New Edict

Ok.  So I spent a lot of the day yesterday just feeling like a horrible person.  Just rotten to the core.  It was inexplicable, but I am actually hoping to explain it by hormones.  I hope this terrible crazy is not crazy for real and is, in fact, me still menstrual (yes, at my age and size) and getting ready for the most glorious of stupid monthly rites. (I mean, really, who planned this out?)
And as G suggested (although I did Not need the prompting), I totally partook of comfort food and stupid television.  (In actuality, he suggested MarioCart, but wasted time is wasted time, right?)
So. 
I was feeling even More terrible about myself, as I do when - well, as I do often.  And yes, I have been watching that show Ruby.  And feeling fairly terrible about myself (like I need to watch a fucking show that makes me feel bad about myself -- Hello, House Hunters!)  But one of the things that her shrink-type doc told her was, (something like) "Your actions don't match your words."  That happens to me all the time.  You will get on a diet.  You will eat a healthy meal.  With healthy portions.  You will Not eat late night.  You will exercise.  And then clearly - None of those things transpires (or the opposite transpires, or whatever). 
So.
In an effort to be more accountable, I am going to get up early and record my intentions for the day.  A to-do list, if you will.  But with intention behind it.  Not some meaningless I-Should-Do-These-Things list.  (Which, for me, is an item that I often create hoping, hoping to check off at least one other item besides "Create to-do list".)  And then, at the end of the day, before my nightly routine, own up to what I've accomplished and how I might have gone off the rails.
Do this Every Day.
Every Day.  Morning and night.
I need to be accountable to myself.  I need to match my actions to my words.  I need to try.
I'm feeling so desperate.  Desperate for so many things-not the least of which is to *not* go crazy.  Maybe if I continue to try to move forward (push, push, push), I won't fall off of the world and into oblivion.

Ok.  Also.  I had every intention of deleting the last whiny post.  But I left it.  Sorry.  Anyway. I left it.  It shows progress.  (and some terrible-ness)