What do you do if you've known your entire life that what would make you happy is to find the other half of your soul that's somewhere out there in the great-big world?
And you ache for it, yearn for it.  That second part of yourself that will make you whole?
I'm been listening to a book on tape that has taken a romantic turn and now I'm maudlin.  I'm so sad.

You see, I know, I've always known what I really want out of life.  I've always wanted to "be happy." And that happiness, for me, can only come with the terrible, horrible soul-crushing, up-lifting, painful, joyful binding of me with another.  The perfect "other," the one other that completes me.
And how sad is it and how true it is that from a very early age, I knew that I was going to be alone. I would make all my decisions on my own, I would not share my responsibilities with a special "other," nor share my milestones with that one person, either.
And I've not put myself out there.  I haven't actively looked because of fear.  And I'm damaged.  I've had pain and disease inflicted upon me.  And the character flaws that I was born with that seem to me I shall never overcome, have not helped.  It seems they were perfectly fitted to compliment each other so that I will remain alone forever.

Girls. Or How I Wasted My Weekend.

I totally did waste my weekend.  *Totally* 
Ha!
I wasted time all weekend.  It felt wonderful.  I watched tv. I watched so much tv. Oh, gawd. It was good. Today, I actually had a nap.

I did not know if I liked or really hated GIRLS. I caught up on the episodes. And I liked them.

I really needed to work and work and work. I've been running in circles trying to accomplish - what exactly?  Success!  That's what I've been trying to accomplish.  Does one accomplish success?  One attains it.  I, for one, have not attained success.

How is it, when I reached a certain age, I figured something out. But not really.  I mean, I figured out that I wanted to work hard and attain something for myself.  And that something is a bit of business success.  Not much, really.  Just to be profitable and be able to pay myself a living wage.  And maybe more than that. Someday.
Yet, I haven't figured out how to do that.
And frack! I'm about to have ANOTHER birthday.  Seriously.  Another one.
And I'm trying to be amenable and take on a business partner.  That's fun. That'll work out well.  Well, truly I hope it will.

And so.  So, I've been running around trying to do my work, trying to do her work, trying to go to school to create a new life.
Yeah.
That's going to work out.

Again. New and Hope.

Ok. I don't know what this blog is supposed to be about. Other than it is about me. And my thoughts. I guess that it's ultimately about my struggles. My struggle to be the best me I can be.

I've finally figured out that is what I want. I want to be the best me possible. Perhaps, that way I can be happy. That way--I can find purpose in my life. Maybe. Maybe.

Hopefully.

Of course, there are some less lofty goals that I have. Like wanting to be able to pay my bills. Wanting a new car, wanting to travel, wanting a hot boyfriend with a crazy, hard body. Eh, I wouldn't mind a sick, hard body for myself either.

With my craziness, how do I trust the new path I'm on now?  Well, I don't know.  But I can tell you, I feel more like myself, more me than I have in a long time, maybe more than I ever have.  I know it's the fancy cocktail of designer drugs and I know that I have to continually adjust and check in with myself to make sure I don't lose myself.  There is fear involved.

So I'll try to be honest. I'll try to follow-through. And follow-up. And I have a lot of work to do - studying and traveling and working and schmoozing and exercising.  This is what I have to do.

So this is what I'll do.

Let's Try This *Again*

ok.
Let's start over.  A re-do, if you will. 
I want to be the most, optimum me I can be.

So let's start.

For the next 24 hours.  ooooh.  that might be too much.  Fuck.  Ok. 
For the next 90 minutes: I am going to get up and wash my stank off and wash my hair and brush my teeth.

I need to take my car in for service. Effectively stranding me for the day.  Perhaps I'll get some work done during that time.

