Now

That is a picture promo from the movie Bridesmaids. It took me a long time to find it and then place it here.

I was writing the "What the H?" post and I wanted this picture in that post. And it took forever to find a good one and then to figure out how to get it to load and meanwhile Mc came in and started talking to me and - I Forgot Completely What I Was Going For. I couldn't remember. What did the picture of Bridesmaids have to do with anything?

?

Blink. Blink.

A week later, I remembered! ? Senile so early? Yes, yes I have that. Senility.

Anyway. When Annie is trying to make nice with Helen, they go and play some tennis. Annie remarks that Lillian doesn't like competition and, therefore, doesn't like tennis/sports. Helen responds with something like, well she must have changed. And then it went back and forth. People can change. People stay the same. People can change who they are. People can change a little bit on the outside, but mostly stay the same deep down.

So that was my question: do people change? Do they have the capacity to fundamentally change who they are?

Do we stay the same deep down? Probably. Is this a problem? Maybe. I will always crave sugar and high fat foods. Cheesecake, good cheesecake will always haunt my dreams (probably. unfortunately.). Can I lose weight and keep it off and live a healthy lifestyle?

And it's also more than that. Can I change the things that are a part of what makes me who I am but I dislike?

What if the answer is "no"? If it is, why bother trying?

The diet industry, for example, tells us we can change - but every year the same people are spending A LOT to try the newest diet aid, fad or exercise gadget. And when I write a lot, I mean a lot: 40 Billion Dollars American every year. So the diet industry is saying we can but knows that we really aren't. We're desperate and we're staying desperate.

And desperate we are. Dictionary.com reads that the meaning of desperate is reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency. Ever seen someone with SlimFast in their grocery cart? Ever known someone staying up late at night ordering the newest ab-building, waist-handled exercise video? Reckless with their money and full of urgent despair. Whoops! Sorry, that was me I was describing.

My question is really is: Can I change? Can I make my life into something I want, something that ultimately advances happiness or am I doomed to wallowing and to thinking, "what if?"

I don't think it's fair to live my life that way. Life isn't fair. Is that the end of the story?

I don't think so. Change is hard. Change, for me, can be petrifying. -Again with the definition- to be so afraid you can't move or think. That's what can happen for me. I get so scared that I stop moving forward - and maybe start moving backward- messing up months of progress in a single weekend or low point.
Also, I get easily distracted. Look! Something shiny!
Whoops!

So here I go again. It is day three of No Sugar. I went to Trader Joe's, picked up the non-sugar bread plus another kind I am hoping my father will enjoy.

I'm putting my money, my life actually, on the idea that I *can* change. That I can be more the person I want and fundamentally change deep down.

I want to be the person who looks happy from the outside and who actually is on the inside.
I want to be smart and funny and read great novels.
I want to go to the theater and the ballet and be fabulous.
I want to sit in a chair with arms and be comfortable. Maybe even put my purse next to me.
I want to know that I am truly loved. I want to feel that feeling.
I want to like what I see in the mirror.
I want to feel healthy and strong. -Mentally and physically.
I want to be confident and kind.
I want to travel and have lots of (good) friends.
I want Love.

On this day I will work towards those wants. On this day, I will struggle to be more the person I want. I want to be a good person but I also want to be a good person who is happy.

I wish us happiness and love. And I'm gonna start fighting for it. This is me - and I'm taking a stand. It begins now. (Shit, I'm scared!)

*BTW: If you haven't seen Bridesmaids, go see it. Go now.*

September 2011

I made it through a day of no sugar!

It's really quite difficult.

For example - there are no breads offered at Wal-mart that do Not have sugar in them. As a matter of fact, it has gotten so bad that sugar is now the third ingredient in most (probably more than 90%) of the brands/kinds of bread. And these were the "whole" grain or wheat kinds. The kinds that are supposed to be healthy! A couple of the types had sugar or high fructose corn syrup as the second ingredient! Ummm.. what??

I ended up purchasing the bread that had sugar listed farthest down on the list - and then I did Not have a sandwich as planned, just a salad. I did have a helluva lot of cheese. So much Fat! Oh, well. One thing at a time, I suppose.

