Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Ok. Habits are hard to form.

And even harder to break, right?

Well.  I have not forgotten.  But I have not been checking in, either.  It's been a whirlwind. 
First:  Sister is out of the hospital.  She got out on Tuesday afternoon. Without a lot of fanfare.  Or even any real instructions.  Going back and forth to her was a strain.  She was very stressed/depressed.  They gave her ativan - I was shoving it down her throat at one point.  She was soo upset and it wasn't good.  They didn't tell us what it was - no explanation. But maybe they did give her one and I wasn't there to hear it.  She was so out of it, she didn't know what was going on.
Second: Send dad down to the offices.  He came down. Probably didn't do anything, but brought a hell of a lot of mail back to me.
Third: Did get appointment for Sister at heart specialist (and other doctor appointments).  Explanation:  she did this to herself.  Her (unadmitted) alcoholism caused high blood pressure. Which went untreated for gawd knows how long.  So something happened, some trigger (or it just got worse), and her heart started racing - because it was out of rhythm. A. fib.  Anyway.. it's racing away and making her out of breath and tired.  She took some speed.  Sent her heart into way, way overdrive.  She went to hospital.  They basically treated her - well, not badly, but not great.  The medicines have the HBP under control and her pulse is better. The breathing is a little easier.  She's still in arrhythmia.  She doesn't have health insurance.  We'll need to see.  I've got to see about getting her some health insurance.
Fourth:  I DID Go See The Monkees!  It was fun! And then Mon and I went ahead and went to Oceanside.  So. Much! Goodness!  So, so good!  and Fun!  Great, great time.
Fifth:  I watched a documentary about juice fasting.  The people in the movie had incredible, almost unbelievable results.  (Note to self: if they were that incredible/unbelievable, why do you believe it???)  All from juicing.  For extended periods of time.  Probably not the healthiest thing to do.  But! it has inspired me to start a diet.  I am eating/drinking nothing but fruits and veggies.  And the occasional source of protein.  Heeee.   I keep adapting it.  Trying to make it more healthy - and less extreme, but still have crazy good results.  It probably doesn't work like that, does it? 
-So:  I started on Monday.  And did really well.  And then I ate a pie.  Yes, an entire pie.  My orange dream pie. V good. 
-So, I started again yesterday - Tuesday.  Had my morning smoothie.  It has oj, frozen strawberries and banana (with protein powder). Had Wendy's Berry Chicken Salad for lunch.  And then for dinner from Outback, I had their seasonal steamed veggies (which truth be told probably had butter, because they were delish) which consisted of broccoli, squash, (very few) snap peas and carrots.  Last night I was hungry.  So I had some sunflower seeds, some blueberries and a little bit of strawberries.
-Today I had my morning smoothie, then a nectarine for snack, and now a Subway salad - which mostly consists of shredded iceberg - but I had them add a little spinach, onion, pickle, tomato, peppercinis, not enough green pepper to talk about, and some cucumber.  I emptied the contents of the red wine vinegar on top and just slightly drizzled their oil stuff on it.

I have been continuing to wash my face at night (shower) and moisturize.  And put on sunscreen. Oh! and floss!  Don't forget that, because it is Not my favorite. I've had to switch to not take my vitamin at night.  It makes me throw up.  So weird, because that never happened before.  But now, I think it's happened two or three times.  So not a fan of that.  Need to switch to the morning.  Just get 'er done.
I have been cooking more of our meals.  And! had a really good reaction to a pork roast on Sunday.  So that was very encouraging.  Yay! 
Have been shopping less at Wal-Mart. So that's good.  But even as I write this, I totally want to make a Wal-Mart run.  Huh.  Have to work on that one.
Have Not been exercising.  Not even a little.  Need to concentrate a little more on this one.

And so:  verdict.   I am going to keep checking in and being accountable to myself. Keep on the veggies.  They are soo good.  Drink more water. Do it! Do it! Do it! 


