Unconscious

So. I've been mediating on the whole losing weight thing.
And. I can see me being fit and thin.
But for some reason this brought up the unhealthy in me.  The need to make a fucked-up decision (mistake) so that my life will continue to spiral and suck.
So. Apparently I've been envisioning seeing my ex.  (This also might have to do with the fact that I'm hard up. I need some bad.)

So what do I dream about? I dream about seeing him.  But I'm trying to see him again - at a motel or something.  And I can't see how to get my car over this canal (or whatever) so I'm going to cross on foot. And I fall in and get gross and wet. And when I finally get to our motel room, he's taking care of himself, if you get my drift.  He stops momentarily when I kind of crash in on him. But then begins again.  And I think, "I could join in if I blow him." And then I think, "Naw. I don't want to.  That'll take care of him.. but won't do a thing for me."  So I go in and take a shower to get the crap off of me.

So really here's my unconscious self yelling out "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY! Don't do this! Look at what would happen! You'd get stuck, covered in shit and still, you'd be without. Just don't do it."

I'm going to take the hint - for now.  I want to be able to promise myself I won't be that stupid, but I can't seem to make it stick.  I hope so.  It would be a complete waste of time, energy, money, self-esteem, brain power and would bring a new level to my shame.  Let's just not do this.

ok. So

Yeah, so.

I am disappointed.  I don't know how else to describe what I am feeling.  But he's the asshole, right? So why let him make me feel bad?  And what is that (stupid) saying?  Something like, no one can make you feel something that you don't give them permission to make you feel. ?  Huh?  
Whatever - it's me choosing to feel disappointed, right?

Ok, so.  I'm trying the stupid internet fat-girl dating site.  And I swear! there are at least 90% scammers on there.  And this last one . . . I've had my guard up but he was taking so long and being nice and talking about god, etc.  So I started to believe that he was nice.  What a fucking joke!
Tonight, he asked for me to "borrow" some money to him.  Yeah.  Fucking fucker with the fucked-up understanding of fucking English.

Hmph.  So.  Here I am.  Trying for real, finally, to take a step forward and attempt to live my life and fully experience the human condition.  And here are these stupid asses trying to cheat fat women out of their money.  Like fat = gullible = stupid and trusting and, apparently, rich.
 
And... as I am writing this, I have to laugh (almost).  This is part of the human condition, isn't it?  You put yourself out there and some of the people are assholes and maybe there are more assholes than not.  And if you are really lucky (or destined, whatever) you find the one diamond in the rough, right?

Ok.  So.

Now what, exactly?  I'll keep trying I guess.

Where to start?

Any ideas?

Something

Something big is going to happen.
I just haven't figured out what, yet.

It's dumb

Or maybe I should just write "I'm dumb."

The last posts have been true.. or I should say that they are my truth.  But I feel dumb, just the same.  And maybe. . . just maybe . . . "dumb" is the literal word.  I am struck dumb. . .unable to talk. My communication skills sorely lacking.

I am at a crossroads.  And I am impotent. Dumb. Unable to speak my desire, unable to even formulate my desires.

And I have hired a lawyer.  I am waiting for his firm, strong voice to tell me, to show me, the way.  Heh.  His strong voice.

He called me today.  I wouldn't exactly call his voice "strong" or "firm".  He did seem very nice though.

----
So I went and visited my old hippie friend last night.  Except she's really too old to be an old hippie.  Oh, well.  But the point is - she gave me my birthday present - s  Birthday PresentS.  One of the presents was a tarot deck.  She had opened it previously, unfortunately.  I know you don't believe any of this.  I don't either.  (Except I do - sort of.)  So.  I tried to put some of my energy on them... but it's all sugared and liquored up energy - so weird, right?  Anyway.  I did a spread (that I looked up on the internet - because I don't know how to do that.. I mean, Hello!)  and I asked about whether I would find true love.  Heh.  The first card - which was about me, was about how I am super strong.  And that must be good, because every other freaking card was all that nothing was going to work out.  Not as I'd planned, not as I wanted it to, not as a type A or a laid back "change comes when it's time" person.  Yeah.  NOT a good sign.

I'm a little horny.  Stupid maragaritas are making me write this disjointed, stupid (dumb) exclamation of my loneliness.  Ye-ah.  This was a great idea.

What do you do if you've known your entire life that what would make you happy is to find the other half of your soul that's somewhere out there in the great-big world?
And you ache for it, yearn for it.  That second part of yourself that will make you whole?
I'm been listening to a book on tape that has taken a romantic turn and now I'm maudlin.  I'm so sad.

