New Year. What?!

Ok. So I've checked out. And this is sad. Partly because I miss it. Partly because I haven't been being honest with what's going on. Partly because if I'm not writing in this blog how else am I going to be a famous blogger, write a book and then sell millions of copies so that I become the person I've always wanted to be - but just *a little bit* of a recluse because, of course I have to protect my privacy and I'm so famous that I have to hide and wear big, dumpy dark glasses to hide my identity? Yeah. How else is that going to happen?

It's a new year. And things are looking up. And then they're looking sideways. And then, well, let's just say I don't believe in hell, per se, but things have definitely been looking southward, too.

Christmas and New Year's were a blur. And so far, this month has been one too.

I'm running the tax office(s) and a new hire is making me grumpy, grouchy, and plain-ass irritable. (Why didn't they have a dwarf named "Irritable" or "Stressy?")

I am still on my designer drugs. I feel so much better. It makes me wonder, is this how normal people feel? I mean, I feel sad or irritated or angry or tired or even depressed, but not everything is such a struggle. It doesn't feel like a life and death fight with myself just to get out of bed. It just isn't as hard. I guess that's what I'm feeling. Life is easier. And I wonder - is this how it should have been all along?

My weight is still terrible. But I'm really trying to not focus on it. I figure when I have time and feel better, things will come.

What I am focusing on is trying to start new, healthy habits. I found an app named Habit Streak that I downloaded to track my progress and check in with myself to try to start (and stick to) new habits that I'd like to cultivate. I won't bore you with my up-and-coming habits - oh, wait. That's what I do here.

So yeah. I will. I will let you know what I'm working on right now.

1) Brush teeth at least twice a day. [I know, I know. This is a no-brainer and you are now thinking that I'm the grossest person ever. You might be right. But at night. I often am soo oo oooo tired that if I remember I can't get out of bed to do it. Also, I almost *always* brush them in the morning - but lately (will discuss later) with my new morning regimen I don't always remember because so much is going on.]

2) Take morning medicine (I had to give myself an easy one - sadly, I do not always remember. Actually, I've been forgetting so - I have been taking it with -

3) Take night medicine ( my night medicine. This is actually a cheat - because I can forget to take it - and I have - but then I can't sleep, so then I eventually remember.)

4) Play with the girls (giving myself a fun one. but I don't always get a chance. Have been busy, busy.)

5) Wake up before 7 am on weekdays and 9 am on weekend. (Yeeaaaah. This one. Not even close to being a habit. What's the opposite of habit? That's me and this "suggestion" from Habit Streak.)

6) Take a daily vitamin (This one is for my cousin, the neurosurgeon. Actually, she's not a neurosurgeon, she's a neurologist. - BUT I like to say, "It's not brain surgery, and I should know, my cousins a brain surgeon." I don't actually say this (anymore).)

7) Wash face before bed (This should be another easy one - but for some reason. I'm so tired and "don't give a shit" at night lately. I can't do it.)

Here's some others that I'm working on that AREN'T on Habit Streak.

New Year, New Me! So I've set myself some rules.

• Must wear new contacts at least three times a week.
• Must wear "real" shoes places like work. Not, *NOT* Crocs.
• Must wear makeup - which consists of (but not limited to) eyeliner, mascara, and lip something.
• Must try to dress to flatter my figure and better represent the person I'd like to be - Which is to say, I cannot solely dress strictly for comfort any longer. I do not have to be uncomfortable, but I cannot dress like a slob anymore. Except perhaps on the weekends. - Non-working weekends.

• As part of the dressing for success - or more aptly put - dressing like the person I'd like to be (see above) - try to style it, girrrrl. So some jewelry, some accessories, some matchy-match.

Well, there probably is another one, but I've been terrible about it. And that's Try to Save. As in, stop spending, idiot. But I've been feeling, why can't I be surrounded by beauty, pretty? So I've been spending. The opposite of "saving" but I've also been trying to save. Which is a problem I haven't quite worked out yet.

There. That's it. That's what's going on. Sort of. Wish me luck.

Christmas. Really?

Yes, it really was Christmas. I've survived Thanksgiving and Christmas and now only have to get through New Year's day to be able to officially say, "I've survived the Holiday Season."

