Friday, March 30, 2012

completely bereft

i had a huge fight with sister. and it wasn't even that huge. but something about it seems final. and i don't understand. i don't understand how she can not even feel remotely the least bit of understanding of what i'm doing, what i'm going through, and how hard i'm working.
and i can see her side - she thinks mom favored me and gave me everything i wanted. she thinks mom hated her and tried to do things to hurt, or at least not help her.
but i can see these old wounds. thinking those thoughts as a child, a teenager, a young adult. and then: finally growing up. letting some of it go. maybe not all, but some.
i do not see how she doesn't see me trying. and drowning. i don't understand.
i just do not understand how when i asked for help - i got attitude. so maybe i am the bitch.
but i cannot forgive her. not with out her apology. even if it isn't her fault. even if it is ultimately my fault. i need that apology. i needed help and i didn't get it. now i need an apology - and i think hell will come and go and i'll still be waiting, still be needing it.
and i cannot forgive her for that.