Friends

Ah! Friends. I have to say. It's nice to have 'em.
I spent a lovely (if pricey) day with B.
Speaking of - I just went to facebook because Alison Torien added me as a friend and she has a friend on facebook named: B. The entire thing. Freaked me out. Hurt my feelings a little bit because I was all, "Why would B be friends with Ali and not me?" Apparently, it's a different girl. Speaking of pricey.. it wasn't really pricey. B bought breakie and it was totally yummy. YUM!
After B left and I went home, I think I sat on the couch like 2 hours (it totally didn't feel like I sat there long at all). And then I got my ass up.. and went to the Wally World and bought food for the week for lunches, etc. Then G and Mc came over. We strolled the girls which was nice and now am doing laundry. Must go to bed soon, though. It was a lovely day of friends. :)
Friends. Mmmm. Yummy. (Ooh, did that sound dirty, because it wasn't supposed to.)

T. Trustworthy. A.

Fucker. I just did a zabasearch on me. Pops up right away with my address. Fuckers!! AAAHH! Anyway, did one on T and it reads the same address he had prob 5 years ago. In fucking Tennessee. What the fuck is he doing in TN? Before I thought it was the address of a school or a work site, because that is what it looks like from the satelite photo. But google has improved and it is an actual, if simple looking, house. So now what? Nothing. Right?
Except what if he's living a better life than me? I know I'm whining. But - WHAT IF HE IS LIVING A BETTER LIFE THAN ME?
I couldn't stand it. Really.
Why can't I be extraordinary? Why can't I be one of those unconventional people that at least looks good in writing? Instead of - never been married, no kids, not seeing anyone. It should be something like . . living somewhere exotic, have a great, low-key, high-paying job that I work when I want, but I work all the time because I love, and never been married but came so close a couple of times.
He probably still isn't obsessed with me. So he wins. Fucker!

Ok. Just one more.

AND I have to write that protect marriage? Protect it from what? The logical response would be "from divorce," wouldn't it? NO! Apparently not. Apparently we need to protect it from loving couples. Huh?
What?
What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?
and finally, D'oh!
What the Fuck?? Protect marriage is as stupid as stupid can be. Mama always said stupid is as stupid does. That's these stupid ass, Bass Ackward people. Yes for Marriage! No to civil rights! What's next? Yes for Pirahnas! No from saving your skin and extremities from a hungry fish - or from saving your own life. No to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness! Because that would be dumb, and my GAWD don't like it.
Ellen DeGeneres is fighting a similar fight in California. No to prop 8. Here it's prop (I keep writing prob - and it is a problem) 102. Worst thing is: here in AZ - WE HAVE ALREADY VOTED ON THIS ISSUE AND AS A PEOPLE DECIDED THAT GAY MARRIAGE HURT NO ONE AND WE AGREED AS A VOTING POPULACE THAT IT WAS OK TO not HAVE A LAW THAT SPECIFICALLY BANS IT. As it is already illegal anyway. So they are repackaging it and trying again. DUMB FUCKS! But let's see if it works.

truth about me.

Hmph. I'm a liar. And I didn't even know it. I told a lie and now I'm stuck. STUCK. And I always thought it was stupid. Watching soap operas when someone told a lie and then they got stuck. I was all. . ."just tell the truth, what's the worst that can happen? They're going to find out anyway." It was after all, a soap opera.. someone was going to find out and blackmail and then it was somehow, terribly, wrongly, spectacularly going to come out at the very worst possible moment of all.
And now here I am stuck. And only chance can get me unstuck. What should I do? No. What am I going to do? Just stay stuck and hope for the best.

Up. Not about.

I should be walking the doggies or strolling the doggies. But, due to laziness, I am writing in this blog. I don't have much to say. I didn't sleep well. I saw D yesterday and completely hope that I am over him. for real. for ever. That would be the best news. The real best news would be that a lie I told had worked its way out. That would be the best. It's currently the thing that is stealing my sleep. Think I'm definitely going to need cafeine today.
Ugh!