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

What day is it? Oh, yeah Day 5 (I just checked)

Ok.  So I survived. And.  Well, I survived.  It wasn't as terrible as expected--but yeah, I pretty much just shut down.  I'm going to make a simple list of things for today.  My capacity for bullshit is very limited right now.

1)  Visit Sister in hospital.
2)  Fold laundry at Dad's.  (This is cheating because I have to do this anyway -- but I'm totally sticking it on the list because I deserve a freaking check mark!)
3)  Start reading homework material.  --I have to do my homework early this week because I'm gonna go outta town (hopefully.. that's the plan anyway).  Yay! Monkees and then the beach.
4)  Send card to cousin.  I have the money.  I have the writing utensil.  I have what I'm going to say.  I have the stationery.  I have the address now.  All I need is the stamp and the will to put it all on paper and stick it in the freakin' mail box!!!!!  Do it!

That's it.  I keep adding more.  I want this to be a complete day.  I want the things to actually be accomplished and I want to cut myself a break. 

That's it. - for all of us.

5)  Cut yourself a break.  Be nice and forgiving of yourself today.

Ok.  Wish me luck.

Also:  I watched a thing on juice dieting/detoxing.  So interesting.  I'm not putting it on the list.  But I'd like to see some more research on that phenom.  It looks like it's just forcing your body into ketosis.  That's not really always healthy.

oh, and LUCK!

Monday, July 11, 2011

I did not forget this morning. And Review. Go!

I did not forget this morning. 

However.  Had I written a post this morning the intentions list would have been.

1)  To Survive the Day.

And as it is now the end of the day, I have survived it.  I didn't do much more than that.

I did get my toes done.  I did buy some lovely plants at Trader's while purchasing some flowers for my sister and take them to her in the hospital.  I did go to dad's (twice) and cook him and me breakie. 

Not on the list - or in any way productive:  watched the last two available episodes of Ruby.  Lay depressed in the bed, needing sleep and not getting any. Eat nearly an entire pie of the Orange Dream variety.

Not on the list but ok in my book.  Made the delish salad for Mc and myself.  Watched a documentary about juice fasting.  Am going to check it out.  Am super tired now.  Think I will go and actually get some sleep (?) hopefully.

I am going to start fresh tomorrow.  Dust myself off and start fresh.

Oh, and my nephew is a good boy (man).  I love him.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

End of the Road, Jack - or day three a retrospective

I did Not Accomplish a Lot. I will tell you why. Four little letters.
L I F E or in my case l i f e.


I did go to dad's and make breakfast and then clean kitchen and I actually accomplished quite a bit. Well more than my 15 minutes there. Check Mark!

I did take girls with me. I love them and it was fun. Check mark.

I did go to grocery and buy the ingredients for dessert and salad. This was not on my list but I knew that I'd probably be doing this. But no check.

I Did swing by the bank and get cash for card to send. I forgot to buy card but had the idea that I should not purchase a card, but use one from around here. I did find a card (and got the cash) and I asked cousin's sister for their address so I can mail card/cash. Check mark.

I decided Not to go to DIY store - dad said he was going to and I decided to not stop him. He needs to do more stuff and I didn't need to do it. So score - and check mark because it was done.

I did not do red crate. I did not do 5 minutes in my room (yet-maybe). Sister called and is in the hospital. I did not go to aunt's with food I prepared - went to see my sister. I hope everything will be ok. I really do.
Life sometimes gets in the way of our intentions. That's why we have to continue to strive towards what we want / what we believe will make us happy. It's all we can do.

Day 3. Here We Go. . .