I seriously almost caved late last night as the chocolate chip cookies were staring at me. But my laziness prevailed and I did not eat them. I think. I had a dream that I did - but I'm pretty sure it was a dream as the cookies were not moved or disturbed from their place.
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I have a terrible feeling today. Ever heard of a sinking feeling? Well, that's what I've got.

Also: I still have to report that anytime someone says my mother's name, I break inside. Mostly it's my dad mentioning this or that about her, what she did or what she didn't like. It kills me and I ache.

Another thing that sets me off - beyond consolation is grandmother stuff. The thought of my kids never meeting her just rips me up, tears me into little shreds and I splinter and catch on fire as the lava flows into my lungs.

Yeah, this is so much fun, right?

So enough of that!

What can I post that would be better? I should mention the above is completely absurd as I don't have kids and at this point, I may never have them. Yeah. That wasn't cheery. We'll move on.
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I should probably point out that a really cool thing is happening. Not around here - but hopefully it will make its way all the way across this country. Next stop the world!

Occupy Wall Street

It's wicked cool and I wish I were there to support them. Actually - to support us. It's for me too. I'm certainly not in the 1%. That being the wealthiest of the wealthy. The top 1% own more than 40% of the worlds wealth.

Now, that being said, I am one of those people who do want to have the wealth redistributed. I believe that we should all be able to live and not have to go hungry or live in the elements. I am Not a Robin Hood type that wants to steal from the rich and give to the poor.

I think people who are wealthy should be able to enjoy it. They should be able to have a nice house (crazy big, with gold plated crapper) and a nice car or two, if they want it. I do NOT believe that they should have more than they or their children or their children's children could possibly spend in a lifetime.

It's ok (IMHO) for people to be successful and to make a buck. I'm just saying that we all should be able to make a living wage. Accumulation of wealth is nice - but there are other people who may need your help. Helping them will not diminish you. Something to think about.

I wasn't trying to preach, I was just trying to give my opinion. Make a buck, take care of you and yours, and then give back. It's a cycle that would serve everyone well.
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It's the end of September and I haven't anything to show for it. I did have a really nice time going cross country and I hope to get to repeat that sometime soon.
Work is so busy and I can't seem to concentrate. I'd better get my act in gear.

So far today, I haven't had any sugar and have done some work. Not a lot, but some. Ok. Got to get on the ball. I have a client coming in in about a half an hour.

So much to do!

Pretty

This is just because he's pretty and pretty damn likeable.

I should give credit to the TV addict dot com for this picture. It's on there though.

I wish you Love

This morning while getting ready and the myriad of things was tumbling through my mind, I started thinking about Nathan Fillion. Who, let's face it, is wonderful. And I was thinking about a tweet he sent out yesterday in support of his past castmate from Firefly, Dr. Simon Tam, or in the real world - Sean Maher!

Sean Maher just came out of the closet in a spectacular interview. In it he expressed regret that he never told his Firefly castmates because he felt, even now, that they were like family. There were a flurry of tweets, this way and that, all supporting him. I did not know any of this because I did not "follow" anyone besides Mr. Fillion. I read the tweet from Fillion to Maher and it read essentially that it is sad for anyone to be suffering because of who they are and we loved you then and we love you now.

Wow. Nice, right? I replied to both of them that they were class acts. Not the best response to be sure, but there you go.

So this morning I was thinking about Fillion and Maher and how Maher was happy and a dad and in a long-term relationship. And I thought, I wish them Love. My next thought was, "That's all I ever wish for people: Love."

And it's true. I wish it, with all my heart, in all its fragments. I wish them, everyone of them, everyone of you, Love.

And I wish it for myself.

And so, if I wish it for myself, why do I not strive for it? What does it mean for me to have Love in my life? What would it take for me to have Love in my life? Why am I not giving myself love? (Big L and small l.)

And so here we go again folks.

I am striving yet again to treat myself better. To treat myself with Love/love.

No more sugar.
Exercise, with care.
Take care of outside, take care of in.
Treat self as precious -- as if a mother holding her first babe.

This is day one.
And already I forget. But I try, try.

Let's be forgiving, shall we?

Let's endeavor for Love, aim for it, manuever towards it, focus on nothing but it.

Love.

