I am trying

But is "I am trying" a cop out? Because seriously, I really am.

I'm trying to construct a life - a different life. Not crazy different. But one filled with joy and love and happiness and friends and loved ones and good times. I know, I know that it won't always be joy or love or good times. But life just marches on. It doesn't care if you spent the last few days or months all alone or with good friends. It doesn't differentiate between time spent crying or time spent laughing. It just keeps moving on. And one day, you wake up and you're 40 or 60 or 80. And then what?

Will you have lovely memories, pictures in a book? Or will it be that your memories are of this tv show or that movie. Will it be that there is no one around to hear you laugh at a silly joke or reach out their hand for comfort?

I want a full life. One with all of it: pictures and memories (and even a few tv shows and movies), friends and family, and complicated joy and surprises.

I remember sitting in an urgent care with a broken hand and crying. Seemed like I had just gotten my life on track and I was exercising and eating well - and then on vacation (an extended weekend, really) I broke my hand. How was I going to exercise with a broken hand? And to try to soothe myself I told myself, "If you live Big, Big things happen. If you live small, small things happen." I kept repeating it.

To me: Big things might be bad, but they can also be wonderful. A new baby, a new car, a broken hand, a dream vacation.

Small things don't really matter much in the scheme of things. Find a dollar on the street, nice. Drop your favorite coffee mug and it shatters, bummer. Not too great; not too upsetting either.

With that philosophy: I've been trying to build this life. I've taken on many a new task. And I feel overwhelmed at times.

I'm making a family dinner for my aunt who is very sick. I hope she gets better, but I want to spend time with her and I want to bring her love and ease the burden some, if I can. I've been doing a lot for my dad. Because it needs to be done but also because the thought of him alone all day makes me cry. I'm trying to reach out to my cousins who I don't really know that well. I'm trying to reconnect with friends that are really more of acquaintances but have potential to be so much more.

These things are enjoyable, if stressful for me. Less stress=not doing much. So do more! And have more stress. It's ok.

Recently I've felt a very good friend pull away from me. I hope it isn't the life I've choosing for myself. I also don't want it to be that she's having a seriously hard time right now. Our emails are weird and feel strained to me. She's admitted that she's pulling back from all her relationships. I want to be right there waiting for this time to pass for her. I hope it does quickly, because I miss my friend.

We are all entitled to space but too much space can be detrimental. And I will wait. I will endeavor to learn patience. It's something I'm certainly not good at.
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Then there's the entire other side of life: living. The physical side, the concrete side of life. This body of mine -
I often feel betrayed by my body. But the truth is I'm the one putting the crap in. It's not its fault if it has to say, "No more!"

I need to work on the physical because it really does affect the emotional and the spiritual for me. And I haven't been trying on that. Well, sometimes I do. Trying to get off (and stay off) of sugar really does take a lot for me. I need to try again, and try again, and try again. I was gonna yesterday. But that Really Didn't Happen. I'll try again, real soon. I promise.
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Goal for today:

Make a list of wants - even if it means listing the do not wants first.