You see, I know, I've always known what I really want out of life.  I've always wanted to "be happy." And that happiness, for me, can only come with the terrible, horrible soul-crushing, up-lifting, painful, joyful binding of me with another.  The perfect "other," the one other that completes me.
And how sad is it and how true it is that from a very early age, I knew that I was going to be alone. I would make all my decisions on my own, I would not share my responsibilities with a special "other," nor share my milestones with that one person, either.
And I've not put myself out there.  I haven't actively looked because of fear.  And I'm damaged.  I've had pain and disease inflicted upon me.  And the character flaws that I was born with that seem to me I shall never overcome, have not helped.  It seems they were perfectly fitted to compliment each other so that I will remain alone forever.

Girls. Or How I Wasted My Weekend.

I totally did waste my weekend.  *Totally* 
Ha!
I wasted time all weekend.  It felt wonderful.  I watched tv. I watched so much tv. Oh, gawd. It was good. Today, I actually had a nap.

I did not know if I liked or really hated GIRLS. I caught up on the episodes. And I liked them.

I really needed to work and work and work. I've been running in circles trying to accomplish - what exactly?  Success!  That's what I've been trying to accomplish.  Does one accomplish success?  One attains it.  I, for one, have not attained success.

How is it, when I reached a certain age, I figured something out. But not really.  I mean, I figured out that I wanted to work hard and attain something for myself.  And that something is a bit of business success.  Not much, really.  Just to be profitable and be able to pay myself a living wage.  And maybe more than that. Someday.
Yet, I haven't figured out how to do that.
And frack! I'm about to have ANOTHER birthday.  Seriously.  Another one.
And I'm trying to be amenable and take on a business partner.  That's fun. That'll work out well.  Well, truly I hope it will.

And so.  So, I've been running around trying to do my work, trying to do her work, trying to go to school to create a new life.
Yeah.
That's going to work out.

Again. New and Hope.

Ok. I don't know what this blog is supposed to be about. Other than it is about me. And my thoughts. I guess that it's ultimately about my struggles. My struggle to be the best me I can be.

I've finally figured out that is what I want. I want to be the best me possible. Perhaps, that way I can be happy. That way--I can find purpose in my life. Maybe. Maybe.

Hopefully.

Of course, there are some less lofty goals that I have. Like wanting to be able to pay my bills. Wanting a new car, wanting to travel, wanting a hot boyfriend with a crazy, hard body. Eh, I wouldn't mind a sick, hard body for myself either.

With my craziness, how do I trust the new path I'm on now?  Well, I don't know.  But I can tell you, I feel more like myself, more me than I have in a long time, maybe more than I ever have.  I know it's the fancy cocktail of designer drugs and I know that I have to continually adjust and check in with myself to make sure I don't lose myself.  There is fear involved.

So I'll try to be honest. I'll try to follow-through. And follow-up. And I have a lot of work to do - studying and traveling and working and schmoozing and exercising.  This is what I have to do.

So this is what I'll do.

Let's Try This *Again*

ok.
Let's start over.  A re-do, if you will. 
I want to be the most, optimum me I can be.

So let's start.

For the next 24 hours.  ooooh.  that might be too much.  Fuck.  Ok. 
For the next 90 minutes: I am going to get up and wash my stank off and wash my hair and brush my teeth.

I need to take my car in for service. Effectively stranding me for the day.  Perhaps I'll get some work done during that time.

Optimum me:
Start with clean hair, clean body, clean teeth. 
Work from there.

completely bereft

i had a huge fight with sister. and it wasn't even that huge. but something about it seems final. and i don't understand. i don't understand how she can not even feel remotely the least bit of understanding of what i'm doing, what i'm going through, and how hard i'm working.
and i can see her side - she thinks mom favored me and gave me everything i wanted. she thinks mom hated her and tried to do things to hurt, or at least not help her.
but i can see these old wounds. thinking those thoughts as a child, a teenager, a young adult. and then: finally growing up. letting some of it go. maybe not all, but some.
i do not see how she doesn't see me trying. and drowning. i don't understand.
i just do not understand how when i asked for help - i got attitude. so maybe i am the bitch.
but i cannot forgive her. not with out her apology. even if it isn't her fault. even if it is ultimately my fault. i need that apology. i needed help and i didn't get it. now i need an apology - and i think hell will come and go and i'll still be waiting, still be needing it.
and i cannot forgive her for that.