Tired again.

Is it wrong to want to go to bed at 7:10? Here's the problem: I just answered emails and now I think that I've missed my sleep window. I don't really feel that tired anymore at 8 P.M.
We've done it. We've submitted an offer on the condo. Let's see how it goes, shall we?

Let's see what happens.
I have work tomorrow. Is it crazy that I'm out of practice going to work? Every week? Every day of every week? Tax season is one thing... but an entire year and a measly 2 weeks off during that year? hmph. How do "normal" people do this? Why is this "normal"?
Why is Palin a running mate to McCain? Why is McCain the best that the Repubs can come up with?
Did I ever provide my listeners (hehehehe - I watche WKRP earlier this evening.) with the Palin article that lovely B provided me? http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2008/09/11/zombie_feminism/
I hate to harp on the woman, but is this seriously the best woman we could come up with? Seriously? We couldn't vote to get a strong woman with decent Ideas in the white house? Why in the 21st century do we still have so much intolerance and stupidity? (hehehe -when what we should have is intolerance of stupidity?) ((yes I know!))
I'm yawning so I'm gonna try to hit the hay!

I just cheated and started reading old blogs.. and rediscovered one of my old favorite websites. It's fab (although for a long, long while I was afraid it wasn't going to load.)

It was very nice. Had to come tell you.

:)

SleepLessness

It's Saturday morning and I'm up before 6 am. And hav e been up. Not too long tho'. I took Mc's magic sleep pill and it didn't really help. Or did it? I slept longer, just not very deeply.
I have much on my mind.
Went to the doctor yesterday with tiredness and he's probably right. If I'm not sleeping, I'll be tired. But I've been sleeping more.. just probably not enough.

McCain is Stupid.

That's it. That's all I really wanted to say.
It's sexist to point out someone doesn't have a lot of experience when compared to someone who does (both the same gender)? Freakin' stupid.
And I'm from Arizona. Shame on McCain. And shame on America for not accepting the best choice for this country. 4 years ago, 8 years ago and only a couple of months ago.
I hope Obama can pull it out. I'm afraid this country is headed for a civil war.
How do you pull people kicking and screaming into the 21st century. It's here folks. It's really here and there are things we can do to make it better, but you're going to have to take some personal responsibility. Ever heard of it?

D.

Dick. How is it possible that one man could infect my soul so? As I lie awake, I regret what will never be, what never was. Hmph. Am I just hiding from men? I remember when we first really started to see each other or talk to each other almost every day. And then the possibility became real. I'd lie awake petrified. Petrified that it could actually happen. And then it was gone and I accepted it. And I lie awake turned on. Turned on. That man has stolen more sleep than . . or is it just this illness? I'm so tired. And that's it, isn't it? That first year when I couldn't sleep and I just knew something, something was wrong. And finally it occurred to me, I haven't not slept since I went on prozac all those years ago. It was like a miracle drug, because it straightened out my brain almost immediately. And I slept. And slept. It became my most favorite pastime. But I digress. This illness, which is stealing my sleep now, which made me fixate on D, which has led to a whole host of bad decisions, is back. Is here to stay, apparently. Or would I have done those things anyway? Would I have lain there anyway thinking of him? Would I have fixated on something/one else anyway? Would I have made the other bad decisions?
Am I pushing my mother for a place in the city because I'm crazy? Am I crazy? I'm certainly not getting the best sleep. Sleep needed to make good decisions. Unsurety and guilt have become my new bedfellows. And we ain't sleepin'. We lie there together, unsure and uncomfortable. And what do we do next?
The condo isn't perfect. It isn't pristine. It needs a coat of paint or two. The yard could be a little bigger - but it's a condo, how big do those yards really come? It's in a (I believe) up and coming neighborhood. It's relatively close to work. It's fairly huge, for a condo. The kitchen is large. Has a washer and dryer. Has 4 bedrooms. 1 3/4 baths. What else could we need? I don't know. She's stalling and I'm feeling guilty. I need just to face it and move on. I need this place. I need to move forward. I've lost too much sleep to fear and uncertainty. If it doesn't work out: oh, well. Life happens whether I go out and greet it or not. I must open the door and walk out and just stir it up. Fuck with it. Learn new things. About myself. Push myself to grow. Search and strive for the life I want. I need to push. I need to strive, to yearn, to get off my ass and fuck it all up. It's time. I must do something - no matter what. I will not live in fear anymore. I will not hide behind fat. or in fat. or wait until no fat. that's not what life is waiting for. It's passing me by.
Make a decision. Do something. Let it be bad. Life is happening. Live it.

