Now

That is a picture promo from the movie Bridesmaids. It took me a long time to find it and then place it here.

I was writing the "What the H?" post and I wanted this picture in that post. And it took forever to find a good one and then to figure out how to get it to load and meanwhile Mc came in and started talking to me and - I Forgot Completely What I Was Going For. I couldn't remember. What did the picture of Bridesmaids have to do with anything?

?

Blink. Blink.

A week later, I remembered! ? Senile so early? Yes, yes I have that. Senility.

Anyway. When Annie is trying to make nice with Helen, they go and play some tennis. Annie remarks that Lillian doesn't like competition and, therefore, doesn't like tennis/sports. Helen responds with something like, well she must have changed. And then it went back and forth. People can change. People stay the same. People can change who they are. People can change a little bit on the outside, but mostly stay the same deep down.

So that was my question: do people change? Do they have the capacity to fundamentally change who they are?

Do we stay the same deep down? Probably. Is this a problem? Maybe. I will always crave sugar and high fat foods. Cheesecake, good cheesecake will always haunt my dreams (probably. unfortunately.). Can I lose weight and keep it off and live a healthy lifestyle?

And it's also more than that. Can I change the things that are a part of what makes me who I am but I dislike?

What if the answer is "no"? If it is, why bother trying?

The diet industry, for example, tells us we can change - but every year the same people are spending A LOT to try the newest diet aid, fad or exercise gadget. And when I write a lot, I mean a lot: 40 Billion Dollars American every year. So the diet industry is saying we can but knows that we really aren't. We're desperate and we're staying desperate.

And desperate we are. Dictionary.com reads that the meaning of desperate is reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency. Ever seen someone with SlimFast in their grocery cart? Ever known someone staying up late at night ordering the newest ab-building, waist-handled exercise video? Reckless with their money and full of urgent despair. Whoops! Sorry, that was me I was describing.

My question is really is: Can I change? Can I make my life into something I want, something that ultimately advances happiness or am I doomed to wallowing and to thinking, "what if?"

I don't think it's fair to live my life that way. Life isn't fair. Is that the end of the story?

I don't think so. Change is hard. Change, for me, can be petrifying. -Again with the definition- to be so afraid you can't move or think. That's what can happen for me. I get so scared that I stop moving forward - and maybe start moving backward- messing up months of progress in a single weekend or low point.
Also, I get easily distracted. Look! Something shiny!
Whoops!

So here I go again. It is day three of No Sugar. I went to Trader Joe's, picked up the non-sugar bread plus another kind I am hoping my father will enjoy.

I'm putting my money, my life actually, on the idea that I *can* change. That I can be more the person I want and fundamentally change deep down.

I want to be the person who looks happy from the outside and who actually is on the inside.
I want to be smart and funny and read great novels.
I want to go to the theater and the ballet and be fabulous.
I want to sit in a chair with arms and be comfortable. Maybe even put my purse next to me.
I want to know that I am truly loved. I want to feel that feeling.
I want to like what I see in the mirror.
I want to feel healthy and strong. -Mentally and physically.
I want to be confident and kind.
I want to travel and have lots of (good) friends.
I want Love.

On this day I will work towards those wants. On this day, I will struggle to be more the person I want. I want to be a good person but I also want to be a good person who is happy.

I wish us happiness and love. And I'm gonna start fighting for it. This is me - and I'm taking a stand. It begins now. (Shit, I'm scared!)

*BTW: If you haven't seen Bridesmaids, go see it. Go now.*