So Sundays are always crazy busy.  And I think it goes back to -- Shit Always Takes Longer Than You Think!!
Shit always takes longer than you think it will.  It does.  It just does.
So I've got to quickly get this done because I have a shit-ton of other things that have to be done.
This is not just a to-do list.  This is an Intentions list. There's a helluva lot of things that I'm going to do today.  But I know they must be accomplished.  For instance:  1) have to get dad breakfast. 2) have to go grocery shopping. 3) have to work on my laundry. 4) have to do dad's laundry. 5) have to make dinner for aunt and dad - and hopefully, make it taste good, pack up all the food, drive it over there, consume food, do dishes-clean up, pack everything back up, drive back to dad's clean there. 6) have to sunscreen and do life-changing edict.
I think you get the point. But, honestly, I'm not sure I do.
Oh, the point I was trying to make is these things are things that I'm gonna do any way.  So this list is things that I want to do, that will be good for me in the long run, and hopefully, will finally bring some peace into my life (or, at the very least, a lot of LESS stress).

So, with that in mind - I have already emptied out the red crate onto the kitchen table.  I will get through the red crate today.  (I don't know if you know this, but I'm an idiot.  --I honestly do not have time for this.)
I will buy card for cousin and go get cash.  I don't have time for this one either. 
I will clean dad's kitchen.  Ok, this one's a cheat.  I have to do this anyway.  Ok... I will actually do 15 minutes at dad's.
I will do 5 minutes in my room. (any extra is a bonus)
I will run to Home Depot and buy toilet-y thing that broke on dad's toilet and drain cleaner stuff. (or to Lowe's)
I will bring girls with me to dad's.

That's it.  That doesn't seem like a lot.  But it really, really is.

Seriously, wish me luck. 
Good Luck, Girl!

Day 2 in Review

So checking in a little late but this is, apparently, when the day is ending.  I still have yet to do my nightly regime. But I will.  I feel nasty.

I did not accomplish all I set before myself today.  Not a great start, considering it is only day two.

I set myself an extra goal of finding out the expense of an upcoming vacation and sending the money plus a card to my cousin who has so far paid for it.  I did call to find the price of the tour and did look on the internet for the price of the room.  BUT I did Not buy a card nor did I send it yet (or go to the bank for the cash--I'm afraid if I send a check, she won't cash it).  So Half A Check Mark!  I'm going to allow.  Judge rules ok.

  • I did manage to do my homework.  It took quite a while.  But I did it and I'm feeling pretty ok about it.  Well Deserved Check Mark.
  • I did do 15 minutes at dad's (at least).  Plus we ran around and got the circuit breaker fixed and purchased a voltage meter -- and then went back again to get a battery for the darn thing.  Good Things Check Mark.
  • I did write a very nice email apologizing for bad behavior.  Trying Hard Check Mark.
I did not Do:
The red crate.  I did go grocery shopping and made dinner for alb and me and it was delish.  I know I am taking that salad I made today to my aunt's tomorrow.  I am happy--it was good.
15 in my room.  I may still do this.  I most likely will Not.  It is nearly 3 and I need to cut myself a break.
No check for Crate or Room.  :(
Extra happiness for cleaning strawberries and freezing them and making delish dinner and spending time with friend(s).

I will try harder tomorrow.

Saturday, July 09, 2011

Intention. Day 2

Good morning.  It is a hot Saturday.  And I need to consider my intentions for the day.
I know, because I do it every Saturday, that I have to do my homework this morning.  So, I will do my homework.
I still haven't gone to the grocery for me.  But, I guess, what do I really need here?  Hmmm.  I don't know.  Is that my intention for today? To go to the grocery? - no.  It is not.  It might happen but it might not.  So that stays off the list.
I think we had good success with the 15 minutes at dad's and mine so:
I will clean at least 15 minutes at dad's house (other than normal maintenance).
I will clean at least 15 minutes in my room.
ohhh, I need to write an apology to a friend and send them a message.  So.  Ugh.  So.  I need to send off a message to a friend in manner of apology and congratulations on promotion. 
Work stuff:  I will go through the red crate full of papers and sort, shred and etc. 
Ok.  Well, for a Saturday, that seems ok.
So to run it down:
  • Homework
  • 15 minutes cleaning dad's
  • 15 minutes cleaning room
  • write and send apology and congratulations
  • go thru red crate of work stuff
  • find out share of vacay, buy card and send it to cousin (I added 1)
  • continue with edict
Have a good day.  You can do it.  Ugh.  No, really.  You Can Do It.