Party in the front. Business in the back.

I don't care what people have said, Bono never had a mullet. His hair wasn't, "business in the front." He had it spiky and sticky uppy, even though it was shorter in the front. I think VH1 decribed it as a "power mullet" or the best mullet ever, or somesuch. But I disagree.
He's magic.
I'm supposed to start matching my instructors hours, which is going to make for one long-ass day, yo. Word to ya mother.
Holla at your girl.
Blayne was voted off on PR. I really liked him, even if his stuff was, well, I didn't like it at all. But I don't think anyone has been very fashion forward this season, anyway. Boring, boring, boring. And is it Leann? What's with those crazy ribbony layer things? All the time. ALL the TIME. Ugh. Getting tired of those. Also, what's going on with Klum's snarky ass? And Kors'? "Hello?"
I am so tired. Woke up about 3 and this day - with the earliness of the departure at 3:45, I just lumped it and got up to write in my lovely blog or ylog (short for diary log - hehe).

I maybe found a condo in the city. My mom is supposed to come up to see it, but I don't know how I feel about it. Maybe buyer's remorse already? Ugh! I dunno. More on that later.

Fat.

I'm so fat. Today. And everyday. And as an added bonus: after yesterday's little tramp up and down, my left knee really hurt today. Only on stairs. Going up. Which apparently every time I feel the little grinding and take a step up, I burn 3 calories. That's the number my trainer at work gave me. I have no idea whether she knows what she's talking about or not. But I do know that she is against abortion. Her favorite color is purple. She's diabetic. She super-duper loves me. She's LDS. She volunteers. She gives her clothes to a lady at work that is less fortunate. She helps a clerical lady who is functionally illiterate at work.
What's up with the Blu-fLie dot com commercials? (I did it like that because I don't want to give them any publicity - or have them sue me and my fabulously popular blog.) Why is she naked? Who cares? Apparently no one if you're a skinny twig with tits. Let my fat ass get out there and they'd be stopping me for a "security issue."
What the hell do they sell anyway? Apparently they think they're in fashion. Ha! little joke.
I had drinks tonight. And a super fatty lunch. AND then on the way home I stopped and got a Jack-N-Crack new york style cheese cake. I was seriously counting my dollars (two) and all my change in my ashtray for money so I could buy it. It was a measely buck 59. Can you believe it? With tax, still way under 2 bucks. It's smaller than it used to be, but still waaay yummy.

I did good. This morning I got up and strolled with the doggies, took out the trash and cleaned (ever so slightly) on the yard. Good for me! But right now I should be cleaning in the house. My neck is sooo stiff and hurtie. Pilates could not come too soon tomorrow.

Anyone out there care about my exploits? No? me neither. hehe hehe hehehehe. hmmm. ok. well, good night sweet B, if you come and read my silly blog. Have a better day tomorrow. I'll call, k?

Rude.

I published (or tried to) a pithy, short little post yesterday. And it didn't make it. It's lost for all time to the past. Because I have no idea what I wrote. Something fabulous, I presume.
I'm reading the Dresden Files and I must say they are utterly entertaining, if nothing else. It's at the climax and yesterday I couldn't read enough. But this stupid sleeplessness that I have makes it hard to focus. Hopefully soon I will start sleeping the night through and not just from exhaustion. Speaking of exhausting - I tramped up and down stairs yesterday. Just to see if I could and for the exercise. Wow! I'm basically useless. Why, oh why, is going up so much harder than going down?

