Thursday, September 29, 2005


The sleeping kind.

I recently had a dream in which, now bear with me because I know that dreams are never interesting to people that did not experience them, unless of course you are receiving a hundred plus dollars an hour to be interested in them, I was doing ordinary things at home. Friends were over. And the object of my (secret) affection, so secret, in fact that most of the time I keep it hidden from myself, came up behind me and simply – not quite held me, but was just there. Like sitting at the kitchen table looking on the Internet for a movie and he put his hand upon mine to help guide the mouse. And I knew what it meant. And so did others – who became curious and obvious. At which point, I mouthed “SHUT UP.” And I was very happy. Very, very happy. The ordinary-ness of the day continued but with extra nice bits—like trying to sneak a moment when we were alone together. Feeling his presence behind me and knowing for certain it meant he cared too. I could feel the blossoming of my heart – with hope, with love, with possibilities.

I awoke from said dream with a lovely feeling. And then, I knew what it meant: that very day, I was supposed to go meet someone, a date someone. I would not be interested in this someone as I had been hoping against hope for my “friend” to return my feelings. That I was again mired in this hope. I was depressed. I had waited so long for him. I had to go have this “date” and attempt to like someone I probably wouldn’t, or couldn’t, like. I went and took a shower, just so I could be alone to cry. And cry I did. I had never shed a tear over my friend. He had never given me cause to. He is very gentle and kind (and obtuse) and sweet and polite and intuitive, but never malicious or mean.

I began to brood. I had waited so long. Sometimes I would feel that I had little signals that maybe he liked me too. But it was always too much to hope for, but maybe it was ok to hope. I had waited so long that I had told myself to stop waiting: it wasn’t going to happen. I then began to think that maybe he was waiting for me too. And it became clear: he was waiting for me! I had to get my S@%* (stuff) together, and quickly, because he’d been waiting a long time, too.

I felt good. I worked out (twice). I dreaded going out with my “date” and hoped something would happen to make it unnecessary to go – and put off doing homework. I made a plan of how I was going to stick to my meal plan and work out.

Even felt good – and excited on Monday at work. Talked to co-workers about feelings and dream. Half way through Monday, knew it was completely stupid.

Been trying to get the feeling back – hold on to it. Maybe it wasn’t stupid.. but the certainty of it is gone. Been trying to hold on to hope.

The Second Sleeping example.

Author’s Note: How very disappointing. Trying to dig to feel and to write this piece, I’ve lost the specifics of the lovely dream I had last night. Oh, well. I know that I dreamed of him again. It was sweet. Not as clear (even when I could remember). But still very sweet and very nice.

Does your subconscious really tell you what you need? Does it provide insight to solve your problems? Does it just show you what you wish for? I don’t think it predicts the future.

The Visions we have for ourselves.

The future and what it holds: why do I want to be slender and healthy and driving a convertible Porsche and living in a fairly big house with marble floors that are spotless and manicured lawns? Who do I see there with me?

See, I think what I’ve been dreaming is crap. I think it’s all about me and what I’ve been fixating on. I think it’s about my need to fixate. When I call him… it doesn’t feel at all like it does in my head.
True. I haven’t been making all these scenarios and possible clues up – but perhaps I am reading too much into, well, nothing. A friendly remark. A kindly smile.

So what do I want for myself? What vision do I hold for my future? And How Do I Get There?

I want to be strong.
I want to be slender and healthy.
I want love. As a subheading to love, I want a partnership. I want to find my other half.
I want to pay my bills and have leftovers.
I want to travel.
I want to stay put and not have to drive anywhere.
I want to be able to run away.
I want to be able to stand and fight.
I want to kick ass.
I want to drive fast and hard and wind up somewhere beautiful.
I want to walk out my front door, take a leisurely walk and find myself at the ocean.
I want to live in the desert.
I want to surround myself in sunlight.
I want to live where my nearest neighbor is a mile away.
I want to live in a high-rise in a big city.
I want love.
I want acceptance.
I want to be important.
To someone special
To the world
I want love. – I want to be wanted – I want to be desired. – I want to desire. – I want love.

I know that I am full of crap. I cannot keep a moment - a thought, an idea - and continue on with it. I cannot make it tangible. I am not one of those "successful" types - the ones who work and work and reach goals. I can't even keep my mind from changing like the ticking of a clock. Each tick leads to a different tock that keeps me going around the face of the clock: in circles - never changing, always just going around and around.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Work. Catch Up

Vegas, Baby!

So recently I went with a friend to see another friend and her friends in Vegas, Baby!
I drank so much I could hardly – drink anything more. And all the pumped in oxygen. Lovely, but not. Kept fooling me that I was rested – and fine, but really had no sleep, no food and way too much alcohol.
I gained 7 pounds.

Way UP.

Yeah, so I’m way up in my weight. Very disturbing. Working towards something and just backtracking enough to make it look like all my previous work has been in vain.
Who’m I kidding? I’ve been stalled for months now. Working on that.


That I’m in love with someone. No longer in like. No longer just a crush. Perplexed as to what to do – but then thought, “He’s been waiting for you. But he’s not going to wait forever, so get your act together.” So decided to exercise harder. Drink my water. Not cheat on myself/meal plan and just go for it, flat-out.


What a stupid idea. Just plain dumb.


I haven’t been speaking with G for some time. Been 2 months. Very weird. Think our best-friend-ed-ness is over. At some point, I’m sure we will be friends again. But obviously not best friends. This wouldn’t happen to best friends. I will not call.

Work and School.
Need to work harder. Don’t seem to care about work at all anymore. Don’t really know why. Not sure that I care, either. But I know there’ll be hell to pay. That’s why I should care. I need to catch up. Stay ahead. Work harder. In every aspect of my life – work harder.