End of First Day

Ok.  Let's check in and see how I did.
  • I got my dishwasher installed.  I'm going to count that as a check mark.
  • I tried out the dishwasher.  I think I might love it.  Check mark
  • I Did go grocery shopping (and I didn't use the rollie cart even though my knee is crazy).  And I did make breakfast for dad and a healthy omelet for me.  Double Check Mark!
  • I did print off my homework material.  I did not read it, but plan to before bed. But, really, that would be an extra check mark as I only had the intention of printing it, which I did.  Check mark.
  • I did not buy a shredder.  BUT I did find one at mom's and brought it home.  So, 1) I saved money, 2) I got rid of something at mom's and 3) I did get a shredder. So go Triple Check Mark!!!
  • I did do at least 15 minutes of work at dad's.  I cleared off the king bed and put the spongee-mattress thingee on and covered the mattress with a new mattress pad.  I threw out some trash (while in the process of clearing the bed).  -the stupid dryer quit working, so I don't know what we're going to do about that... but that's a different thing.  So.  Check mark.
  • I did do (and was in a really pissy mood) my 15 minutes here in my room.  I folded some bedding and put it away and hung some (very few) clothes.  But it was the required 15 minutes and as G's mom likes to say, "As the monkey who peed in the ocean says, 'Every little bit helps.'" And so it does.  Check mark.
  • I did go to the movies with Mon and Alb. Enjoyable check mark.  I also got my free meal from Paradise -so bonus there!
Also: must stick to the original milestone birthday edict.  Must moisturize, sunscreen-itize, brush and do not forget, floss!  So I ran outta here like a crazy and had yesterday's clothes on.  So I did not sunscreen before I left.  But I came home and showered and then Did sunscreen.  However, I totally did forget to moisturize legs and feet.  Oh, well.

Not bad for the first day of intentions. Not bad at all.

I am having a rough day, though.  I came home and got very angry because the girls had made a big mess - and chewed up some medicine bottles.  They did not seem to get into them, so they are safe.  But they also chewed on the new Mio thing I bought.  And got it all over the carpet.  So it looks like I severely cut myself and bled all over the living room.  And the Mio was fairly expensive and I didn't like it very much, so I probably won't buy a new one.  What a waste.
And I knew they were acting out.  And I was angry at Mc because I've been concerned for some time that he isn't spending enough time with them.  And isn't that why he's here?  That's probably not fair, but honestly.  That's how I am feeling.  He came in for a split second and I asked him if he was spending any time with the girls.  And he replied, "I probably spend more time with them than you do."  And it was a jab back.  And I said yeah.  And he left.  But then I was even angrier.  Because I spend almost no time with the girls.  But that's not my choice.  I can't seem to find another way.  I am very busy -- all of the time.  What am I supposed to do?  I have to work - I have to take care of dad.  And I just kept getting more and more angry.  And figured that basically he was saying that he spent no time with them as I spend no time with them. 
I sat up and watched more than an hour of Ruby.  I was kind of waiting for him.  But I knew he wouldn't come.  He didn't and I gave up.  My anger has faded - but probably mostly because I had a shit-ton of jelly beans.  That is the other thing.  I had a shit-ton of jelly beans.  I must stop.
I am getting very tired (prob sugar crash).  And I still have my nightly routine (part of the grand edict) to do.  So I'm gonna go.  But I'll be right back here in the morning.  With intention.

Friday, July 08, 2011

First Day

Already, it's kind of wonky.  I *had* intented to go to the grocery early so that I could start my diet today. 
Dishwasher installer/repairman is here early (yay) but cannot leave now.  So, moving on.
I am
What are my intentions for the day?
Today is a Friday.
I will go see movie with Mon and Alb.
I cannot predict how the morning will go, but I will go to the grocery and buy some coffee and make dad breakfast.  (This one is Really iffy.)
I am not going to worry about exercising today.  My knee is still crazy painful.  ??  Yeah, I don't know, either.
I will buy a shredder.
I will print off homework material.
I will do at least 15 minutes of real cleaning at dad's.  (In addition to the normal stuff.)
I will do at least 15 minutes of real cleaning in my room.
I will test out the new dishwasher (yay!).