Tired, So very.

HERE IT IS- I found it - not so brill afterall. hmmph.

:) I'm surviving my first week. BUT my stamina is shit. I know I've said it before and I'm saying it again, MY STAMINA IS SHIT.

Tomorrow is Friday! And apparently it is dress down day. Casual Friday, as it were. Is? Was? Anyway..

It's gonna be good. I'm really, really hoping that I get to have only a half day, sorta. More on that later.

So I'm on this website and it's a dating website, but not for fat girls and it was soo busy trying to figure out who to email and what to say and they were im-ing me left and right and it Got tO Be TOO MUCH PRESSURE! OMGoodness! So I took off of my name and deleted my account and then got really bored, so about a week later put my stuff back as it was. Anyway. No responses. Guess I screwed up. So there's this one guy who's in cincinnati - as in oh.hi.o. I mean really what's the point? but at least I didn't have this terrible pressure to respond everyday and to meet like tomorrow. I just don't get men, I guess. So fast, fast, fast. But I guess they don't get me. Which leads to my current condition. oh, well. ANYhoo-(I actually NEVER say that because it's sooooo lame, but I like writing it - go figure. So if you must, you can substitute ANYWAY in there.) I've been writing this guy (cincinnati) and have nothing left to say. ugh. Think maybe I'm just too tired right now, or I just don't care. Or both. Can't figure it out.

I'm tired.

Hi. I need to go to bed. I'm gonna try. I miss you so much., sweet Sleep.

I'm still at it.

So. I got up and made one of my protein smoothies, which I call shakes. Like it bettah. Anyway. Yumm. This time I added a nectarine instead of the usual strawberries to round out the oj and bananas - and then added some strawberries (not many) to round it out, anyway. Seriously good.
I slept almost the entire night! But it was the whole I-don't-know-if-I'm-awake-or-asleep nights. I hate those. And woke up very tired. But I guess it's better than the I'm-definitely-awake nights that I have been having.
I took the doggies for a morning stroll. That's good. I'm feeling a little guilty about having a puppy and not having much energy for her. And b has slowed down since bshe got here. But I think overal she's happy to have someone (as bshe is totaly trying to engage b and b is trying to just turn away. eek.).
ANYhoo- my friend said she might read my blog and I was thinking this isn't so much a blog (think online log) as a online diary. So, with that in mind, let's get political. Anyone heard anything new about Palin, other than she's a completely inappropriate choice (or person, for that matter) who doesn't trust women nor apparently herself. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarah_Palin wait! they totally took down the part where she was pregnant and started leaking amniotic fluid and kept giving her speech and didn't go to the hospital for like 10 hours AND flew from TX to WA to AK. Um, aren't you supposed to NOT fly that far along????!!
Bitch. Think of all those sad people on the plane who wouldn't have made their connecting flights if she had to spread out in the aisle.
hmph.

I don't have time for this, but here's another link http://cityhallblog.dallasnews.com/archives/2008/09/sarah-palin-broken-water-and-h.html
and another. It's hidden somewhere in here: http://www.adn.com/626/story/382864.html

Slight Hopefulness. Like butterfly wings.