Optimum me:
Start with clean hair, clean body, clean teeth. 
Work from there.

completely bereft

i had a huge fight with sister. and it wasn't even that huge. but something about it seems final. and i don't understand. i don't understand how she can not even feel remotely the least bit of understanding of what i'm doing, what i'm going through, and how hard i'm working.
and i can see her side - she thinks mom favored me and gave me everything i wanted. she thinks mom hated her and tried to do things to hurt, or at least not help her.
but i can see these old wounds. thinking those thoughts as a child, a teenager, a young adult. and then: finally growing up. letting some of it go. maybe not all, but some.
i do not see how she doesn't see me trying. and drowning. i don't understand.
i just do not understand how when i asked for help - i got attitude. so maybe i am the bitch.
but i cannot forgive her. not with out her apology. even if it isn't her fault. even if it is ultimately my fault. i need that apology. i needed help and i didn't get it. now i need an apology - and i think hell will come and go and i'll still be waiting, still be needing it.
and i cannot forgive her for that.

New Year. What?!

Ok. So I've checked out. And this is sad. Partly because I miss it. Partly because I haven't been being honest with what's going on. Partly because if I'm not writing in this blog how else am I going to be a famous blogger, write a book and then sell millions of copies so that I become the person I've always wanted to be - but just *a little bit* of a recluse because, of course I have to protect my privacy and I'm so famous that I have to hide and wear big, dumpy dark glasses to hide my identity? Yeah. How else is that going to happen?

It's a new year. And things are looking up. And then they're looking sideways. And then, well, let's just say I don't believe in hell, per se, but things have definitely been looking southward, too.

Christmas and New Year's were a blur. And so far, this month has been one too.

I'm running the tax office(s) and a new hire is making me grumpy, grouchy, and plain-ass irritable. (Why didn't they have a dwarf named "Irritable" or "Stressy?")

I am still on my designer drugs. I feel so much better. It makes me wonder, is this how normal people feel? I mean, I feel sad or irritated or angry or tired or even depressed, but not everything is such a struggle. It doesn't feel like a life and death fight with myself just to get out of bed. It just isn't as hard. I guess that's what I'm feeling. Life is easier. And I wonder - is this how it should have been all along?

My weight is still terrible. But I'm really trying to not focus on it. I figure when I have time and feel better, things will come.

What I am focusing on is trying to start new, healthy habits. I found an app named Habit Streak that I downloaded to track my progress and check in with myself to try to start (and stick to) new habits that I'd like to cultivate. I won't bore you with my up-and-coming habits - oh, wait. That's what I do here.

So yeah. I will. I will let you know what I'm working on right now.

1) Brush teeth at least twice a day. [I know, I know. This is a no-brainer and you are now thinking that I'm the grossest person ever. You might be right. But at night. I often am soo oo oooo tired that if I remember I can't get out of bed to do it. Also, I almost *always* brush them in the morning - but lately (will discuss later) with my new morning regimen I don't always remember because so much is going on.]

2) Take morning medicine (I had to give myself an easy one - sadly, I do not always remember. Actually, I've been forgetting so - I have been taking it with -

3) Take night medicine ( my night medicine. This is actually a cheat - because I can forget to take it - and I have - but then I can't sleep, so then I eventually remember.)

4) Play with the girls (giving myself a fun one. but I don't always get a chance. Have been busy, busy.)

5) Wake up before 7 am on weekdays and 9 am on weekend. (Yeeaaaah. This one. Not even close to being a habit. What's the opposite of habit? That's me and this "suggestion" from Habit Streak.)

6) Take a daily vitamin (This one is for my cousin, the neurosurgeon. Actually, she's not a neurosurgeon, she's a neurologist. - BUT I like to say, "It's not brain surgery, and I should know, my cousins a brain surgeon." I don't actually say this (anymore).)

7) Wash face before bed (This should be another easy one - but for some reason. I'm so tired and "don't give a shit" at night lately. I can't do it.)

Here's some others that I'm working on that AREN'T on Habit Streak.

New Year, New Me! So I've set myself some rules.

• Must wear new contacts at least three times a week.
• Must wear "real" shoes places like work. Not, *NOT* Crocs.
• Must wear makeup - which consists of (but not limited to) eyeliner, mascara, and lip something.
• Must try to dress to flatter my figure and better represent the person I'd like to be - Which is to say, I cannot solely dress strictly for comfort any longer. I do not have to be uncomfortable, but I cannot dress like a slob anymore. Except perhaps on the weekends. - Non-working weekends.