I wish it for all of us.

Do I get credit?

It's Sunday afternoon and right on schedule, I'm late again. I just stuck the roast in the slow cooker, so that's got to be an oxymoron, right?

Sundays are usually very busy because I get up a little later than normal and then go to my dad's to get him breakfast or to go out to breakfast (lately) and then go to the grocery and then prepare dinner for my aunt, dad and sister, if she decides to come. (I think that's the definition of a run-on sentence.) Anyway, it always takes forever because I don't know what I'm going to fix and so I wander around the grocery store for ingredients that should probably consist of staples and, therefore, I should have on hand but never do.

I try to get some laundry done because I don't/can't do laundry during the week because I'm on a special 9-9 plan with the power company to try to control costs. -Which should not really be a big deal because my current roommate (Mc) doesn't exactly keep normal hours, so he could, in theory, do his laundry during the week after 9 pm when I'm not even home. He does not. And so most weeks when I come home there is tons of laundry piled up guy-fashion in the machine so that I am unable to start mine. But he's normally cleared out by Sunday and so I begin.

Back to the Sunday conundrum. I, apparently, am trying to be a domestic goddess. And, truthfully, I don't understand why it's so difficult. It doesn't sound difficult. I used to make dinner all the time when I was "on program." (When I was eating a nutritionist-designed meal plan and creating healthy, yummy dinners for me and my roommate at the time, M.) And so it didn't used to be difficult, but let me tell you, it *really* is.

So I spend my day running here and there and shopping and cleaning and doing laundry and preparing food and packing and unpacking and cleaning over at my aunt's and cleaning over at my dad's.

This, by the way, is not for which I was asking the question about credit. That is a completely unrelated issue. After a short discussion with my father, we have decided to put the family business - the franchise really- up for sale. This FREAKS ME OUT. I don't know that this is my choice. But, I believe that if we put it up for sale and some one buys it - we get something out of it. I believe that if we do Not put it for sale and we decide to close, we get nothing. Nothing. I think the franchise just reverts back to the parent company. -- SO. I was going to call a trusted person and ask his opinion and ask if this line of thinking was correct. Because he's in the business. Oh, and by the way, I used to be totally, completely, fucking-insane in love with this man. So. I dialed the number - and felt completely ill. Just sick. But I pushed send anyway. The number says it is out of service. Not like - "it's broken and we'll fix it" out of service but "they don't have this phone anymore" out of service. But I don't know. I don't know if it's been temporarily turned off as that's the feeling the recording gave me or he quit his job and quit this phone six months ago.

That's what I think I should get credit for. I freakin' called someone I probably want to call but shouldn't call but really need to call. Like a grown up. And it wasn't *my* fault he didn't answer. I put the effort in. I want the credit. That's all I'm saying. Also. I called the number from two different phones, just to be sure.
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Ok, I know you're waiting for it. The report on how my geekyNess went down. A and I did meet up with a very charming and polite man. (Although I must confess that his name reminds me of a serial killer's name - Or- Valdemort's real name. Oh! And he's British, so you know, there is that.)

He is married and his wife enjoys Fantasy/Sci-Fi and gaming as much as he does, apparently. Although, she was unable to come as she was in Italy. Oh, darn.

A and I drove to his house. I was particularly harried and concerned because I was running late and I hate, hate, hate being late. But we got there safe and sound and traveled to the Tucsons and went to the historic Fox Theatre and watched Serenity. And it was super-fun.

I especially enjoyed the Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. You could hear members of the audience singing the songs. It made me happy. The ending of Dr. Horrible always upsets me a little because I Always (ALWAYS) want a happy ending. I don't care how contrived the story has to be to get there, I just want puppies and rainbows ALL OF THE TIME. Yes. I *am* the target American audience. It's true.

A and I had a couple of drinks at the hotel lounge and then went back to the room and settled in and watched part of The Bourne Supremacy before nodding off.

A and I got up a little early, got ourselves set and had breakfast. We were completely ready, checked out and waiting for MWrit when he arrived. He's a super interesting guy who has among his hobbies taiko and amber gaming. Parts of this sound interesting to me. Parts sound hideously boring. I'll leave it to you to form your own opinion.