It didn't feel very Christmas-y, or very Thanksgiving-y either, for that matter. But it wasn't horrible and I did it. We all did it, I suppose if you're reading this. I don't know if it wasn't a supremely happy time because of the loss of my mother or if this year was just extremely different. It seems every one's Christmas and holiday was odd. I'm ok with that, I guess.

I know I haven't been around much lately. I haven't been around at all actually. But I now have designer drugs coursing through my veins and I am feeling much better - never mind that I can't currently move my head: my neck and shoulder are messed up and extremely painful right now.

I am hoping for a very good new year. I miss my mother terribly but I think I'm going to be ok. I've been on a bit of a crazy spending spree (all on credit, of course) and must now try to get back into the "debt free" lifestyle I was hoping to cultivate last time I paid all my cards off. Tax season starts in just a few days and I have tons (really - just piles and piles) of work to do before tax season even begins. I feel as though I can handle the work. I'd better - I have to.

I'm hoping to get the numbers up this year for tax season. I'd like to actually make some money. If we don't, no more tax business and no more job for me. I am making plans on traveling this coming year, so I really hope it all works out, one way or another.

I hope everyone finds peace this holiday season. We could all use some.

Love to you!

Plan for today

Well. I've already blown it. My plan for today was to get drunk. I poured myself a huge stein of margarita on the rocks and I've got heart burn already.

Yeah. Lovely.


OOOH! I just saw The Muppets last night. It was the most enjoyable movie I have seen in quite a long time. It was good, really.

Well. I've done it.

I've gotten everyone pissed off at me. Again.
Well. I don't have much to say . . . other than - well, why am I always the asshole? And honestly, I can be quite the asshole. But today, I don't really think I was being a jerk.

I've been quite depressed and haven't been doing much, but as it's Sunday, I picked up my dad and we went for brunch at a Santa Fe style Mexican restaurant. And as my sister has been roosting at my father's, she came too. And then she wanted to hang out with me today. I just wanted to lay in bed as I had done the previous day. But I decided I could not face Walmart alone, I agreed. (I had to go to Walmart to purchase her medicine.)
We shopped, we watched some tv, we went back to Walmart and we then cooked.
I asked Mc to come down with the new puppy and that's when I did it.

Later, Sister was all, I think you pissed off Mc. Whoops! Because I didn't mean to. It really had not a lot to do with me. But my delivery of information and probably, my timing played a part too. And now it's going to be a snow-ball effect. He's gonna be mad at me and at G, who in turn will be made at me. Oh, and Sister's already irritated with me. So there ya go. Only M is not mad at me. And probably B. But B isn't talking to me right now.
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I went to the doctor again on Friday. He upped my meds. I finally asked the pharmacy at Wally-world how much the med will be a month. Yeah. Almost $200. Something like $177 per month, I believe is what she said. Better be some good shit for that much.
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OH! I have to say that I am in LOVE with ABC's "Once Upon a Time." In L-O-V-E. So good.

It is combining fantasy with life in today's world which is the curse. So living in today's world is the punishment! HA! They got that right!



I also like - Well, everything. Let's hope it continues to surprise and enthrall me
as it has been doing.

Improvement

I checked my blood sugar level this morning and it was 80. I think that's good.
And today, while missing my mother terribly, it was more of an ache, dull, than an all-consuming spasm of pain wracking my body, especially my chest.
That's an improvement, right?

New Worries

So I am thinking that I am getting diabetes. This is not some idle worry or threat. My mother had diabetes, my father has it, both of my grandmothers had it. My grandfathers died before they could get it. They had bad tickers.

The seroquel is said to raise your blood glucose level. Read: sugar. So I've decided to again try to go off of sugar.

Seriously, this is a pain in my ass. And I'm addicted to it like a drug. Last night. Eeek! I don't even want to write it for fear of making it worse and more real.
Deep breath. Last night, after dinner, I checked my level. It was 241. That seems awfully damn high to me. Dad said not to worry, we'd check it this morning before breakfast. It was 115. I thought that was pretty damn high also. He said not to worry -- over 120 is bad.