I went to Sprouts this evening. It was kind of exciting to be there buying healthy fare. I hope it means good things. Fruit. I love fruit. I bought apples and pears and nectarines and plums. MMMmmm. I purchased cage-free eggs and fat-free cheese. Mmm on the eggs. Umm on the fat-free cheese. But so much bettah for you (well maybe not you but me). I had cheese crips the other night and let me say: full on fat cheese and me are no longer on speaking terms. Well, at least not the the extent we were. I mean, we were full on lovers. Now we just slightly pet.
I wanna build little snackie-lunchie things. I quite excited by it. Damn that Starbucks. ;)
I've bought a power protein-y thing from the bucks of star yesterday. It had a hard-boiled egg, a mini-bagel w/pb, apple slices and a little cheese with some grapes. Today I had more of a freshie fruitie/cheese plate. Cheddar and asiago and brie with apple slices and grapes. Oh, and a little of their drier-than-fuck cranberry, raisin, walnut loaf that I stuck some of the leftover pb on.
No pressure. But I'm excited for B to move back. We can have healthy salads and lovely meals at home, for super cheap because they might actually get eaten. Hmmm. Ohmm.

Work was interesting-ish. Had computer training with a different lady. Kim or barbara or . . . Pat? Pat maybe. She was nice. And we had Angel, who was annoying. But at least I wasn't sitting there by myself. With the trainer. Which is what happened in the afternoon and which will happen tomorrow and for the rest of the week and continuing on for quite sometime apparently. ANYhoo- about Angel. She was trying to be helpful. And was the opposite. AND sOOOO reminded me of me 20 years ago (note: that was not a typo). Kinda knew it all and would try to be helpful. And would be exuberant (read super-hyper) (( actually just went to dictionary.com and exuberant - 1. effusively and almost uninhibitedly enthusiastic; lavishly abundant. 2. abounding in vitality; extremely joyful and vigorous. - that's all good. I wasn't always complimented as such. BUT that really was me. )) anyway. me being super hyper. Always. And wanted people to like me and had wild mood swings from depth of despair to the exuberance we were just discussing. (Or rather, I was writing because this isn't a conversation. Except for maybe me with me. ) Later, I was glad she was gone (Angel and me). But was a little sad (I wax poetic about the loss of my youth) not so much for Angel (just a little).

Let's get back to the food. Yes, let's. I am hopeful that I will get back on program and live happily ever after. Anyone else have hope lately? It shoud be "Got Hope?" and not mean anything Gesus-ie. I'm gonna try for the sleep. I have hope for that, as well. Wish me luck.

A Brand New Day!

Yesterday was my first day at my new job! (I didn't really feel like the exclamation - but it did deserve more than a period.) My trainer loves me. It's true. Apparently when she interviewed me (as part of a panel) I was her first pick. And the only one who worked out. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't every one's first pick. I was just hers. Note to self: stop being so fabulous and modest. :)
ANYWAY. Yesterday was my first day at my new job! And my trainer loves me! I think I'm gonna super like it (although little sad face about the money). And I survived it on no sleep - a little (read: lot) of caffeine and some guts.
I learned about ACROSS ACOPPERSTATE - which are standards by which we test whether someone is an employee or not. It kinda made me sad because I should have studied more in school.
The ASU stuff was fine. And I learned a helluva lot at GCC but I think the stress of tax season and school and mom's illness robbed me of a lot of what I learned and could have retained. I sat there wishing I had studied more (bears repeating). And I think I got a high B or an A in that one semester. It was only later that I started falling apart with the stress.

Well, I'm awake again and would like to try to go back to sleep. I don't know if that's a stupid idea or whether I should just stick it out.

For the next two days in training I should have computer systems illustrations, etc (training). For two days! Either there's one helluva lot of crap to learn or I'm gonna be soo bored!

Going back to the school notion. I wonder if I should try to go back or if I should just lump it and try to muscle through. I have not a clue on this one. Probably means I'll just muscle through.

Perhaps I should try to lie back down. My thoughts are all jumbled and I'm really tired.
:)
Here's hoping!

It's true, I'm UP!

So I start work in a little less than 5 hours. At least that's when I need to be there. I need to leave in 3 hours 45 minutes. Ugh! And I've been awake for 2 hours, 15. In the interest of saving time, I've actually taken my shower and done my hair. (Hair: only so much that I don't really have to mess with it tomorrow.. I can sleep on it.) (( Did I write "tomorrow" - It is actually TOday! ))

Went out today and looked at condos and houses again. G and Mc came with. (BTW-Mc and I made up, again.) I got very excited about a house or two. Mom really wants a condo. I mean in so much as that the little house I was excited about she has already pooh-poohed. Oh, well. She wants a condo and it is her money. Long story.