• As part of the dressing for success - or more aptly put - dressing like the person I'd like to be (see above) - try to style it, girrrrl. So some jewelry, some accessories, some matchy-match.

Well, there probably is another one, but I've been terrible about it. And that's Try to Save. As in, stop spending, idiot. But I've been feeling, why can't I be surrounded by beauty, pretty? So I've been spending. The opposite of "saving" but I've also been trying to save. Which is a problem I haven't quite worked out yet.

There. That's it. That's what's going on. Sort of. Wish me luck.

Christmas. Really?

Yes, it really was Christmas. I've survived Thanksgiving and Christmas and now only have to get through New Year's day to be able to officially say, "I've survived the Holiday Season."

It didn't feel very Christmas-y, or very Thanksgiving-y either, for that matter. But it wasn't horrible and I did it. We all did it, I suppose if you're reading this. I don't know if it wasn't a supremely happy time because of the loss of my mother or if this year was just extremely different. It seems every one's Christmas and holiday was odd. I'm ok with that, I guess.

I know I haven't been around much lately. I haven't been around at all actually. But I now have designer drugs coursing through my veins and I am feeling much better - never mind that I can't currently move my head: my neck and shoulder are messed up and extremely painful right now.

I am hoping for a very good new year. I miss my mother terribly but I think I'm going to be ok. I've been on a bit of a crazy spending spree (all on credit, of course) and must now try to get back into the "debt free" lifestyle I was hoping to cultivate last time I paid all my cards off. Tax season starts in just a few days and I have tons (really - just piles and piles) of work to do before tax season even begins. I feel as though I can handle the work. I'd better - I have to.

I'm hoping to get the numbers up this year for tax season. I'd like to actually make some money. If we don't, no more tax business and no more job for me. I am making plans on traveling this coming year, so I really hope it all works out, one way or another.

I hope everyone finds peace this holiday season. We could all use some.

Love to you!

Plan for today

Well. I've already blown it. My plan for today was to get drunk. I poured myself a huge stein of margarita on the rocks and I've got heart burn already.

Yeah. Lovely.


OOOH! I just saw The Muppets last night. It was the most enjoyable movie I have seen in quite a long time. It was good, really.

Well. I've done it.

I've gotten everyone pissed off at me. Again.
Well. I don't have much to say . . . other than - well, why am I always the asshole? And honestly, I can be quite the asshole. But today, I don't really think I was being a jerk.

I've been quite depressed and haven't been doing much, but as it's Sunday, I picked up my dad and we went for brunch at a Santa Fe style Mexican restaurant. And as my sister has been roosting at my father's, she came too. And then she wanted to hang out with me today. I just wanted to lay in bed as I had done the previous day. But I decided I could not face Walmart alone, I agreed. (I had to go to Walmart to purchase her medicine.)
We shopped, we watched some tv, we went back to Walmart and we then cooked.
I asked Mc to come down with the new puppy and that's when I did it.

Later, Sister was all, I think you pissed off Mc. Whoops! Because I didn't mean to. It really had not a lot to do with me. But my delivery of information and probably, my timing played a part too. And now it's going to be a snow-ball effect. He's gonna be mad at me and at G, who in turn will be made at me. Oh, and Sister's already irritated with me. So there ya go. Only M is not mad at me. And probably B. But B isn't talking to me right now.
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I went to the doctor again on Friday. He upped my meds. I finally asked the pharmacy at Wally-world how much the med will be a month. Yeah. Almost $200. Something like $177 per month, I believe is what she said. Better be some good shit for that much.
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OH! I have to say that I am in LOVE with ABC's "Once Upon a Time." In L-O-V-E. So good.

It is combining fantasy with life in today's world which is the curse. So living in today's world is the punishment! HA! They got that right!



I also like - Well, everything. Let's hope it continues to surprise and enthrall me
as it has been doing.