After leaving MWrit's home, A and I came the final trek home. We discussed things. I want to travel- pretty badly. And of all my friends, he seems the most likely well suited for such endeavors. However, he never has - so this could be complete conjecture. Problem is - isn't this the same problem we all have? - Finances. So, if he's really serious about going - he just needs to put money aside. That's all any of us has to do, really. Really. If you want A bad enough, you forgo B. Unless of course, B is eating, rent, gas money. Which, sometimes, it really, really is. I get that. I really do.

This afternoon, I sent A the link to the state department's website for first time passport applicants. I hope this works.

Oh! Going back a bit. Joss Whedon had a little intro clip about the fans of Serenity and what kind of good the fans are doing in the world - and what it means to be a feminist. Gawd Bless Joss Whedon. I'm just saying. Love that man. Crushed, crushed that he is married. Well, not really, but damn! she got a good guy!

So I'll put a little picture of the ceiling of the Fox Theatre here so that you can see A) what a terrible photographer I am and B) how lovely the ceiling was (although you won't be able to enjoy the light fixture but it was something).

Saturday Morning - Anyone Feel Like a ROAD Trip?

So. Trying to create this life I want. Trying to spend time with friends and family and make new friends. And do something freaking interesting.

Yeah, here's the thing: You won't find it interesting. Gawd, please let it be interesting. I am (drum roll) going to the Tucson Big Damn Shindig. Yep. You have no idea what that means, do you? Not sure that I do myself. BUT. I am going.

See Joss Whedon had a short-run tv series, Firefly. Fans liked it so much that years later he finally got to make a movie based on the tv series, Serenity. Now, I wasn't on board for the tv show. I remember A telling me about it and how wasn't that cool? And I was all. . . Yeah? But A and I went and saw the movie in the theater and I really did like it. So later I bought the series and watched it.

And then some random guy told me on a bus/shuttle thing about "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" and it sounded HiLarIOus. It is kinda great. Really, it is.

And this year I had the idea to buy A and G tickets to Phoenix ComicCon for their birthdays. (They are just days apart.) And there - among all the stuff - sat the Browncoats.

The Browncoats are fans of the series/movie. And once a year they have Can't Stop The Serenity (CSTS). That means once a year they put the movie in a real theater to see it on the big screen - AND all the proceeds go to charity. And Joss Whedon's favorite charity is Equality Now! Freaking Fabulous, yes? YES! A feminist charity for women (and all females). I could get on board with Joss Whedon!

So, A and I decided to go down and I signed us up to carpool hoping to meet people and bing-bang-boom. We are going to CSTS Tucson!

I am hoping that we end up meeting some people. And maybe make some friends. So far though, we have a maybe on the carpool as no one has signed up to go with us. I reached out to one of the other drivers to see if he wanted to go together and got a big, fat "maybe" from the deal.

Oh, well. I'm sure we will have a good time, I am not sure that we will meet anyone and expand our ever-shrinking horizons. I hope we do. I hope we meet people and make the kind of friends that I so desperately crave.

Here's hoping. Wish me luck!

What the H? It's 10 am already?

Ok.

So.

I have not been writing but I've been thinking about it a lot. I've been writing posts in my head and reading other people's posts and thinking, "Hey! They said what I'd like to say, but waaay more eloquently than I ever could." And let's be honest, my last couple of posts sucked. Yeah, I said it and you read it. They Sucked.

I've been thinking about what I'd like to say and what kind of theme this blog should have and who I am and who I'd like to be. It seems like a stupid, muddled up thing. I am who I am, right? Yes, but no. I always want to be more. I am never comfortable with where I am now. I am never, ever forgiving of who I am. And we can always change, right?

Can we always change? Because I'm doing a shitty job of changing. I'm still fat, still unhappy, still 40 (Although I'm *totally* not. I will cut you.), still fighting mental illness, still not in a relationship, - wow, this is NOT cheering me up. Point is: I haven't been doing a great job of changing.

I've even stopped my whole "I'm fucking 40 and I don't want to look 80" regime. I haven't been washing my face at night. I haven't been flossing. I haven't been moisturizing or sunscreening or giving a shit. I'm lucky to fucking brush my teeth and wash my hair.