WHY am I awake? This, I fear, is going to be disaster. I mean, it's always hard to sleep the night before you start a new job. . . but this is ridiculous!! Seriously!! I'm totally going to get tired and then not be able to concentrate and if I could just grab a couple of more hours, I think I might be safe. But as it stands now: I'm going to need coffee and sugar.. which, of course, means that I will be all hyper and freak-like and then crash and be all yawny. AND I'll probably need it at least twice. FCUK! (typo on purpose-sorta)

Anybody out there? Anybody have ideas, other than to lie in bed until I make myself crazy? The other school of thought is that you are supposed to lie there xx minutes (what is it, like, 20?) and then get up and do something else for xx minutes (this time I have no idea). But I've tried lying there and then getting up and anwering emails and playing computer solitare. Then back to bed. Then reading a chapter in my book while lying in bed and then lights out. Then getting up and taking a shower and doing my hair. And then back to bed. (this time I didn't stay the required xx minutes - I basically just popped back up.) Have played more solitare (I'M ADDICTED TO SPIDER SOLITARE and I currently suck at it.). Then decided to go back to bed but before I made it, I decided I could blog.

Another aside - someone once mentioned that bloging came from somewhere - where exactly? I'll have to look it up. According to Wikipedia - A blog is a contraction of the term "Web log." Just wondering. Wondering concluded.

I'm going to try the bed again. Wish me luck.

And so it goes.

Ok. I'm yawning and keeping one eye closed. But I'm still awake. And I'm still writing in this blog. Which is two days in a row and must be some kind of record for me. {edit: it was three days- only the first one was on myspace.)
Moving on. Yes, that's what I would like to do. I went house/condo looking yesterday. I'm exhausted. It started off fairly terrible and then got really good and ended on such a high note, I couldn't believe - and then it all went to sh1@t$u (and not at all in a pleasant way). ((Looking at that line, perhaps I should change the expletive- because it could probably mean that it could have gone terribly right.)) ANYhoo - I just got defeated when we started talking about the dogs. I hadn't really thought it would be a big deal and apparently, it is. UGH!
For those of you in the know, I no longer have b & B. It was time and b is gone. :( But I still have B and then got Banshee. So, technically I now have B & Bshe.
GAWD- I'm tired. I'm gonna try lying down again.
-peace out.

I'm up. Again, again. Whatever.

I wonder when I blog. I don't do it that often. But my last blog title was, "Ok. I'm up. Again" . . and the one before that was something like, "I'm up!" So probably I couldn't sleep. Which is my current, and ongoing, predicament.
Here's a fun fact for you: I've been unemployed for a while. I start my new job on Monday! Whoo Hoo! Think it sounds lovely and interesting even if the moola isn't exactly where I want it to be. It's for a local government office, so I am hoping the benefits far outweigh the lack of $$. Predicament, not so much. Here it comes. Wait for it: I received an email from the city of San Francisco. Wouldn't it be lovely? But it was only an invitation to test, not even for a job interview. AND I'm getting old. As my mom succinctly put it after I made that comment, "You are old." (Thanks, mom!) And I need to start building wealth (for retirement, etc.) But then that argument goes.. isn't the wealth you build about the quality of your life? Maybe, maybe not so much.
Why, oh, why am I awake? Why don't I have lovely drugs that will do their job and knock me out. Seriously, I had alcohol last night.. a non-skimpy version either. And yet, still woke up at 5 am. Bodes well for the new job.. except, I might be too tired to do any actual work.
Anybody else out there awake at this hour on a Saturday morning? No? Or if you are, you haven't gone to bed yet. A$$h01e. Heeee. I'm clever, I can cuss and stuff.