Ok.  That's what I'm going to start with.  Let's see how I do.
Wish me luck, please.

New Edict

Ok.  So I spent a lot of the day yesterday just feeling like a horrible person.  Just rotten to the core.  It was inexplicable, but I am actually hoping to explain it by hormones.  I hope this terrible crazy is not crazy for real and is, in fact, me still menstrual (yes, at my age and size) and getting ready for the most glorious of stupid monthly rites. (I mean, really, who planned this out?)
And as G suggested (although I did Not need the prompting), I totally partook of comfort food and stupid television.  (In actuality, he suggested MarioCart, but wasted time is wasted time, right?)
I was feeling even More terrible about myself, as I do when - well, as I do often.  And yes, I have been watching that show Ruby.  And feeling fairly terrible about myself (like I need to watch a fucking show that makes me feel bad about myself -- Hello, House Hunters!)  But one of the things that her shrink-type doc told her was, (something like) "Your actions don't match your words."  That happens to me all the time.  You will get on a diet.  You will eat a healthy meal.  With healthy portions.  You will Not eat late night.  You will exercise.  And then clearly - None of those things transpires (or the opposite transpires, or whatever). 
In an effort to be more accountable, I am going to get up early and record my intentions for the day.  A to-do list, if you will.  But with intention behind it.  Not some meaningless I-Should-Do-These-Things list.  (Which, for me, is an item that I often create hoping, hoping to check off at least one other item besides "Create to-do list".)  And then, at the end of the day, before my nightly routine, own up to what I've accomplished and how I might have gone off the rails.
Do this Every Day.
Every Day.  Morning and night.
I need to be accountable to myself.  I need to match my actions to my words.  I need to try.
I'm feeling so desperate.  Desperate for so many things-not the least of which is to *not* go crazy.  Maybe if I continue to try to move forward (push, push, push), I won't fall off of the world and into oblivion.

Ok.  Also.  I had every intention of deleting the last whiny post.  But I left it.  Sorry.  Anyway. I left it.  It shows progress.  (and some terrible-ness)

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Checking in and Continuing

So, just to check in. I *have* been trying to follow my milestone b-day edict and been doing a pretty good job of it too. Except for when I haven't. oh, well.
I feel just like whining. Whine, whine, whine. Without the wine.
Ready? Here I go.
Why does everything have to be so hard? I mean, really, why?
My addiction (to food) is out of control. My health is now - well, I'm still mostly ok, but I'm huge and I can totally feel it. My back hurts -- all of the time. I'm tired -- all of the time. Last night I was sick, which hasn't happened in a while. I made myself sick. I did. I was so miserable (and sick) that I excused myself and went to the restroom at the restaurant and then rushed home because then I really was sick. And did it here before collapsing in bed. Somehow, I've got to get myself under control. G asked if I had gone to the bathroom to throw up. I lied and said, "Not yet."
There are just so many things to stay on top of. I can't obsess about everything. I don't have that kind of mental capacity. I just don't. And so then things slide.

Oh, gawd. I'm tired of the whining already.

Ok then. We're done with that for the moment.

Let's look for positive things that we can do to help the situation.

1) Go buy healthy foods and lots of fresh fruits and veggies to help our insides feel good.
With that in mind --
2) STOP eating so much of our meals at restaurants. Too expensive! Too many Calories! Too much grossness! It's true. Just stop.
3) Keep up the MileStone B-day edict. It will help in the long run.
4) Try to work on your bedroom at least 15 minutes (of REAL work) a day. Just try one little section at a time. You will feel better. Do it! Do it! Do it!

You can do it!