I've been eating ice cream. And M&M's. And pizza. Oh, by the fucking way: Girl, remember how you don't eat Asian food because you fucking throw up? Yeah, stop fucking eating pizza. You throw up, you fucking moron! (Said with love.)

Work is getting out of control. Everything is slipping. The "trying to be a good daughter" shtick is getting real old. And now, being on the meds - I'm not caring so much. They're numbing me out - just a bit - just enough. Just enough to not want to die, but to let everything fall apart, too.

And I'm busy. I'm trying to spend time with friends and family and make more friends and create this life that I want.

How do I make the life I want? How do I stop whining about it?

Do something fucking interesting!

I am so over me right now. Forgive me if I take a break - this is getting ridiculous.

So Busy at Work. Don't know what I'm doing.

That's comforting, isn't it? I have so many things to do and I am trying to accomplish at least one of them - and I can't seem to figure out how to do the stupid stuff! That's not true. I can figure out how to do it, it's just taking what I feel is an unreasonably long amount of time to do it.

Also: I have too many things to do and I am flitting from one thing to another when the first thing is not complete, but taking too long. I'm a little scattered, to say the least.

I need to make a list of the things that need to be done so that I can at least get a handle on it. At least then I'll know what I'm avoiding. Or attempting to do, whichever motivation is stronger that particular day.

Ok. I am making a list right now. I don't want to do any of these things. On a positive note, I checked the last list I made and there only seems to be two things left on that list, one of which is always, *always* on the list. They, of course, went onto the new list.
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Enough talk about boring lists.

I went to the doctor on Monday. It was another particularly bad day. I took half a pill in the afternoon and slept until approximately 6. I got up and called my dad and decided not to go over. I took another 1/2 pill and went to bed.

Tuesday morning with the terrible, long drive - I think I've decided something. I just don't wanna. I think I truly need to start coming down here on Monday afternoons. That Tuesday morning drive is murder. And if I don't work something out, it will be, literally. What if I fall asleep driving? Too terrible to think about.

I've noticed in just the couple of days since I've been on the Seroquel, I'm zoning out. I should let Dad drive, but. . . Honestly, he's not a good driver. It would be close to call whose the worse driver - him or a passed-out me. I just need Not to pass out. I think the books on tape really help with that. I didn't get one this week. I won't make that mistake again.
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Coming down here was particularly difficult - well, no. Coming down wasn't. But our arrival. It was achingly painful. It's like trying to learn to breathe underwater - except the water is molten lava. My soul hurts. I think the medicine is helping, if at least to numb me out. It's a small dose - I just have to not loose sight of what it is I want.

Wait, what was it again?

I do. I need to work it out. Find what makes me happy and pursue it with all my might. With all my fight.

Monday Morning Blues.

Except now it is Monday afternoon.

I did go to the doctor. This went quite well. We (he) decided to put me on Seroquel. I was on it some time ago but got panicked and went off of it when was told there was a link between it and diabetes. And as I already have a hard-wiring for diabetes, I figured I didn't need any help getting there.

Only problem with the Seroquel. Freaking Pricey! $200 american, to be exact. This will take some adjusting to the budget, I can tell you.

I was having such a crap day, I attempted to cut it in half and take some early. It didn't cut exactly in half so I took the small half and went to bed -- for most of the afternoon.

You know what?????

Here. Go Here: http://thebloggess.com/2010/10/furiously-happy/

FURIOUSLY HAPPY! If you haven't read The Bloggess, what are you waiting for? Go! Go now!
And I'm tired and she's sooo much better than me and you MUST go read her, now!

Oh and she's very funny-- here's one so that you know she's HI Lar I Ous!
http://thebloggess.com/2010/03/wtf-me/

Actually! The bottom link is my act of being Furiously Happy! This is me deciding to be FURIOUSLY HAPPY and FUCK! all the bad stuff stirring around in my head.

Also, fuck. You will now go and read her (GOOD! Go!) but you will never come back to read me. Darn! Oh, well. Totally worth it, I guess. No. Totally Worth It! #FURIOUSLYHAPPY

And here is a picture that always makes me smile. I don't know who to give the credit to, but it was on a greeting card. Cutest Face EVAH!