfortable.
Obviously. Always known this. Haven’t I?

I need to just feel.

This morning I started freaking out (perhaps it started yesterday) because I should not have weighed myself, and yet after weighing myself yesterday (another no-no), I knew that today I would probably be less than 300 pounds. (That’s right chickadees, I’m massive.) (OK ENOUGH WITH THAT KIND OF TALK!) Well, I wasn’t. And I guess I should have felt relived, but I didn’t. I think I started panicking. But I don’t know. Because I don’t know what I feel, ever.
----side note: Nutritionist asked: “What’s it going to feel like to weigh under 300?” I didn’t have an answer. I was thinking, “Normal,” but I knew I shouldn’t say that. I thought it would feel exactly the same—sort of numb, I guess. So instead I replied, “I don’t know.” Also the truth. I don’t ever Know how I feel.

All day today, I’ve been feeling hungry. Or I think it’s hunger. Do I really know? Perhaps I do not.
-----flashback: Scene: An mid-1970’s California burger chain Carl’s Jr. A young flawed-heroine (very young) eating burger and fries with nice young friend and young friend’s mother. And eating everything. And young friend saying she’s full. And young heroine remarks that she isn’t. And parent is mildly astonished. And young heroine replies that she never gets full, she just starts to get a stomachache. And parent and young friend share momentary glance and parent tells young heroine that the stomach ache IS full.

I’ve been writing down differing feelings of my body (read: stomach) and my responses to them and if/what I eat on sticky notes while at work. An attempt to feel my feelings and recognize . . . patterns, perhaps. I’m not sure. I’m sure there was logic behind it originally.

I think I’m panicking at the idea of losing the weight. That’s why I’ve stopped. But I haven’t really been gaining because I won’t give up.

That’s it: I won’t give up.
I cannot.

I will get over this hump and it will be a memory.

Today, so far.

Tuesday morning.
Yesterday was the last Monday evening in which I will get to go home and relax for a few precious moments before school. Starting next week (Monday), I will be leaving work, going straight to Pilates, and then go straight to school. I am hoping that the traffic gods are kind and I might have a chance to stop at Pita Jungle for dinner before Pilates. Probably, in the scheme of things, not the best idea—to eat before working out, but I will be famished and possibly unable to make it as I won’t have time after Pilates/before school to stop to pick something up. And I won’t get out of class until 9:15 pm. OH! Plus I might get to see James. Very important point.
Class last night was pretty good: after some scary moments when I opened my book, and couldn’t figure out at all what I was supposed to be doing—thinking, “oh, fuck, I’m fucked.” I had just informed G that I was one day from being fucked. And it was untrue, I was already fucked! But, alas, I had skipped ahead and was trying to do the homework after last night, i.e. we hadn’t learned to do that yet.
So I was relieved and mildly happy. And I declare that I will do my homework from now on. No exclamation point.

Recovery.
I am still searching for information/help about ED (CO and BE). Ha! Just kidding that is Eating Disorder(s), Compulsive Overeating, and Binge Eating (Disorder). I’ve found a site called something fishy dot org. Strange site, but I am feeling better today. And will continue to check in there and maybe join a support group and/or board.

Yesterday, I was very upset and was looking at Rader Programs. Have you ever seen a commercial for Rader? I remember them from years ago..and every once in a while I will catch the same commercial and just cry like a baby. Or rather weep. Yes, I am that sick. I can’t see how I could stop my life, my job to go. If that time were to come, I think I’ve past it.

But something fishy dot org is nice. And I’ll do more reconnaissance and report back any findings. But I am definitely feeling more hopeful today. I’ve read a few articles and printed off a little saying. Maybe. Maybe.
:)

Help and uncomfortable

I am more uncomfortable in my skin than one (who knew me) might realize. Maybe not. Maybe, I am completely transparent.

I am on an odyssey. I am attempting to change myself, to better myself, and to grow. Grow into what? A better human being.
In short: I am trying to lose weight.
But it is more than that. Let me repeat: I want to change.

Right now I’m having difficulty. I am on the verge of a full-blown eating disorder (ED). I cannot stop thinking about food, weight, what I eat or how I’ve failed. I cannot stop eating. Not right now. I’ve tried to switch to overeating things that have less calories, and therefore, won’t be as bad for me. But I’m still eating. And eating. And Eating.

I’ve always been a compulsive eater. A social eater. A comfort eater. And let’s not forget an emotional eater.

It is getting worse, after a period of getting better. (Or so I thought.) I need help. And here’s the thing. I’ve been looking for help on the Internet. And so far, nothing.

Probably the best group would be OA (Overeaters Anonymous). But, as they base their 12 steps on Alcoholics Anonymous, they have a big relationship with God. I am having difficulty with that.
I will continue to search and keep you posted. Hopefully, I can find something for addicts. What I really want is a buddy. I know I’ve shunned this kind of help before, but I desperately need it now.

Thursday(s)

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You may be tougher on yourself than others realize, for they only see what you want them to see. You are like a stage magician, fascinating everyone with your hands waving about in the air. You can tell great stories, but people don't realize this is how you hide the sleight-of-mind you are performing out of their view. Don't just criticize yourself; take considered action to fix what's wrong.


Wow, B was right. I’m telling you. And it was worth the wait. I had to wait for like five minutes for this to load. Bizarre.
No shit.
No shit I criticize myself. And with good reason, too.
But good advise, that. “Don’t just criticize yourself; take considered action to fix what’s wrong.” By the way that a quote from Tarot.com. Just saying in case the plagiarism police come a knockin’ at my door.
Take considered action. Take action: no. Take considered action. Consider what you’re doing. Well… that’s news to me, an odd advise to a Gemini, at least this one. Because usually, we Geminis, get so lost debating and considering and calculating and planning logistics in our heads, that we rarely, if ever, take action. So when we do them, it’s usually spur of the moment, out of boredom.
It’s true.

Today is Thursday and it seems as if on Thursdays I am never ready to be here, at least in spirit. Which is ironic, because even if I’ve been late the rest of the week, it’s the one day I will arrive on time, early even. Or maybe it’s the opposite that is ironic. Because on Thursdays in particular, I am . . . flighty.. fly-away. . . elsewhere. Usually, I chalk it up to being out drinking heavily on Wednesday nights. But no so last night, and so, I am unsure if it is a pattern with any basis. But I digress.

What I digress from is unknown.. just general digression, I’m sure.

What is new with you, J? Ya know, I’m not sure. I had some job interviews with the Alliance for Companion Animals, and would like the pay increase. But at this point, I’m not sure that it is the best fit for me, either. I need something. I am still searching. I read a really neat little ditty about how AOL (read the devil-in-training—not quite evil enough for the full capitalized title) shut down the last maverick start up dot com. Humph. It was cool. Like cool used to be. Like cool is in my head. Like cool I am not. Like cool I want to be, and have always wanted to be. I still strive for it. I want freedom with responsibility. I want money, but not too much I have to feel guilty about. I want individuality, but with groovy conformist health insurance. I want to be important, but not so vital I can’t skip a day or go on vacation. I want to be smart, but funny. I want to waste time, but accomplish great things. I want to have fun and be easy-going, but have a sense of purpose and better the world.
I am special. I know it. I breathe it. And on this Thursday, I cannot forget it. Other times, I stifle it and can endure work. Not Thursdays. Usually, I am re-energized by my frivolity the night before. Maybe it is my lack of it that has today standing out-but I’m not sure of that as, I haven’t been productive all week.
Humph. Now what?