So once I got to the office, I googled it. Fasting glucose (sugar) levels should be below 100. Over 100 but below 125 is probably pre-diabetes. And here's the thing (well one of the things, anyway), I've been having to pee a lot lately. So much so that I was thinking maybe I was broken down there or maybe I had a urinary tract infection. Nope, that's just a sign of diabetes. That and the thirst I have all of the time lately.
And slow healing. This one doesn't really count because I've always healed very slow (when comparing to others).

Anyway. I'm not usually one of those persons who trolls webMD and then thinks they have whatever they've read. But I do think this is real. And I seriously need to get my shittake in order. I mean really.

One of my professors said once, "You can warn someone the train is coming, but sometimes people don't believe you until they get run down." Is that me? Am I going to get mowed down and then - ? Who will I have to blame? Myself? I already do that all the time anyway.

Gotta start working out too. Let's see if we can slow this train down a bit. Or get the hell off the track. Seriously.

Too much

So, I guess that internet dating site sees when you are at the site, for whatever reason. And the more you are on the site, the higher it puts you as a search result.
?
Is this true?
Because all of a sudden my inbox is blowing up! Too many! Too many!
All with the ever-present Eww! and Yuck!

Maybe I should just remove my profile because, let's be honest, I'm in no shape to start a relationship.
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On a different topic, and I know it is too soon, I am feeling much better. Yes, yes. I *know* that it is too soon for the new medicine to work. And I am just having an "ok" day which I have anyway, from time to time.
But I am worried that I am having high blood sugar and that I am developing diabetes. I have been getting dizzy - for no reason, and then getting nauseated - for no reason. Oooh, and let's not forget - oops, already forgot. (OOPS! ALREADY FORGOT!!!)

Well. I have no idea what I was going to write there. Moving on.

Anyway, I'm going to start checking my sugar and see where I stand. Really, not looking forward to that. I did look online and a couple of different sites read that if you exercise, eat right and shed a couple of extra pounds, you can effectively stave off diabetes.
So here's hoping!

Doctor. And Sad.

I went to the doctor today to get a refill and tell him I'm taking more of the med than he prescribed.
And he added on Cymbalta. And this stuff, yeah, it's supposed to be like a miracle drug. So let's see if it produces some miracles.
And I was really sad thinking about things. And the sun was not out --which always makes me sad. And then trying to explain to the doctor that I don't want to get as bad as last time. That I'd rather be dead than get that depressed and get that lost again. But I don't want to say that - because I don't want him to get all worried that I'm going to do myself harm. Because I don't want to do myself harm. And as I don't really believe in an afterlife - unless there is reincarnation - I don't want to be nothing under the ground. So, yeah, I don't want to be dead. At least not yet.
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But!
I did text every one. And I did say - Hey, let's have a dress up party. And I put constraints on it. To Not Spend Money. Because, let's face it, we're all poor.
So my idea was this: Go pull something, some concoction out of your closet. Something we, hopefully, haven't seen before. A weird combination of clothing and turn that into a costume. So you could be slutty or dirty or fancy or a hipster doofus. I guess you could wear pajamas or that fancy, fancy dress that you bought but don't have an occasion to wear. That was my idea.
Plus, make it a pot luck. And everyone bring one bottle and we'll mix them all together and make a witch's brew.
We voted and Saturday night seems to be the night.

Something to look forward to. I hope it goes well.

I'm hoping that I am not too fat to wear this pretty, fancy, stupid dress that I bought - for no purpose other than it was on clearance and was sooo pretty, I couldn't not buy it. Let's see shall we?

Wish me luck.

Confession

Mc made me sign up for an internet dating site. It's free, so that's something.

But the more I think about it, the more oogie it seems. It's like we've found an entirely new way to meet people who are unsuitable for ourselves. And I like to take things slowly and these guys are: BAM! Here's my phone number! Bam! Text me! Bam! Let's have coffee.

Yeah, no.

Mc is of the opinion that I need to let go of fear. I think I just need to let go and just forget dating. It seems so yucky and so - plastic. Like: here is my face at a certain angle in 2D and here are the selected things I'm going to tell you about myself to put myself in a particular package and wrap it up nicely with a bow.

It's so fake and uncomfortable. I'll report back from the trenches.